Bloody hell I've been really unreasonable haven't I?

[Eminybob]

MIL just had a knee replacement so can't drive
Her DH (not DH's dad - second (reasonably recent) second marriage) is very very ill and has just been taken to hospital in another town around an hours drive away.
She has asked for a lift to see him, which obviously we are happy to do. I agreed last night that we would all go, including 2 year old DS.
Having thought about it, I felt that as DS wouldn't be allowed in the hospital it would mean that we would have to wait outside, so asked DH if he could take mil on his own.
He said he thinks we should all go as a family, for support (may have to make a life or death decision today regarding an operation). I said I didn't think this was fair on DS as it would mean 2 hours cooped up in car seat, plus time spent waiting.
We had a bit of an argument and he has gone on his own.
I now feel really guilty. I feel that I should have gone for support, but I stand by my arguement that it's not fair on DS. (Who is now napping)
To add some more context, we only have one car and I generally do all the driving. DH can and does drive when needed but hates it, which I feel is part of his reason for wanting me to go.
wibu?

[NightWanderer]

Because (as the diversity in answers shows) there are no rights and wrongs in these situations, you just have to do what you think is best. The OP was obviously upset about what happened and came here for some support and reassurance. It can't be easy for her either, so I suspect a little compassion wouldn't go astray.

[Eminybob]

DH has conceded that it was right that I didn't go.

They were there 3 hours, there was a lot of hanging about, we couldn't have really done stuff away from the hospital as it was peeing it down.

And no decisions/conversations were had about the operation as they are waiting to see a specialist in the week.

Mil didn't come for tea as it happens as she was too tired and wanted to get home. She has a lift to the hospital for the next couple of days from elsewhere and her DH's daughter is going to be staying with her for a bit (isn't local but is sticking round for the sake of her father).

I do still feel a bit guilty, mainly because we argued so I may have come across as a bit heartless, but the agreement is that it was the right thing.

[ItsJustNotRight]

YABU. Kids are a pain at times but they can't always be first priority , sometimes them and their needs neeed to be way down the pecking order even if that causes a great deal of inconvenience.

[lizzieoak]

But of a silly question here, but I've only gone as a visitor to an English hospital twice (though spent more time than I care to remember sitting around surgeries). Are there not cafeterias in British hospitals (as a rule)? There are in Canada, unless it's a tiny country one, so I'd assumed that was part of a city hospital. But perhaps not?

[justaweeone]

Good on you op
X

[57968sp]

You haven't been unreasonable OP, you have done what is best for your little one and now you are showing care for your MIL. Wish you were my DIL.

[metaphoricus]

I think it's more to do with the DH being a nervous driver than anything to do with emotional support. I can imagine myself asking DH to do that,
as I also hate any long distance driving - he does it all.
Having said that, I have to do it myself if he's doing something else,
and I do get a bit grumpy with him about it. Still, YWNBU.

[hackmum]

YANBU at all.

You'd have all gone on the trip to the hospital. Then MIL and presumably DH would have got out to visit the FIL. Then you would have had to hang around in the car or hospital cafe or whatever entertaining a two-year-old for however long it took. And then you'd have all driven back. In what way, really, would you have been any support to DH or his mother? It would have been irritating for you, annoying for the child and no-one really would have benefited.

[Phalenopsisgirl]

Ywnbu imo, dh is far better taking mil on his own, if there are difficult decisions to make it is really up to this man and her (and his dc if he has any) extra hangers on really aren't useful or necessary at this time, however well meaning. If the visit goes on longer than expected they don't have to worry about your ds and they are free to wait it out if unexpected events crop up. I'm sure you are supportive but in this instance you'd be far more use preparing a nice hot meal for anyone who needs one to come home to at whatever time. It would be different if this was dh's father but clearly the only person who is really effected here is mil

[EweAreHere]

It does sound like DH wasn't even going to go to the hospital but for the fact that his mum can't currently drive due to knee replacement. So I suspect he won't need much support for himself; he just didn't want to drive.

YWNBU under the scenario you have described: MIL, new husband, wouldn't even be going but for the fact that she needs a lift, and 2 year old who would have to sit in the car for a couple of hours and be entertained outside of the hospital by you. Presumably, new husband's own extended family will also be present to provide support for MIL.

Definitely NBU.

However, a previous poster's suggestion that perhaps you could help cook and stock up MIL's freezer while she's moving so well is a nice one.

[froubylou]

yanbu.

It is simply not appropriate for dcs to be on adult wards unless they are visiting very close relatives such as their own parents. And I think only siblings should visit children's wards too. And only when it is absolutely necessary.

Dcs are full of germs. As are hospitals. I only ever take mine when absolutely unavoidable. My dp was in hospital for a fortnight a few years ago and his ward was nearly shut down due to a winter vomiting virus. And dcs were banned from visiting for that period.

Your DH can drive his dm. He might not like doing it but is presumably capable. Therefore neither you or your dc needs to go.

[splendidglenda]

How are you supposed to support MIL with a two year old there?? It's not practical.

[GabsAlot]

if theres noone to look after ds then no yanbu

when my nan was very ill an eventually died in hposital we werent taken up there it was too much for young kids-theyre hard to distract and at your ds age might disturb other patients

[MammouthTask]

Well nowhere in the OP does it says the the MIL DH will have his family there. If it had been the op's DH father, would people also have said that anyway his family would be there so no need for the op or her DH to be there anyway?

The issue is clearly that this man is very ill, married to the mil but still not considered family :(
I'm sure that if the OP had been about MIL husband who he has known for years, has been in his life since a teenager etc responses would have been very different.

I agree with onion clearly next time my time DH wants to go somewhere to support his mum,mill tell him to grow up and be an adult. Why on earth would he need me anyway when it is an inconvenience for me?

And yes of course you need to have a look at what you can do. But it was only one afternoon. Not months. It was one day to help and support her mil and her DH. It wasn't asking to care for her MIL for the next 10 years and for the op to be on call whenever she says so.

I do hope that whatever decision that will be taken will not result in the husband dying TBH (the OP is talking about taking life and death decisions today) and for the OP to have refused to support her DH and her MIL for her own convenience.

[Eminybob]

They are on their way back. Think I have redeemed myself by inviting mil for tea. Which is MASSIVE for me as I hate house guests. Even my own mother!
Best run the Hoover round.

[greenfolder]

You are being the sensible one. Dh can drive. Just not liking it is not a good enough reason to subject all of you to a 2 yr old in a hospital setting.
Now you have rationally thought it through maybe you could have left Ds elsewhere, but Dh didn't think of that either!

[diddl]

YANBU imo.

MIL just wanted a lift, so if she's not needing support, why would Op's husband be?

[anotheronebitthedust]

but if you would have to stay with DS either way (either in car, or in reception area or wherever) you wouldn't have been with DH & MIL at SFIL's bedside anyway. So I don't see how it is that much different (to DH) that you were not-there at your house, or not-there in the car - either way he and MIL were alone at the key time, and you would then have supported them upon their return.

So it's actually, as you've said in your later posts, about transport rather than support, which is a different question really, more of AIBU to not drive my husband and MIL to the hospital, which again, as long as DH is mentally and physically capable I would still think YWBU.

[expatinscotland]

'When my wife next needs my support because someone in her family is ill, ill tell her that she can deal with it by herself because she's an adult. '

The person wasn't going to even go to the hospital at all in the first place until his mother asked him for a lift.

And yes, as an adult you have to balance your need for support with what's best for the family, not just you.

[lizzieoak]

Not sure what's right, but I would have gone and taken the little one to the hospital cafeteria till MIL was ready. I don't think the choice was sit in the car or stay home.