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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask BIL to join in with the Father Christmas pretence?

132 replies

LastnightIdreamed · 02/10/2016 21:10

This is a slightly tricky one. BIL and SIL have chosen to tell their children from the off that there is no such thing as Father Christmas. They want to come and stay with us this Christmas. All fine so far.

DD is 3. She absolutely loved Christmas last year and had a stocking which we opened before we met up with the rest of the family so as to avoid any tricky conversations. This year, at our house, I would like to give her a stocking again but I fear that she is now old enough to notice why her cousins aren't getting one and start questioning the situation (intensively, as she does). BiL obviously has the right to make whatever decisions he wants to re: parenting his own children. It's not for me to undermine that. Would I be unreasonable if I were to suggest that I made up small stockings for his kids and asked them to play along with DD hanging up a stocking on Christmas Eve? They are 10 and 7 - is it completely unreasonable of me to try to get them to join in something they don't believe in for DD's benefit? Are they still just too young to do it for the sake of a little cousin? I just feel a bit sad otherwise that DD has to miss out on some of the most common Christmas traditions because of a decision that someone else has made, when that person is insisting that they come to our house for Christmas. Please let me know what you would all do - thanks!

OP posts:
vdbfamily · 03/10/2016 09:12

I think his kids would be delighted to get a stocking and play along. My kids were told the truth as soon as they first showed any doubt as my DH would not lie to them. However each of them was happy to play along for a year or so until the next one found out. Despite all of them knowing the truth for years, stockings are still their favourite bit of Christmas and the magic is really no less. Just tell BIL that you will do stockings for his kids and tell the kids that their cousin still believes in Santa. My guess is that they will enjoy going along with it all and can help her sprinkle the porridge and put the carrots out or whatever you do.

Branleuse · 03/10/2016 09:14

its cute that you like the whole father christmas thing, but I thought the magic of christmas was about family, and if youre excluding family for the sake of a fairy story then I think youre the one who doesnt understand christmas, not him.

HeCantBeSerious · 03/10/2016 09:15

sprinkle the porridge

What?!

a7mints · 03/10/2016 09:16

Even if they don't believe in FC they may get stockings.Mine stopped believing many many years agobut we still do the xmas stockings every year.
Even if the kids do tell her santa is not real (and bear in mind even if your BIL had done the santa thing they would probably not be believing still) she will believe you and not them.
One of my DC stopped believing in Y1 and told all his friends but wahat can you do?I was not going to tell him to lie!!

Notso · 03/10/2016 09:32

Just say that BIL's children don't get a stocking because they don't believe in Father Christmas.

SpringerS · 03/10/2016 09:58

I don't think that the 7 and 10 year old would necessarily spoil the illusion. A number of my cousins are small children and the ones who have recently stopped believing in Santa have the most fun engaging with my DS about his belief. They ask him about Santa or tell stories about him and then turn to me and give the biggest stage wink and grin. They get all giddy to share the magic and be on the grown-up side.

That said, they all used to believe in Santa so enjoy being part of sharing the magical feeling that they remember feeling. Perhaps it's not the same if they don't have those memories to understand why it's so much fun?

Humidseptember · 03/10/2016 10:04

Op I don't feel your Christmases are compatible so I feel they should come later on. Yes there is a range of things you can say as to why her cousins are not doing it. ie - in their room, or for older dc he does it a different way etc she is three she wont remember but I dont feel you should have to do this...I dont feel your dd should have to go through this, I would have them over later on - in the day or boxing day, keep xmas special.

My older is 9 and growing out of it - it goes so quickly then poof gone forever help her keep this magic.

Humidseptember · 03/10/2016 10:10

mysistersimone Sun 02-Oct-16 21:28:01

Love it - am using that one!!

Of course he may be a joyless turd in which case don't have him over for Christmas sounds like it to me and insistinghe comes Confused how rude!!!

Humidseptember · 03/10/2016 10:26

I didn't tell my children about Santa as I didn't want some fat old burglar to get the credit for all the hard earned money I'd spent!! Managed to have lovely Christmas times regardless

I really struggle when I hear this. Every parent whether you do FC or not - is spending their hard earned money on their dc.

Whats the difference I wonder between the DP who have to let their DC know its them, and the ones that are happy to let FC take the credit Sad

MitzyLeFrouf · 03/10/2016 10:35

I absolutely hated having to pretend it was all real for my sibling and cousins after finding out (fairly harshly) aged 6. My husband felt the same.

We know! You've written this on about five Santa threads in the past few weeks. I only clicked on this one to check you were here and that you'd mentioned your and your husband's Santa trauma!

SpringerS · 03/10/2016 10:40

Tbh, I think that it's best if you have a long discussion about how Christmas eve and morning goes in each of your families anyway. Even if all the children believed in Santa there is a lot of room for confusion/envy/etc. Some families have visiting elves, christmas eve boxes, some receive gifts unboxed and ready to play with, some have everything in fancy wrapping. Some families get piles of gifts, some just get one thing each. Some families do stockings, some don't.

