Bloody hell I've been really unreasonable haven't I?

[Eminybob]

MIL just had a knee replacement so can't drive
Her DH (not DH's dad - second (reasonably recent) second marriage) is very very ill and has just been taken to hospital in another town around an hours drive away.
She has asked for a lift to see him, which obviously we are happy to do. I agreed last night that we would all go, including 2 year old DS.
Having thought about it, I felt that as DS wouldn't be allowed in the hospital it would mean that we would have to wait outside, so asked DH if he could take mil on his own.
He said he thinks we should all go as a family, for support (may have to make a life or death decision today regarding an operation). I said I didn't think this was fair on DS as it would mean 2 hours cooped up in car seat, plus time spent waiting.
We had a bit of an argument and he has gone on his own.
I now feel really guilty. I feel that I should have gone for support, but I stand by my arguement that it's not fair on DS. (Who is now napping)
To add some more context, we only have one car and I generally do all the driving. DH can and does drive when needed but hates it, which I feel is part of his reason for wanting me to go.
wibu?

If my husband had wanted my support I would have agreed. I think YWB a bit U.

You did the sensible thing even if it feels unsupportive. When you have small kids you need to compromise the ideal scenarios.

There are times when it's absolutely necessary and right you should be there to provide support - I insisted I travelled with DH for his DB's funeral as I didn't want him travelling on his own, even though this meant DS going for his first sleepover ever, he was 8 so he was ok with it.

However this doesn't sound like one of those occasions. As you say if DH hadn't been driving MIL, then he wouldn't even have been going and if MIL gets emotional, which is to be expected, then it's not hugely appropriate for a 2 year old to be around.

You are supporting him. You are taking care of things at home whilst he goes to help.

I think taking a two year old to hospital is very unhelpful.

Honestly, I think you have been unfair.
Think about it, have you never taken your DC to something, whatever it is, involving one hour drive each way? That's what we do every time we go to see my PIL or my parents and we have been doing that since they were born. Do you think it was unfair on the dcs to do that?
As for waiting outside. Again, you've never been shopping with your dcs, gone to visit xx or anything else where DC has to 'wait'.

TBH yes it is a pain for the person who is staying 'outside' (I suppose yu mean outside the ward). You need to entertain your DC. It takes time and energy and isn't as easy as what you would at home.

But your DH and your MIL needed support. You said YES in the first place. It is not a small issue. There are some life and death decisions to take.

yes sorry but YHBVVVU

Btw I thnk it is really unreasonnable because your DH asked for yout support by there with DC.
That in itself should have been enough really.

I think YABU a life or death decision your poor MIL and her Poor DH of course your DH wanted your support,surely anyone would put themselves out for the one they love when something like that is going on!

Is there no cafe in the Hospital or if not any shops or play areas,museums or parks near by so that you could have drove there,your DH could have gone and been with his Mum and StepDad and you would have had something to do to keep your DS occupied?

YABVU - he asked for support and you said no.

Well....... I would have gotten someone to look after my child and supported both my mil and husband. However, I have been in your mils situation and have appreciated the support.
However you can't undo what is done, moving on- I would apply what support you can. Can you have a nice meal ready for you husband and mil? Help out in other ways over the coming weeks.
In times like that, knowing that someone gives a shit is very very important.

I think you did the right thing. Last thing his SF's wife and kids need is to have to watch what they are saying and keep their emotions in check because of a 2 year olds presence. Our, then 3 yr old visited her dying grandfather many times, but never when the news was fresh or upsetting decisions had to be made as it wouldnt have been fair on the them to feel they had to filter their emotions and DD was far too young to have coped if Grandma or Grandad broke down.

If DH had needed you there rather than wanted you there I'm sure you'd have realised and left DS with your BIL so not sure why all the "but he needed you" angst.

