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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not give money or presents to any staff at my child's school

267 replies

definetlynotbored · 01/10/2016 09:21

I refuse to contribute to staff donations, presents for teachers, staff birthdays etc etc etc.

If others want to do it thats fine. But the day I spend my money buying a present for my child's teacher (who gets paid to teach him) is the day I am in a grave.

It's completely and utterly unnecessary. Would be seen as highly inappropriate in my culture and is just silly.

I would be the first person to help anyone out in a crisis, but I don't give presents or money to class donations/teachers presents and never will and I'm not a mean person...honestly!

I'm not the only one surely? .

OP posts:

AllPizzasGreatAndSmall · 02/10/2016 21:52

Worried Nonsense. I, and everyone else in my class at school, brought in Christmas presents and end of year presents for their classroom teacher and this was in the UK in the 60's and 70's.

I was at primary school in the 70s and it really wasn't a thing in my school.

PterodactylToenails · 02/10/2016 21:56

Don't do it then. I have contributed towards gifts every year apart from last year because I didn't think my child's teacher did a good job; therefore, she did not deserve anything from me!

Wayfarersonbaby · 02/10/2016 22:07

We always gave our primary school teachers a small Christmas and end of year gift (1980s) - their desks would be full of boxes of matchmakers and mugs on the last day of term!

Eiram49 · 02/10/2016 22:17

In both my roles as psychiatric nurse and social worker, receiving gifts from service users has always been prohibited. I agree that there is no need and should be no expectation that people do so.
We are after all doing our job and should be providing the best service
Possible at all times. That's not to say that individuals don't go above and beyond at times and genuine, kind words of thanks have always touched me more than any gift.

happymumof4crazykids · 02/10/2016 22:19

When my eldest started school I was like a sheep and did as the other parents were giving gifts at Christmas and end of year this ended up costing a fortune! Thing is each class had 1 teacher and 5 teaching assistants by the time my second started school 2 years later I stopped doing it. 12 gifts just for teachers was just too expensive. As the years have gone on the gifts from some of the parents have been getting very ott definitely a case of trying to out do each other. All very well for the teachers but no way was I getting caught up in all that! A simple card is more than enough :)

LittleMia · 02/10/2016 22:20

Tissues, glue sticks, blue tac, pencils even,.. I'd definitely very much appreciate any of these in my class... Things that benefit the kids ultimately but for which there is very little budget!

PunkrockerGirl · 02/10/2016 22:20

That sounds lovely, mousey
I'm a nurse, we don't expect presents because yes, we are paid for what we do. However, if a patient/relative wants to buy us a present, we ask that it's something that will benefit the whole team, not just one individual nurse. Because shifts change and it won't be the same nurse looking after the patient all the time.
Teaching's different though - in primary school, children have one teacher for the whole school year. If you feel the teacher has done a good job, contribute to a class collection if you want, or buy an individual present for your child to give if that's your preference. But don't imagine for a minute that the teacher will be losing sleep if you choose not to do either.
Give or don't give, no-one else will be attaching as much importance or giving a flying fuck to the matter as you are OP.
I hate thinly veiled teacher bashing threads like these. Tbh, you come across as a bitter, point scoring twat. Maybe get that gigantic chip off your shoulder and face the reality that nobody, including the teachers, give a shiny shit as to whether you donate to a present or not.

JellyBelli · 02/10/2016 22:21

We used to give a card to good teachers at the end of year, and a gift if they retired.
Its all got out of hand these days.

MrsHathaway · 02/10/2016 22:22

Thanks Mia.

mummylove2monsters · 02/10/2016 22:56

We always give daffodils at Easter ,
A little gift and card at Christmas and a little thankyou at the end of the year - they are not paid what they should be - I think it's important to show appreciation for what these wonderful people do for our children - of you don't see the need that's totally fine but you shouldn't be annoyed that people do x

Londonista · 02/10/2016 23:00

What PunkRocker said. This thread makes for a demoralising read. And I'm not even a teacher!

simiisme · 02/10/2016 23:55

YANBU. I am a teacher in a secondary school and the whole gift malarkey is not the norm at our school. Best and most treasured things I've ever received? Hand-written notes and handmade cards from students. I did receive a couple of bottles of wine from parents to say thank you for being their child's form tutor for 5 years (they were leaving at the end of Yr 11) and that was lovely but unexpected.
Ass a Mum, I used to get a little something at the end of the year for my kids' teachers - but there's only one teacher each at primary and they do so much for them. I also encouraged my children to write them a nice, personal message in a card.

simiisme · 02/10/2016 23:58

PunkrockerGirl - :D Thanks for supporting teachers; we support nurses, too!

StrawberryLime · 03/10/2016 00:45

I'll give money towards collections if the teacher is retiring and there's a collection going round.
If it's a buy a teacher a present at the end of the year though? No. Why? Just don't get it.
Completely baffles me why some professions expect presents but some you wouldn't dream of buying for.

