Bloody hell I've been really unreasonable haven't I?

[Eminybob]

MIL just had a knee replacement so can't drive
Her DH (not DH's dad - second (reasonably recent) second marriage) is very very ill and has just been taken to hospital in another town around an hours drive away.
She has asked for a lift to see him, which obviously we are happy to do. I agreed last night that we would all go, including 2 year old DS.
Having thought about it, I felt that as DS wouldn't be allowed in the hospital it would mean that we would have to wait outside, so asked DH if he could take mil on his own.
He said he thinks we should all go as a family, for support (may have to make a life or death decision today regarding an operation). I said I didn't think this was fair on DS as it would mean 2 hours cooped up in car seat, plus time spent waiting.
We had a bit of an argument and he has gone on his own.
I now feel really guilty. I feel that I should have gone for support, but I stand by my arguement that it's not fair on DS. (Who is now napping)
To add some more context, we only have one car and I generally do all the driving. DH can and does drive when needed but hates it, which I feel is part of his reason for wanting me to go.
wibu?

I think it was tricky decision and I don't think either you or your DH were being unreasonable. If I were you I would apologise and let him know you wish you had thought to leave DS with BIL and SIL and hopefully he will apologise for being grumpy. At times like this everyone needs to be kind to each other.
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I would of gone in these circumstances, it's such a delicate situation with mil DH being very ill and it sounded like your DH wanted your support too which I think is understandable.
When it's family you just do things in these situations because family is important.

Have a think about other ways you can support

BoomBoomsCousin
So your DH might have to support his mum while she makes the decision to let his father die

I think it's his step-father, and a relatively new marriage, so no real strong connection to the OP's husband. I'm sure they'll all be fine. It's boring enough waiting around hospitals, but trying to keep a 2 YO entertained while you are doing it is really hard. It would be better for your MIL not to have the distraction too, I think.

Your FIL is no blood relative and the marriage is comparatively recent. MIL is your DH's mother. If she needs support in making any decisions then it should be from her son, and or FIL's children if her has any. It's hardly an occasion for an extended family meeting with toddler in tow.
This all presupposed FIL is non compis mentis and unable to make decisions for himself.
It may also be appropriate for your DH to allow MIL and FIL to spend time alone.
I think the unpredictability re how long the hospital visit will last is sufficient reason on its own to justify your not going (even if toddler left with others).
Not a nice situation for your DH to be in but that's a consequence of having serious sickness and death in one's family. One can give one's DP or DH support and empathise but can't take away the responsibilities and grief.
When you have a better idea of the situation after this initial visit you will be better informed as to what is appropriate next time.
Good luck

I would of gone as it sounds like your DH wanted your support which is understandable.
Yes a 2 year old in hospital isn't ideal but when it's family you get on with these things.

Maybe do something nice for when your DH gets home as it sounds like it could be a hard day and think of another way to support your mil

Your husband is a grown man, he's more than capable of 'support' for his mother.

So because he is an adult he does not need emotional support from his wife? God i find that a cold attitude.

I would give whatever emotional support to DP that he needed simply because i love him even if that would put me out for a few hours.
I would feel very let down by DP if he left me to go through something like this on my own.

Trying to put myself in mil shoes right now, I would've thought better for everyone not to have a two-year old around when making life or death decisions.

A two year-old cannot possibly understand the situation and would behave like... well a two-year old - tired, grumpy, lively, noisy depending on how he was feeling at that moment in time etc etc!! It depends on the child but none of mine would've been able to behave themselves in a hospital for very long at that age.

You would end up spending most of the time in the car park so not being able to offer much support to mil anyway.

Do you have anyone you could rope in to have DS so you can visit another time?

YADNBU No doubt it would be up to you to entertain a bored 2 year old. It's not DH'S dad it his recent stepdad. Yes MIL may need support but you don't have to traipse on a 2 hrs car journey then keep a toddler out of mischief in a hospital for god knows how long to offer it. I would have done the same as you, in fact I have done similar and MIL and DH were in full agreement.

Your husband is a grown man, he's more than capable of 'support' for his mother.

So a man can't be upset and want the support of his dw/dp the person he is closest too. Why? Because his a man?

My DH is a grown man but if he needed my support I would of course offer him that support, just like he would be

You could look at it from MIL's point of view. She may actually get some benefit from having one on one time with her DS without distraction from a toddler.

I agree with PP to make a fuss of your DH when he gets home and show him you support him. Even though it's his Stepfather, not his own DF, it will be an emotional time for him.