Christmas is a family time and it's great to spend it with extended family. But it's also a time for childhood traditions that shape our earliest memories that are full of magic (whether or not Santa is believed in). So it's important to be sure that your BIL's visit isn't going to taint the Christmas traditions of any of the kids. Because if it is, then one night in a nearby hotel is a small price to pay for each family to be able to do things in the ways that are important to them. You can then get together in the later morning and they can stay for the next few days of family bonding.

DinosaursRoar · 03/10/2016 10:43

The thing is about Christmas being about "Family" - it's really originally about a religious festival. If you don't care about the religious element, and if you don't care about the secular 'Father Christmas magic' element, then the food and family get-together doesn't have to be on 25th December. The date is only "magical" or significant if you are applying the religious or 'Christmas magic' thing to it. (we apply both!)

So it will be just as lovely to spend Boxing Day with BIL & SIL and cousins. As Christmas falls on a Sunday this year, 27th December is also a Bank Holiday so unless they are in the sort of jobs that are 7 days a week, chances are they could do 26th & 27th with you rather than 24 & 25th.

If it's just a "mid-winter family day" then it doesn't need to be on 25th December.

The way you want to celebrate Christmas Day (and probably Christmas Eve if you are going to do the whole preparing for Father Christmas the night before) isn't compatable. They will either have to fit in your way or you will have to give up your way, and as you can't really go back to it next year, you'd be giving that up for good.

Have a special family Boxing Day. (I'd resist on the grounds they have invited themselves anyway)

MitzyLeFrouf · 03/10/2016 10:46

I just feel a bit sad otherwise that DD has to miss out on some of the most common Christmas traditions because of a decision that someone else has made, when that person is insisting that they come to our house for Christmas.

Your BIL is insisting they come? Cheeky bugger. In that case he has to go along with your household's Christmas traditions.

HeCantBeSerious · 03/10/2016 11:24

it's really originally about a religious festival

Erm, no. It was originally a mid-winter festival that the Christians later appropriated stole for themselves.

We rarely (if ever) celebrate on 25th.

HeCantBeSerious · 03/10/2016 11:25

We know! You've written this on about five Santa threads in the past few weeks. I only clicked on this one to check you were here and that you'd mentioned your and your husband's Santa trauma!

Perhaps you need a different hobby, dear.

QueenLizIII · 03/10/2016 11:32

Its october and you're worried about this already?

MitzyLeFrouf · 03/10/2016 11:32

Deal.

I'll get a new hobby if you and your DH get some Santa therapy! Wink

HeCantBeSerious · 03/10/2016 11:33

Not sure we need any!

MitzyLeFrouf · 03/10/2016 11:35

I'm pretty sure it would help.

QueenLizIII · 03/10/2016 11:35

Erm, no. It was originally a mid-winter festival that the Christians later appropriated stole for themselves.

Quite Easter is also a Pagan festival which has nothing to do with Jesus and all people here care about are chocolate eggs too.

When I was little and my mum had shouted at me on Christmas day for something and I was annoyed, I was about 7, the little kids were talking about what santa brought them and I told them your mum and dad do it and pretend. They all laughed.....they didnt need CBT or trauma therapy.

Seriously get a grip. It must have happened where parents have children of varying ages, and the older one asks mum and dad for things for Christmas in front of the little ones, etc.

Realhousewivesofshit · 03/10/2016 11:39

fat old burglar Grin

I have to say that I find any child who really really belives in santa past the age of say 6 is a bit thick.

MitzyLeFrouf · 03/10/2016 11:40

That's a bit of a cunty thing to say Real.

Well done.

SoupDragon · 03/10/2016 11:41

Anyone who can't play along for the sake of a 3 year old who does believe in Father Christmas is definitely a joyless misery.

Whether you "do" Father Christmas or not is a personal choice and of course it's possible to have a magical Christmas without him but refusing to go along with it in the home of a small child who does believe...? Are there seriously people who would do that?

Linpinfinwin · 03/10/2016 11:52

My 7 year old might try to play along but, by trying to be discreet, he would drop massive clangers. And anyway, a child who's been brought up without father christmas, but has mixed with those who do, will have discussed this difference with their parents and will probably have a clear understanding on why their family don't "do" it - stockings are a waste of money or whatever. They will probably have internalised their parents' objections, and they are likely to share their opinion at some point over christmas. It's not the same as asking a child who has believed in the past.

I think the best idea is to move your DD's stocking to christmas eve as a PP suggested.

Or, discuss it with your brother and find out what line they took with school friends etc.

Humidseptember · 03/10/2016 11:56

I really dont care about the origins in terms of a pure - experience as it can be created by people in the victorian era, or the pagan era or back in the stone age time.

i am not bothered if the dinasours did something that some people want to create.

Its the darkest time of year, I am grateful us clever humans have done something to help lift us - at this dark time of year.

The Christmas nativity story is sweet and meaning full at this time of excess, it has a good message. I love fc too and think its a testament to the lovelier things we humans can create to make this world lovely.

I am not bothered by following any strict ideas I just want to have fun and enjoy this time of year made special because we do things to make it special.