Bloody hell I've been really unreasonable haven't I?

[Eminybob]

MIL just had a knee replacement so can't drive
Her DH (not DH's dad - second (reasonably recent) second marriage) is very very ill and has just been taken to hospital in another town around an hours drive away.
She has asked for a lift to see him, which obviously we are happy to do. I agreed last night that we would all go, including 2 year old DS.
Having thought about it, I felt that as DS wouldn't be allowed in the hospital it would mean that we would have to wait outside, so asked DH if he could take mil on his own.
He said he thinks we should all go as a family, for support (may have to make a life or death decision today regarding an operation). I said I didn't think this was fair on DS as it would mean 2 hours cooped up in car seat, plus time spent waiting.
We had a bit of an argument and he has gone on his own.
I now feel really guilty. I feel that I should have gone for support, but I stand by my arguement that it's not fair on DS. (Who is now napping)
To add some more context, we only have one car and I generally do all the driving. DH can and does drive when needed but hates it, which I feel is part of his reason for wanting me to go.
wibu?

[rookiemere]

Thing is when my DF was ill and in hospital, with his future uncertain, at times it would have been nice to have DH there.

But I had to weigh up each visit with either DS coming - he's 10 and a little more self sufficient but still bores easily, or having to find someone to look after him - we absolutely have wonderful friends that would support us, but no additional family, so I don't like to ask too often.

Therefore as an adult I had to balance my need for support with what was best for the family.

In this situation the DH is there to support his MIL, so whilst it may sound harsh, I believe the OP has made the right decision. The only thing she did wrong IMHO was leading the DH to believe she was going and then changing her mind.

[OnionKnight]

Wow, there's a lot of cold responses here.

When my wife next needs my support because someone in her family is ill, ill tell her that she can deal with it by herself because she's an adult.

Actually no I won't for obvious reasons.

[Youarenotprepared]

A hospital trip involving a potential life or death decision is not a trip for a toddler. I don't think you are bu. My DH had to do a similar trip solo when it was his mother in hospital and I stayed at home with the kids. I was upset I couldn't go and support him BUT we had to make the decision for the kids as well. No one wants to see that stuff. I can't even imagine the effect on a toddler. All the waiting and the potential grieving etc. Also in that situation it's likely to be much longer than visiting hours. You are NOT being unreasonable.

[Youarenotprepared]

If you want to call me heartless then feel free but I'm at peace with the fact that I believe my mil would not have wanted her granddaughters to be sat crying, fidgeting and being bored in a car outside whilst her husband, son and daughter made some rough choices. I also think it would have added extra stress to DH if he had to worry about the kids as well as himself. The 3 of them supported each other through that time then I supported him once he was home. He actually drove them all as he is the most level headed. If they had been unable to drive bil could have gone to get them (he was also home with kids)

[Beeziekn33ze]

Don't feel guilty or selfish, what's done is done. Cooking for MiL is a great idea, as is a positive text to DH.
Decisions about his SF's care won't be made by DH but by MiL and her children, one or two posters seemed confused there.
You sound like a good couple who normally get on well. Sure you've already decided how to make DH (and MiL) feel supported when they come back.
Good luck!

[Boysnme]

We have a similar family set up and in this situation I would not have expected my DH to be there for support. I absolutely would have been there for my parent but I would have expected my DH to be at home with my kids. So YANBU.

[rookiemere]

That's not what's being said here onion.

No one is saying that you shouldn't provide your OH with support, merely that when you have a family, then the whole family needs to be considered .

It sounds like OP didn't realise that her Dh wanted them all their for support, or perhaps didn't realise how much until she changed her mind. Perhaps the ideal solution would have been to find someone to look after DS so she could accompany her DH.

Also people cope with these situations differently. When I visited DF I would have hated having to answer DS's straightforward questions - Is Grandad going to die? How long will he be in hospital ? etc. etc. It was a lot easier for me to have the trip to recover my equilibrium then see DS. As it turned out DF recovered, so it was good that I spared DS too much unnecessary trauma. Other people like to have all their family around.

I just feel it's really unfair to judge the OP so harshly. It sounds like she made the best decision she could in the circumstances.

[mypropertea]

I remember seeing my grandmother have a stroke when I was about 2 1/2. It totally fucked me up for years. Yanbu

[lizzieoak]

Not sure what's right, but I would have gone and taken the little one to the hospital cafeteria till MIL was ready. I don't think the choice was sit in the car or stay home.

[expatinscotland]

'When my wife next needs my support because someone in her family is ill, ill tell her that she can deal with it by herself because she's an adult. '

The person wasn't going to even go to the hospital at all in the first place until his mother asked him for a lift.

And yes, as an adult you have to balance your need for support with what's best for the family, not just you.

