Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask BIL to join in with the Father Christmas pretence?

132 replies

LastnightIdreamed · 02/10/2016 21:10

This is a slightly tricky one. BIL and SIL have chosen to tell their children from the off that there is no such thing as Father Christmas. They want to come and stay with us this Christmas. All fine so far.

DD is 3. She absolutely loved Christmas last year and had a stocking which we opened before we met up with the rest of the family so as to avoid any tricky conversations. This year, at our house, I would like to give her a stocking again but I fear that she is now old enough to notice why her cousins aren't getting one and start questioning the situation (intensively, as she does). BiL obviously has the right to make whatever decisions he wants to re: parenting his own children. It's not for me to undermine that. Would I be unreasonable if I were to suggest that I made up small stockings for his kids and asked them to play along with DD hanging up a stocking on Christmas Eve? They are 10 and 7 - is it completely unreasonable of me to try to get them to join in something they don't believe in for DD's benefit? Are they still just too young to do it for the sake of a little cousin? I just feel a bit sad otherwise that DD has to miss out on some of the most common Christmas traditions because of a decision that someone else has made, when that person is insisting that they come to our house for Christmas. Please let me know what you would all do - thanks!

OP posts:
bumsexatthebingo · 02/10/2016 23:17

I would just say that Santa must have gone to their house. Unless the 10 and 7 yr olds are particularly insensitive I'm sure they are aware that a lot of little children believe in Santa and it's unkind to spoil it for them.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 02/10/2016 23:26

I wouldn't have them to stay. People who tell little kids there is no Father Christmas are joyless miseries IMO. Why spoil the magic? They don't believe it for very long anyway.

Someone told my DD when she was only 5 that there was no FC. I retaliated by telling DD that X - who had a fiery nature and was not unknown to eff and blind in front of kids - had probably been so naughty when she was little that FC never came, so no wonder she didn't believe in him.
It worked like a dream. I recommend this tactic to anyone faced with a joyless misery who tries to spoil it for their little kids.

PurpleDaisies · 02/10/2016 23:30

I wouldn't have them to stay. People who tell little kids there is no Father Christmas are joyless miseries IMO. Why spoil the magic? They don't believe it for very long anyway.
I wouldn't tell someone else's child that Father Christmas is made up, but you can still have a wonderful christmas without him. People who choose to go down this route aren't automatically joyless miseries.

statetrooperstacey · 02/10/2016 23:53

The kids are easily old enough to get on board, especially if it means they get a stocking, even the adults get a stocking in our house, the kids know the adults ones are done by the other adults but its nice to all open them together. Unless the cousins live in a cave they will be well aware of the whole Santa set up. They will enjoy it I think.

WhereYouLeftIt · 02/10/2016 23:57

"that person is insisting that they come to our house for Christmas"
Insisting? Insisting? NOBODY - and I mean absolutely NOBODY - can insist that you host them for Christmas!

I think you need to tell BIL that sadly you won't be hosting their Christmas and as it's October he has plenty of time to make other plans.

Insist, my arse!

Realhousewivesofshit · 03/10/2016 00:01

Yes don't get the insisting either op.

My older ones played along to santa for the younger ones and loved it.

Depends if the kids will flat out tell your dd it's basically crap or they all
Play along.

Tell your bil now what you want them to do and if they don't play ball Christmas at your house is cancelled. Your house your rules.

IMissGrannyW · 03/10/2016 00:10

Inform your BIL that your child still believes an no one has the right to take it away form her.

Get stockings for ALL the children (make sure your BIL knows) and fix BEADY eye on his kids and make it plain that anyone who doesn't "believe" in Santa doesn't get a stocking, whereas everyone who does, WILL. No 7 or 10 year old would want to miss out on presents!

IMissGrannyW · 03/10/2016 00:10

p.s. Part of childhood is the realization that he isn't real.

Luckily the tooth fairy IS, or I'd be fucked!

Secretmetalfan · 03/10/2016 00:11

If he's going to be a miserable sod tell him not to come. He either does the whole santa thing with his family or stays away

HeCantBeSerious · 03/10/2016 00:11

Inform your BIL that your child still believes an no one has the right to take it away form her.

