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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask BIL to join in with the Father Christmas pretence?

132 replies

LastnightIdreamed · 02/10/2016 21:10

This is a slightly tricky one. BIL and SIL have chosen to tell their children from the off that there is no such thing as Father Christmas. They want to come and stay with us this Christmas. All fine so far.

DD is 3. She absolutely loved Christmas last year and had a stocking which we opened before we met up with the rest of the family so as to avoid any tricky conversations. This year, at our house, I would like to give her a stocking again but I fear that she is now old enough to notice why her cousins aren't getting one and start questioning the situation (intensively, as she does). BiL obviously has the right to make whatever decisions he wants to re: parenting his own children. It's not for me to undermine that. Would I be unreasonable if I were to suggest that I made up small stockings for his kids and asked them to play along with DD hanging up a stocking on Christmas Eve? They are 10 and 7 - is it completely unreasonable of me to try to get them to join in something they don't believe in for DD's benefit? Are they still just too young to do it for the sake of a little cousin? I just feel a bit sad otherwise that DD has to miss out on some of the most common Christmas traditions because of a decision that someone else has made, when that person is insisting that they come to our house for Christmas. Please let me know what you would all do - thanks!

OP posts:
Humidseptember · 03/10/2016 11:57

That's a bit of a cunty thing to say Real

I disagree it shows a lack of all sorts of things really.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 03/10/2016 12:01

Its the darkest time of year, I am grateful us clever humans have done something to help lift us - at this dark time of year.

Well apart from the fact it isn't dark everywhere in the world at this time of year Wink

QueenLizIII · 03/10/2016 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

QueenLizIII · 03/10/2016 12:09

Shit ignore me piglet........i read that wrong.....didnt sleep last night.

So tired. Missed a few words you said. I'll get that deleted.

Sorry

HeCantBeSerious · 03/10/2016 12:28

The Christmas nativity story is sweet and meaning full at this time of excess, it has a good message. I love fc too and think its a testament to the lovelier things we humans can create to make this world lovely.

Wonder how lovely the children in Aleppo or The Jungle think it is.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 03/10/2016 12:30

Don't worry Queen Smile

CountessOfStrathearn · 03/10/2016 12:41

My children know that FC isn't real, but we still play along with the game of it. My children get stockings (it gives them something to open before church), we leave out a mince pie and some whisky (DH likes it!). It is still a lovely day!

They also know that some children believe in the tooth fairy/FC and that it would be an unkind thing to upset them, so we'd be fine with coming to your house to play along and my eldest (6) would have lots of fun playing along with your 3 yo.

Humidseptember · 03/10/2016 13:24

Well apart from the fact it isn't dark everywhere in the world at this time of year

of course but in the UK where I live its dark and I love that we celebrate at this time of the year.

Wonder how lovely the children in Aleppo or The Jungle think it is

Ah yes, should we all join in the suffering with them, deny our own children because at some point there are children suffering elsewhere?

I prefer to rejoice in the fact that some people in the world want to lift us all up and create something beautiful, rather than bomb people and create chaos that smashes us all down.

Mummyto2bubs · 03/10/2016 13:34

I think it's really sad that they decided to tell their kids he isn't real. But each to their own.
I would, however, absolutely expect them all to play along in front of my child, or I just wouldn't spend Christmas with them.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 03/10/2016 13:34

Have only read 3/5 pages of this thread, but am utterly shocked and depressed by the number of people who want to disinvite family for Christmas because they have different beliefs.

Seriously? For me, Christmas is a time for reuniting with family, for love, giving and receiving gifts, enjoying time together.

If any member of my family seriously prioritised a fairy story above that, I'd think they'd lost their marbles.

Half the people on this thread sound like they're in a cult. MUST NOT MIX WITH UNBELIEVERS. Ffs.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 03/10/2016 13:43

And OP the issue of whether you want to spend Christmas with BIL is separate from the Father Christmas issue.

If you don't want BIL coming, don't invite him. Ensure he knows that.

If you do, then find a work-around for the differing beliefs. We have this in our family and we simply don't discuss it in front of the DC. They get stocking/ presents separately and they're so busy running around and playing, they really don't start sleuthing.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 03/10/2016 13:44

If you don't want BIL coming, don't invite him. Ensure he knows that.

Surely the decision isn't only the OPs, unless you are saying her DH/DP should have no say at all.