Thinking back to my DS aged two who was a tanruming, car sick, couldn't sit still for a minute toddler YANBU.
I'm guessing that some of the people on this thread have never been to visit someone at the end stage of life. I doubt if they would even let you in and it is not a place for a small child.

the fact you could have left your ds with a relative makes you very selfish .your lilttle one would have been looked after and you could have supported your hubby .my hubby detested my mother and even he would not have been so unkind .

YANBU, especially in light of your most recent post saying that if it wasn't for DH giving her a lift he wouldn't be at the hospital at all. Sounds like he needed support with the driving rather than the emotional aspect.
Hospitals, and life/death decisions are not the place for a 2 year old.

If I were the MIL I would not want an unhappy 2yo to be there. I'd want to focus all my energy on my partner I was worried about & see it as appropriate that the (probably bored can't sit still) 2yo not come along. There might be other times & places to bring the toddler, but this doesn't tick the box.

YANBU! At all!

Your said that your DS cannot enter the hospital. So he would either have to stay in the car, or if the hospital was near a park/town centre he could be taken there. Regardless, you're not going to leave him by himself, are you? So you wouldn't be inside the hospital either. You could offer no more support to your DH/DMIL from the hospital car park than you could from home.

Add in to the mix DMIL/DH exiting the hospital, probably upset, to face a prbobably fractious toddler. Much better to return to the calm of an empty car.

I don't think your DH has properly thought this through.

I wouldn't be happy leaving a 2 year old at a relatives for the day on short notice either, given how ill the Fil is I'd be expecting this visit to take all day and if he is near the end , possibly all night. Otherwise the OP might have to leave her DH at the hospital to go and get her DS, which would cause even more issues.

You know your child better than any of us. I might have taken DD in similar circumstances because she would sit in the buggy for ages, was happy sitting and colouring in a coffee shop. DS at the same age wants to be running around all the time and will scream if you try to get him to do anything he doesn't want to do. I wouldn't take him.

Sadly, when you have children you also often have to make compromises.

If you DH wanted you there he could also have asked someone to look after your child. It's not totally up to you to problem solve every issue.

I would VERY surprised that a child isn't allowed to enter the hospital AT ALL. It is a hospital, not a prison!
They might not be able to enter in the ward which is very different.

As for the driving, actually, for me this makes it all worse.
So you know your DH doesn't like driving and isn't confident. That means he will be stressed going there and back.
But that's OK to refuse to help him when you know he will have to face an extremely stressful situation in the first place.... Nope, better to make it even more stressful for him.
All that because ??? It wouldn't be fair on your DC...
Please, at least be honest and say that you didn't entertain the idea to wait for a couple of hours with your child, having to entertain him in a not that easy situation.
Especially as it wasn't to support your DH's father but his mum's husband, who is quite recent too...
In effect you are saying that the fact he is his father and the relationship is relatively new means that you shouldn't considered him as family and you shouldn't be asked to kake a big effort.

I personally think it is a shame and is absolutely NOT the way I see family.
I would (and have btw) driven in that situation wo any question.

OP you mentioned BIL and SIL could have taken DS while you were away. Are they from DH side of family? Could one of them not have supported MIL or gone with DH?

Of course you were right not to go. This was a no brainer. Stop beating yourself up and don't listen to the guilt-trippers on here.

We had similar recently, had to go through to Sheffield at 1am after getting a call at 12ish, It was my GF's brother, losing blood faster than they could replace it, I called my Mum who came to watch the kids monitors and I took my GF and her Dad.
It was a 90 min drive and was as foggy as could be but sometimes you just have to decide to drop everything and do what needs doing IMO. My Mum is the only person we can rely on and shes not in the best of health but at times like these you have to ask family or friends, even in the early hours!
Everything is ok now but we did have to go with the kids a few days later, I entertained them for 2 hours (22 Month old/5 Month old) and it was a bit of a handful but I did feel glad that I'd helped. There were 2 incidents were his life was at risk and if the worst had come to the worst it's best to protect you and yours from regrets/blame, of course kids have to have a lot of consideration but when its life or death, just do it is my opinion.

What whereyouleftit said