🙄

Realhousewivesofshit · 03/10/2016 00:25

Why the face? We didn't major on santa to be honest and my kids didn't really believe past age 4, dd never did but she's a tough cookie.Grin however they and we would definatly play along with s 3 year old. It's fun.

HeCantBeSerious · 03/10/2016 00:32

Just the phrasing. As if belief in Santa is covered by the HRA or something!

Realhousewivesofshit · 03/10/2016 00:39

Smile what's the HRA?

WiltingTulip · 03/10/2016 01:05

I'm another who thinks you're worrying over nothing. My dcs never believed. They went from being too young to actually get it, to working out that it's impossible.

They have never ruined it for anyone and at your dds age you can easily laugh off anyone who doesn't believe in him as being silly (or whatever).

Lifegavemelemons · 03/10/2016 01:10

HRA = human rights act

VioletBam · 03/10/2016 01:14

I wouldn't invite them. Just couldn't be doing with that po faced "there is no Father Christmas" shit.

Lifegavemelemons · 03/10/2016 01:14

My eldest realised Santa couldn't possibly exist when she was almost 5. She kept up the pretence that year for her siblings - then took great delight in revealing this grown up secret to them.

Knowing Santa is a lovely story rather than a real person doesn't take away any magic IMO.

Youremywifenow · 03/10/2016 01:22

Me and DH do stockings for each other as well as the children. My mum still does them for us as well and I'm 41. Opening them in bed is my favourite bit of christmas.
I'd do them for everyone who stays at Christmas. His kids will love them and are old enough to understand not to blab. He's a miserable shit if he won't play along.

LilQueenie · 03/10/2016 01:28

Insist he doesn't invite himself over. Is he pushy in general and what does your DP say about this. Personally no way would I risk my DD losing the magic of santa which she adores.

EverySongbirdSays · 03/10/2016 01:34

Assuming this is your DH's brother - surely it's HIS role to deal with his brother being pushy, demanding, insisting that he is coming, and not wanting his children to have Father Christmas despite that yours do. I bet his grandchildren will have father christmas.

If they want to be guests then they must have good guest etiquette.

When in Rome do as the Romans do.

Jenny70 · 03/10/2016 01:48

Ask BIL if his children will play along if they get a stocking with chocolate etc in it (I'd bet they will), or lie to DD and say theirs is at their house.

Or our line is that if you tell someone else that you don't believe in Santa, then he doesn't bring you presents (why would Santa, when they don't believe in him?)... this is why adults don't get stockings, as at some point they have told someone he's not real. Maybe niece and nephew have slipped up, so don't get them anymore. As someone said they will seem much bigger to your 3yr old, so she could easily believe this. Then have stockings away from them, in your bedroom perhaps, and if niece and nephew make any comments it will be consistent with what you've already told her (they said he's not real, they don't get stockings again).

Ericaequites · 03/10/2016 02:06

Father Christmas and Santa are pointless myths. I don't like the manipulation involved. Still, it's better to have Christmas just with immediate family so everyone can can follow their own beliefs.

OwlinaTree · 03/10/2016 02:26

Perhaps you could all watch miracle on 34th street on Xmas eve?

nooka · 03/10/2016 02:45

It's perfectly possible to have a great Christmas without having Father Christmas. I didn't grow up with him and haven't introduced him to my children either. They seem to enjoy Christmas regardless. We do have stockings though, because they are fun.

Having other families for Christmas (or visiting them) is always going to involve some compromise . I see no issue with letting your brother and sister in laws know that if they want to spend Christmas with you that there will be stockings for all children. At 7 and 10 (and with stocking bribery) I would have thought that your nephews/nieces were old enough to play along for their cousin. I'm sure my two would have been happy to do so for a younger child.

TrillKitten · 03/10/2016 02:55

10 and 7 yr olds are old enough to understand that your DD believes in Santa, they might even be really excited to play along and get in on the story! I think you need to ask / have a few more conversations with your BIL before jumping to any decisions. At the moment it seems there's lots of assumptions going on when this might be a really easy one to resolve!