Really hard decision to make and I don't think there is a right or wrong answer, unless there was someone you know who could readily look after DS.

When DF was ill a few months ago, I mostly did the visits myself and left DH to look after DS -10. We went as a family sometimes, but found it easiest to do the trips by myself.

However talked to a friend last night and her FIL is gravely ill. For the last couple of weekends, the DCs have been sent to friends whilst she supported her DH in the hospital visits, which goes to show there is no right or wrong answer.

There's no right or wrong answer, and it's hard on your DH if he hates driving to do so under strain, but at the end of the day you do have a 2 year old and you all have to work out what's best for you as a family.Once you know if it's a marathon or a sprint, then you can make plans accordingly.

Having read the last update, I'm going to say that I think your husband has been really selfish here. He isn't the one that needs support, it's this poor man'd wife and kids that need the support and they won't want a bored toddler under their feet while they're trying to deal with all this. I absolutely think you made the right decision.

if my dh needed that support I would have offered and done whatever was necessary to be there for him whether that was asking someone else to sit with ds or taking him with us.

If it became too difficult I would take him for a walk/to the car, but at least dh would know I was nearby supporting him and could be with him if he needed me.

When it's reached life or death decisions not being "fair" on a two year old is a pretty poor excuse.

'So a man can't be upset and want the support of his dw/dp the person he is closest too. Why? Because his a man?

My DH is a grown man but if he needed my support I would of course offer him that support, just like he would be'

Um, no, because he's an adult, and when we're adults, and particularly parents of young children, sometimes we have to do hard things on our own because it's not sensible to have a young child around. There's potential for this to involve a very hard conversation in a small relative's room, hours of waiting, all sorts of emotions and situations where it's really not a good place for a toddler to be and the other parent really isn't best placed to offer this support with a toddler about.

I can't believe the it's not DH dad just a recent step dad comments.

The man my mother is now married too isn't my father they met when mum was 69 and married, but I still think highly of him and he means a lot to me. I would be upset if anything was to happen to him because he is a good man and brought my mother happiness and I hope my DH would offer me support not like oh it's only a recent step dad

Its awful to read the comnents oh hes not the father. The marriage is new. Hes not a blood relative. This sick man is still a person and is loved by mil to disregard how tragic the situation is and how affected DH might be all because he us not his dad us cruel.

There are a suprusing number of heartless ans selfish people on this thread.

OP i hope your mil and DH are ok it is such a sad and heartbreaking time.

You made the right decision

But surely the needs of his birth children and wife take precedent over the needs of an adult step son? it's not an appropriate place for a toddler to be.

Not unreasonable. It's no place for a young child.

If there were other family members, as they are today, I wouldn't have taken a 2 year old.

But, if you have to, you don't have to stay in the car. You can go to cafe (maybe in hospital) or a park.

I agree the bedside of a dying step-grandfather is not the place for a 2 year old.

I don't think anyone is saying that the step father doesn't matter because he's not a blood relative, but can you imagine if you were at the bedside of your father, and the son of his relatively new wife rocks up with a toddler in tow because he "needed support". I think could potentially be very upsetting for them. They have a lot of important decisions to make, they won't want someone else's bored toddler there.

The thing is, if she hadn't needed a lift, it is unlikely that DH would have even gone. His brother isn't going, FILS own children will be there making the decisions.
Although of course she is grateful of having DH's support, the primary reason for him going is to provide her with transport.

We will of course all go and spend time with her at home as a family when she is back.

And we love FIL dearly, and are devastated that he is unwell, but of course it is not the same as it would be if it were DH's father.

I wouldn't take the kids either. My niece has cancer and children's visits are short. I usually go on my own. There's no way I could deal with my middle son if he had a meltdown in a kids cancer ward. Yes support is nice but spending time there without having to worry about my kids is worth more.

I don't think yabu.

I have been in that situation, with fil at deaths door, and have been advised by the hospital that no children would be permitted on the intensive/critical care wards. So dh took his mum until fil was in a ward where the children were allowed. Then I took over as it meant no one else (bil and his wife, dh) had to take time off work. I'm a sahp.

So if things really are that bleak, you are best off staying out of the way until you all know the score. Then it might be that you want to take ds for a visit if things really aren't going to improve. But I would check whether he'd be allowed. You also have a restricted number of people beside, so you'd be in and out for mil and others to visit anyway.

Maybe offer another time to take mil while dh stays with ds so she knows it's nothing personal.