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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask BIL to join in with the Father Christmas pretence?

132 replies

LastnightIdreamed · 02/10/2016 21:10

This is a slightly tricky one. BIL and SIL have chosen to tell their children from the off that there is no such thing as Father Christmas. They want to come and stay with us this Christmas. All fine so far.

DD is 3. She absolutely loved Christmas last year and had a stocking which we opened before we met up with the rest of the family so as to avoid any tricky conversations. This year, at our house, I would like to give her a stocking again but I fear that she is now old enough to notice why her cousins aren't getting one and start questioning the situation (intensively, as she does). BiL obviously has the right to make whatever decisions he wants to re: parenting his own children. It's not for me to undermine that. Would I be unreasonable if I were to suggest that I made up small stockings for his kids and asked them to play along with DD hanging up a stocking on Christmas Eve? They are 10 and 7 - is it completely unreasonable of me to try to get them to join in something they don't believe in for DD's benefit? Are they still just too young to do it for the sake of a little cousin? I just feel a bit sad otherwise that DD has to miss out on some of the most common Christmas traditions because of a decision that someone else has made, when that person is insisting that they come to our house for Christmas. Please let me know what you would all do - thanks!

OP posts:
SmallBee · 03/10/2016 04:39

Can you ask your BIL what he suggests? He'll know his kids best so will know if they're likely to want to play along. Then you can decide from his reaction how you want to play it.
Personally I'd be tempted to hang her stocking on her door just as she goes to bed so she wouldn't see whether her cousins had one or not anyway. Then have her open it in my room away from everyone else ( and enjoy some lovely time with just her before the Christmas chaos starts)
But I'd also make it clear that if anyone fucks this up for her then you'll go back to meeting them for the afternoon celebrations and they can stay elsewhere.

PoldarksBreeches · 03/10/2016 06:44

I really hate this (but it happens every year, sigh) view that people who don't do Father Christmas are joyless miseries who want their children to be unhappy at Christmas. It's just part of the Christmas experience and tradition that is by no means necessary to a wonderful, magical time.
Personally I do stockings but do not go all out to make sure ds believes/ed. none of the elf nonsense or reindeer footprints or whatever other stuff goes with it - because actually I'm not fussed about ds believing a massive lie. It seems like a weird thing to do when you think about it.

Huldra · 03/10/2016 07:29

Have a general conversation about how you all think pressies could be done. There are enough differences between families who do santa but people still manage to comprise and stay with each other.

We do stockings from Santa in the morning, Santa brings silly small stuff. We give the main pressies from us after Christmas lunch. Then pressies are given from relatives on the day they visit. Santa is a relatively small part of the day.

For some of my husbands family everything is about Santa, all presents are given in the morning from Santa, presents from relatives given at other times come with a story about Santa leaving it with them. We still manage to spend large parts of Christmas day with them and maintain our own ways. I don't give my nephews gifts from us, I hand it over and say this one is for xxx. Equally those in laws didn't hand over gifts with a song and dance about Santa leaving gifts with them.

If you both happen to do all presents in the morning you may find it relatively easy to deal with and fudge over, especially if their children will play along.

RhiWrites · 03/10/2016 07:56

Oh bloody hell. If Christmas 'magic' is taking precdence over real relationships it can fuck right off.

OP you can't expect his children to have stockings any more than he could expect your daughter to forego hers. But she could have hers in her room and he could earn his kids not to dispell her illusions. Unless he's a cock he'll be happy to help.

But please don't force his kids to join in. And certainly don't uninvite then to preserve the magic. That's bonkers.

MumOnTheRunCatchingUp · 03/10/2016 08:03

Christmas is about family

Not about how your child receives their annual overload of over priced plastic tat!

ThatStewie · 03/10/2016 08:04

What do you mean by 'invites themselves for Christmas'? It's quite easy to negotiate Santa myths/ Christmas traditions with non believers as long as everyone involved is reasonable. If your BIL has form being a jackass ass, then it's a completely different situation & inviting himself for Christmas strays more into jackass territory than reasonable.

myownprivateidaho · 03/10/2016 08:07

I think it would be selfish to have the other kids play along to that extent. Like it would feel like their own Christmas experience was less important than their cousin's. They're only young themselves, they should just be able to enjoy it without that kind of pressure. I think you just have to crack on and deal with your DC's questions yourself - I would have thought that you could come up with a lie that would convince a three year old in the next three months.

GeorgeTheThird · 03/10/2016 08:17

She's only three so her sense of time will be weak. Do the stocking on Christmas Eve before they arrive?

Anniegetyourgun · 03/10/2016 08:20

I was never told FC was real and I never told my DC FC was real (though one of them chose to believe it). In fact I had to reassure DS1 that he wasn't, as he was frightened at the idea of a stranger breaking in! We always did stockings and despite my dad's best efforts Christmas managed to be ever so magical. My mother used, among other decorative delights, to make an impressive fairy castle out of kitchen roll holders, tin foil and "angel hair". We never believed real fairies really lived in it, or that the fairy on top of the tree did stuff at night when we weren't watching, but we could imagine whatever we wanted. We've grown up to be imaginative people with a taste for fantasy, sci-fi and making up our own stories as well as enjoying other people's.

I'm always a bit uncomfortable telling children something is literally true when it just isn't. One day they will find out you lied and the bit of magic that's gone from their lives IMO isn't the loss of belief in Santa, but the loss of absolute trust in their parents. (Although one could argue that that too is an important life lesson.)

Besides, Saint Nicholas is/was real. He just doesn't dress in red and physically come down the chimney.