[anotheronebitthedust]

but if you would have to stay with DS either way (either in car, or in reception area or wherever) you wouldn't have been with DH & MIL at SFIL's bedside anyway. So I don't see how it is that much different (to DH) that you were not-there at your house, or not-there in the car - either way he and MIL were alone at the key time, and you would then have supported them upon their return.

So it's actually, as you've said in your later posts, about transport rather than support, which is a different question really, more of AIBU to not drive my husband and MIL to the hospital, which again, as long as DH is mentally and physically capable I would still think YWBU.

[diddl]

YANBU imo.

MIL just wanted a lift, so if she's not needing support, why would Op's husband be?

[greenfolder]

You are being the sensible one. Dh can drive. Just not liking it is not a good enough reason to subject all of you to a 2 yr old in a hospital setting.
Now you have rationally thought it through maybe you could have left Ds elsewhere, but Dh didn't think of that either!

[Eminybob]

They are on their way back. Think I have redeemed myself by inviting mil for tea. Which is MASSIVE for me as I hate house guests. Even my own mother!
Best run the Hoover round.

[MammouthTask]

Well nowhere in the OP does it says the the MIL DH will have his family there. If it had been the op's DH father, would people also have said that anyway his family would be there so no need for the op or her DH to be there anyway?

The issue is clearly that this man is very ill, married to the mil but still not considered family :(
I'm sure that if the OP had been about MIL husband who he has known for years, has been in his life since a teenager etc responses would have been very different.

I agree with onion clearly next time my time DH wants to go somewhere to support his mum,mill tell him to grow up and be an adult. Why on earth would he need me anyway when it is an inconvenience for me?

And yes of course you need to have a look at what you can do. But it was only one afternoon. Not months. It was one day to help and support her mil and her DH. It wasn't asking to care for her MIL for the next 10 years and for the op to be on call whenever she says so.

I do hope that whatever decision that will be taken will not result in the husband dying TBH (the OP is talking about taking life and death decisions today) and for the OP to have refused to support her DH and her MIL for her own convenience.

[GabsAlot]

if theres noone to look after ds then no yanbu

when my nan was very ill an eventually died in hposital we werent taken up there it was too much for young kids-theyre hard to distract and at your ds age might disturb other patients

[splendidglenda]

How are you supposed to support MIL with a two year old there?? It's not practical.

[froubylou]

yanbu.

It is simply not appropriate for dcs to be on adult wards unless they are visiting very close relatives such as their own parents. And I think only siblings should visit children's wards too. And only when it is absolutely necessary.

Dcs are full of germs. As are hospitals. I only ever take mine when absolutely unavoidable. My dp was in hospital for a fortnight a few years ago and his ward was nearly shut down due to a winter vomiting virus. And dcs were banned from visiting for that period.

Your DH can drive his dm. He might not like doing it but is presumably capable. Therefore neither you or your dc needs to go.

[EweAreHere]

It does sound like DH wasn't even going to go to the hospital but for the fact that his mum can't currently drive due to knee replacement. So I suspect he won't need much support for himself; he just didn't want to drive.

YWNBU under the scenario you have described: MIL, new husband, wouldn't even be going but for the fact that she needs a lift, and 2 year old who would have to sit in the car for a couple of hours and be entertained outside of the hospital by you. Presumably, new husband's own extended family will also be present to provide support for MIL.

Definitely NBU.

However, a previous poster's suggestion that perhaps you could help cook and stock up MIL's freezer while she's moving so well is a nice one.

[Phalenopsisgirl]

Ywnbu imo, dh is far better taking mil on his own, if there are difficult decisions to make it is really up to this man and her (and his dc if he has any) extra hangers on really aren't useful or necessary at this time, however well meaning. If the visit goes on longer than expected they don't have to worry about your ds and they are free to wait it out if unexpected events crop up. I'm sure you are supportive but in this instance you'd be far more use preparing a nice hot meal for anyone who needs one to come home to at whatever time. It would be different if this was dh's father but clearly the only person who is really effected here is mil

[hackmum]

YANBU at all.

You'd have all gone on the trip to the hospital. Then MIL and presumably DH would have got out to visit the FIL. Then you would have had to hang around in the car or hospital cafe or whatever entertaining a two-year-old for however long it took. And then you'd have all driven back. In what way, really, would you have been any support to DH or his mother? It would have been irritating for you, annoying for the child and no-one really would have benefited.

[metaphoricus]

I think it's more to do with the DH being a nervous driver than anything to do with emotional support. I can imagine myself asking DH to do that,
as I also hate any long distance driving - he does it all.
Having said that, I have to do it myself if he's doing something else,
and I do get a bit grumpy with him about it. Still, YWNBU.

[57968sp]

You haven't been unreasonable OP, you have done what is best for your little one and now you are showing care for your MIL. Wish you were my DIL.