Witchend · 03/10/2016 13:52

I think a 10yo is quite capable of playing along. I don't think a 7yo necessarily is. 7yos can be bursting with the "I know a secret you don't know" and desperate to tell-probably worse if you make it a big thing not to tell.

Just hang the stocking in your room and open it there. Don't make a huge fuss about them not having one (although most people I know who don't do FC still do stockings)

But sympathies about BIL inviting himself. We had that. What's more he'd invited several other people before he told us. That was told us, not asked. In front of lots of people too. Mind you same bil was desperate to tell my dc when they were small about FC. Eventually I told the dc that he didn't think he was real as he'd been so naughty as a child FC hadn't brought him anything. And yes, he was many times 7yo.

SoupDragon · 03/10/2016 13:53

Wonder how lovely the children in Aleppo or The Jungle think it is.

goodlord you sound hard work. I'm going to guess you don't celebrate birthdays or see joy and happiness in anything because of poor children everywhere.

Velvetdarkness · 03/10/2016 14:15

Johnny I think you hit the nail on the head. These days the whole FC thing IS a cult and heaven forbid (sic) that you don't believe wholeheartedly.

DinosaursRoar · 03/10/2016 14:18

It also matters why BIL hasn't done Father Christmas for his DCs, if it's because he believes it wrong, you might struggle to get him to agree to play along - or he'll say he will but in reality he'll not actually do that.

Mind you, the sort of person who invites themselves to someone else's house for Chistmas isn't the the sort of person who seems to care about social norms and probably is an arse. Trying to appeal to an arse's better nature is usually a pointless exercise.

Get it sorted now, I'd probably go with "We'd like to do the whole Father Christmas thing so Chrsitmas day wouldn't work for us, but would you like to come to ours on Boxing day and 27th?"

HeCantBeSerious · 03/10/2016 14:52

goodlord you sound hard work. I'm going to guess you don't celebrate birthdays or see joy and happiness in anything because of poor children everywhere.

Not at all. We go all out for birthdays - relatively speaking (as they have personal significance) - and have a winter gathering (or several) specifically not in aid of anyone's birthday.

I just find the whole obsession with FC and Xmas excess generally in poor taste when there are humans suffering so badly. There easily forgotten in all the consumerism and "magic". I want my kids to be kind and thoughtful, not spoiled and grabby.

(I'm also not a fan of the elderly being ignored for most of the year and then suddenly remembered at Xmas.)

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 03/10/2016 15:05

piglet Obviously not. I presume the OP is posting on behalf of her household, as it were, as she hasn't said different.

It also depends what is meant by 'inviting himself'. In my house we roughly alternate spending Xmas with my/ DH family. I'd never presume I wasn't welcome at my DM's in 'our' year.

If BIL rang up and said 'I announce that I am coming to your house on 24th Dec for 5 days and I insist that you host me and nothing you say will stop me SO THERE' then HIBU.

If, as is more likely, the BIL was chatting to OP's DH and said 'Shall we come to yours this year?', then I don't see why you wouldn't have him, unless there is a lot of previous.

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 03/10/2016 15:07

Also think it is hilarious that those of us who don't do FC are 'holier than thou' and 'joyless miseries'...........

As opposed to the people shrilly who are insisting that nobody with different beliefs comes anywhere NEAR their precious snowflakes and who are willing to cut ties with family at bloody Christmas of all times.

Grin only on MN!

JohnnyMcGrathSaysFuckOff · 03/10/2016 15:08

*who are shrilly insisting, obvs

MitzyLeFrouf · 03/10/2016 15:10

'only on MN' and 'precious snowflake'. Refreshing.

Realhousewivesofshit · 03/10/2016 15:12

Oh didn't mean to be cunty I think my 17 year old dd actually wants to go to Australia for her gap year to find the pool to make her a mermaid. Bless her.

Most kids of 7 are playing along with parents and why not. It's fun.

I think you need to be careful in lots of insisting he's real though as other kids will spill the beans and your kids then think you are a big fat liar.

coconutpie · 03/10/2016 15:15

Why would you invite them to stay in the first place? It's just crazy to invite people to stay who could potentially ruin your DD's Christmas. Tell them that they cannot stay.

MitzyLeFrouf · 03/10/2016 15:18

I don't think they were invited! Grin

a7mints · 03/10/2016 15:19

think you need to be careful in lots of insisting he's real though as other kids will spill the beans and your kids then think you are a big fat liar

Yep! once they begin to have doubts, then it time to fess up! Otherwise you are crossing the line from make-believe to lying