CancellyMcChequeface · 03/10/2016 08:21

I wouldn't expect BIL or his children to tell your DD 'Santa is real' or anything like that, since it isn't a tradition they participate in, but it would be equally wrong of them to go to your house for Christmas and say anything about him not being real, since you've chosen to do things differently.

I'm sure you can find a way to explain to your 3-year-old why the older children don't have Christmas stockings, if she asks. She'll probably be too excited about her own presents! Also, if your in-laws celebrate Christmas, just without the Santa aspect, then their children will have presents from them and from other relatives to open.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 03/10/2016 08:28

Oh bloody hell. If Christmas 'magic' is taking precdence over real relationships it can fuck right off.

Tend to agree

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 03/10/2016 08:29

Oh and I am a Christmas person'

callmeadoctor · 03/10/2016 08:34

Wouldn't have them at Xmas.

callmeadoctor · 03/10/2016 08:37

I think that those who don't enjoy Father Christmas are "Joyless Miseries!" Grin

ohtheholidays · 03/10/2016 08:37

YANBU if he refuses then he is!

I know everyone's different(before loads pile on me and have ago at me)but I do think it's sad when people make the decision to tell they're children especially at only 7 years old.
Your BIL and SIL are going to need to be careful that they're DC don't say anything to the other children they go to school with other wise they could end up with a large queue of parents waiting to have ago at them!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 03/10/2016 08:40

when people make the decision to tell they're children especially at only 7 years old.

You'd be suprised as to how many 7 year olds have actually worked it out for themselves. whether they tell you or not

HeCantBeSerious · 03/10/2016 08:40

I'm always a bit uncomfortable telling children something is literally true when it just isn't. One day they will find out you lied and the bit of magic that's gone from their lives IMO isn't the loss of belief in Santa, but the loss of absolute trust in their parents.

This. Absolutely. I absolutely hated having to pretend it was all real for my sibling and cousins after finding out (fairly harshly) aged 6. My husband felt the same.

Lweji · 03/10/2016 08:42

Are you getting a stocking? Why not?

Just tell her that Father Christmas only leaves presents to those who believe/young children.

That will also help if the cousins say there's no FC. You can't control that, so you might as well prepare to handle it.

HeCantBeSerious · 03/10/2016 08:43

I know everyone's different(before loads pile on me and have ago at me)but I do think it's sad when people make the decision to tell they're children especially at only 7 years old.
Your BIL and SIL are going to need to be careful that they're DC don't say anything to the other children they go to school with other wise they could end up with a large queue of parents waiting to have ago at them!

Erm. Do you know how ridiculous that sounds?

PurpleDaisies · 03/10/2016 08:48

Your BIL and SIL are going to need to be careful that their DC don't say anything to the other children they go to school with other wise they could end up with a large queue of parents waiting to have ago at them!

Do you really think that parents of seven year olds will be pissed off that their children have been told something which is true? At some point kids will find out that Father Christmas is a story. I just cannot understand the contortions sons parents go through to keep up something that they freely acknowledge is made up.

HellsBellsnBucketsofBlood · 03/10/2016 08:51

We don't do Santa. At all. Christmas is perfectly special, wonderful and joyful family event without an imaginary fat man sneaking into houses.

BUT if we were coming to your house, we would not dispel the myth. We would not, however, actively reinforce it - I.e. engage in excited discussions about Santa coming, or ask what 'he' brought. Although if your child leaves a mince pie out for 'Santa' in the evening and you don't want to eat it, I will be happy to perform that onerous service for you Grin

StillCounting123 · 03/10/2016 08:57

This thread is hilarious, although ridiculous.

Santa is not real. Absolutely zero reason to get wound up and sour relationships with real friends & family over the head of Santa.

Christmas is about the time off work, the food, presents & spending time together. For some people it's to celebrate the birth of Jesus.

I didn't tell my children about Santa as I didn't want some fat old burglar to get the credit for all the hard earned money I'd spent!! Managed to have lovely Christmas times regardless.

My own mother (big on Santa myth) accused me in all seriousness of 'child abuse'. For those calling people who don't do Santa 'joyless miseries' I'd like them to look in the mirror and ask themselves why as grown adults they go loopy every year about Santa? Why!?

CancellyMcChequeface · 03/10/2016 09:04

This. Absolutely. I absolutely hated having to pretend it was all real for my sibling and cousins after finding out (fairly harshly) aged 6. My husband felt the same.

I didn't hate it, but I discovered the truth at 6 and was utterly bewildered by the idea that all the adults I knew, TV shows, etc. were colluding in lying about something I knew wasn't true. I was actually too afraid to tell my parents I knew it wasn't real because I thought they'd be angry (and that I wouldn't get any more presents, tbh). I still enjoyed Christmas, before I'm accused of being miserable, but thinking too much about that aspect of it made me uncomfortable.

I'm always baffled when people on here claim that their children of 10 or 11 still believe - I wonder how much awareness they have of the world. I remember watching the news as a child and wondering how the 'Santa story' was supposed to apply to children in extreme poverty or living in war-torn countries, who have far more immediate needs than a stocking full of toys! I wouldn't expect a 6-year-old to think in that way, but by 10? They should see that it doesn't add up.

Anniegetyourgun · 03/10/2016 09:06

I think that those who don't enjoy Father Christmas are "Joyless Miseries!"

I do enjoy Father Christmas. I loved it as a child and my own children loved it too. I just don't believe it's real. There's a difference. I read stories to them (and now to the DGC). We love stories, but we know they are stories. The same goes for films, books, oh, most entertainment probably relies on suspension of disbelief including certain sports. FC is like a really good story, or a play you all participate in, perhaps.

MoreCoffeeNow · 03/10/2016 09:08

Either the 7or the 10 year old will tell the 3 year old that Santa isn't real. It's what kids do.