Iggi999 · 03/10/2016 08:33

It is not that "the profession" expects presents. It is entirely a primary school thing. If a box of chocolates arrives in a secondary school from a parent, it results in an announcement in the staff room - it's that rare. Which surely tells you that it is something to do with the small children, either wanting them to show thanks to a significant adult in their life, or a carry on from thanking childminders and nursery workers in this way.
I have always given a box of chocolates to any hospital ward I've stayed on, yet I doubt anyone would say that nurses "as a profession" expect gifts.

Eolian · 03/10/2016 08:33

But teachers DON'T expect presents. Sometimes they are given presents, but that doesn't mean they expect them. The expectation of giving gifts to teachers comes from certain parents, not from the teachers.

I'm a secondary teacher and also the parent of a child in primary and one newly in secondary. Secondary teachers don't usually get presents except maybe if they are the form teacher or have gone really above and beyond to support a particular child. Or simply because a few parents feel that giving teachers presents is the done thing even at secondary.

I don't ever expect presents and have rarely given them to my children's teachers except one who was truly an inspiration to dd. My dc sometimes like to make their teachers a card or some biscuits or something though. Getting presents for ALL of a secondary school pupil's teachers would be bonkers.

Iggi999 · 03/10/2016 08:35

Eolian

Ragwort · 03/10/2016 08:40

No one is saying teachers (or anyone who does a good job for that matter) - don't deserve respect and a proper 'thank you' - those of us who are 'anti-gifts' are trying to point out that the perssure on some parents to buy presents is just not reasonable. Personally I can afford to buy presents if I want to but I also have the confidence not to buy them as I believe they are totally unnecessary and unprofessional.

Many of us, myself included, are prepared to help teachers and schools in more productive ways than buying a box of Quality Street; I spent years going into school to hear reading, have been on every PTA at the schools my DC attended, organised numerous fund raising events, DH served as a School Governor, etc etc etc. It is not about teacher bashing - it is trying to point out how you can support teachers without having to buy a thank you gift at Christmas.

But people reading this thread seem to just think we are mean spirited. hmm]

alltouchedout · 03/10/2016 08:52

I do think the expectation that you will give presents to or make donations to fund big presents for teachers is unreasonable. I've always got something for the dc's teachers and TAs but it was a real struggle when we were at our lowest financial ebb (one unemployed and one a student), and I don't really know any reason why I scrimped to do it other than expectation and custom. It's silly that I did considering the teachers as individuals earned more than our total household income at the time!
Tbh I think it's TAs, who are paid an insulting pittance and work damned hard with very little external recognition ('only' a TA, some people say) who should be first in line for presents and collections. There doesn't seem to be the same pressure to recognise their efforts with gifts.

falange · 03/10/2016 09:45

YANBU at all. I would never ever buy a present for a teacher. It's ridiculous. They are professionals who are on a reasonable salary, they don't need tips.

RabbitsNap01 · 03/10/2016 09:56

i just don't understand the 'professionals don't deserve presents' thing - i'm a professional on a good salary, first of all i wouldn't be offended if I got a box of chocolates at Christmas from my boss for working particularly hard, and secondly, i don't do the hours of unpaid overtime my teacher friends do. There is a bit of it in what I do, but I'm not regularly up til midnight lesson planning and making exciting craft projects for the children.

Eolian · 03/10/2016 12:18

I think almost all teachers would agree that it is totally unacceptable for parents to feel pressured by other parents into buying presents for teachers. I would be genuinely horrified and embarrassed to think that parents were being hounded for money for a joint class present for me or were being made to feel stingy for not buying their own gift.

Iggi

pepperpot99 · 03/10/2016 13:01

OP if you don't want to give then don't. You do sound like a real misery guts though.
At my DC's primary school the one parent who moaned relentlessly about feeling 'forced' to contribute and never , ever did was the same parent who took up more time than anyone with the teacher, always steaming in there to complain about something. She was also the parent who never helped with the summer fete, Christmas market, harvest decorations ettc etc...totally lazy and entitled. I hope you aren't like that OP.

falange · 03/10/2016 13:08

pepperpot99 Even if the op doesn't help with fetes, Christmas stuff etc she still doesn't need to buy a teacher a present. As far as I know not volunteering to help with those things is perfectly fine if you don't want to.

deotriese · 03/10/2016 13:09

Am I weird in saying I love giving gifts to my son's teachers? I like the thought of them opening it and knowing I appreciate the time and effort that they put in to my son's education. We have Mother's Day, Fathers Day - for people who raise kids, but teachers do too and they totally deserve a gift to say thanks. After all, there are probably hundreds of other jobs they could have gone into. Reminding them that they make a difference is worth it.

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