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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not give money or presents to any staff at my child's school

267 replies

definetlynotbored · 01/10/2016 09:21

I refuse to contribute to staff donations, presents for teachers, staff birthdays etc etc etc.

If others want to do it thats fine. But the day I spend my money buying a present for my child's teacher (who gets paid to teach him) is the day I am in a grave.

It's completely and utterly unnecessary. Would be seen as highly inappropriate in my culture and is just silly.

I would be the first person to help anyone out in a crisis, but I don't give presents or money to class donations/teachers presents and never will and I'm not a mean person...honestly!

I'm not the only one surely? Grin.

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 01/10/2016 13:14

Wow soimpressed I had no idea resources were that bad. Thank you for caring about the children. Well said, I don't like the motives for starting the thread either.

LikelyLama · 01/10/2016 13:17

Does anyone think that just giving a card is miserable? or is an actual present important.

I contributed to a few gifts when the DC were little but I found it all got a bit silly. There was competitive gift giving going on, some of the presents were absolute crap and then I had the awkward situation of not liking a couple of teachers so I stopped with the presents. Also, I have four kids close in age so it ended up being a chore rather than a meaningful thoughtful gesture.

I then started sending thoughtful thank you emails to the teachers that I personally wanted to thank. They seemed to be very well received.

I helped out in the kids class with reading and storytelling for a long while and when my kids left the school the teacher gave me a £25 book certificate 😂 Now that's a different spin on teacher gifts....

TeacherBob · 01/10/2016 13:21

oblada
If we are talking about pay, there are not many jobs where people have to routinely do double what they are paid for, just to get the basics done in order to meet targets.

Gazelda
Sorry that was not meant to come across like that. I work very closely with my parents and they never hesitate to tell me positive stuff. I was merely responding to others.
My missus always rolls my eyes at me because I get wound up but I cant change that, I get would up because I care.
(my missus just said you are tapping a lot today, what are you ranting about now? is it netmums)

acasulaobserver
Indeed. I was drawn here when researching something for parents evening. I stayed because I felt I could offer something but it is just so many threads complaining about teachers/teaching that I barely post

so impressed
I promised I wouldn't spend my own money on the children this year. Spent £50 before the school year started lol. cant help myself, especially at book shops (the works is amazing!)

TheNoodlesIncident · 01/10/2016 13:22

I give a box of nice chocolate biscuits at Christmas or end of the school year. The tag says something about appreciating all their efforts.

It is intended for ALL the staff: the CTs, the TAs, the HT, the caretaker, the cleaners, the office secretaries, the lunchtime supervisors...

They all contribute in their way to my dc's education, therefore they can all have my sincere Thank You and a nice chocolate biscuit with their morning beverage, if they want one.

(A parent at infants did a collection for the Y2 teacher, as the dc were leaving and going on to juniors. That struck me as monstrously unfair on the teachers who were "only" doing F1, reception and Y1. I did contribute but I decided never again. She possibly didn't really want the Pandora jewellery they intended to buy her either, who knows? I told her (Y2 teacher) ds had said she was the best teacher in the world and she nearly cried, and said it meant so much to her that he thought that. I was glad that I had mentioned it to her.)

MrsHathaway · 01/10/2016 13:22

it saves the hassle and each teacher and assistant gets a decent present.

This is my problem with class collections. It's completely the opposite of what I think a thank-you present should be: a well chosen token something that shows a bit of thought and appreciation.

Chucking a fiver in the collection absolves you of any thought or effort. Focusing on the quality of the gift means it's the gift that matters and not the thought.

So although in this family we're firmly committed to gifts for school staff (inc the secretary and caretaker) and club volunteers, and I spend hours emailing notes to teachers with detailed thanks, you won't ever see me putting in to a class collection.

But for those who must, can I make a plea for naming a maximum suggested £5 donation, not minimum. And don't look when someone puts money in the envelope.

Haggisfish · 01/10/2016 13:25

Personally I would much rather an email or card than a gift.

TeacherBob · 01/10/2016 13:27

likelylama that's lovely, I bet it came out of the teachers pocket

It isn't about the present,it is about the thought

I don't tend to keep pictures and things from the children, because of sheer volume. I still have the hand made card from the 4 year old who had nothing

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/10/2016 13:29

Lama. A card is also fine. Not miserable. I sent the people involved at the school a very grateful email for looking after my dd and me when she had a seizure and then ended up at a&e. I was in bits.

reup · 01/10/2016 13:32

To the poster that said teachers buying stuff was just like buying gifts for the team in other jobs. It really isn't. Most primary teachers I know buy their own resources for the classroom some of which include pencil boxes, book boxes, stickers, storage boxes, pens, pencils, cushions, cooking ingredients , posters, alphabet friezes, books. Also some buy stuff to make their life easier at home - laminators and pouches, paper cutters and they do printing at home too. When I told a friend who works in an office environment and earns much more than a teacher she couldn't believe it. I haven't even included buying gifts for xmas, end of year, motivational prizes etc. All of this is optional obviously and. It everyone does it but it can make your job easier.

TeacherBob · 01/10/2016 13:32

I hate the idea of class donations, nothing personal about it

Benedikte2 · 01/10/2016 13:35

I don't believe in buying gifts for teachers and like the OP resent the pressure or expectation that (other parents) give. Some even seem to feel that the continued goodwill of the teachers and school is dependent on them.. I always enjoyed interacting with ed professionals in a supportive way and my DC gave handmade cards and once a Fimo model.
I feel the rush to give gifts also has the propensity to made the children not having gifts to feel left out, especially if they know their family has financial problems.

seagreengirl · 01/10/2016 13:36

I have your babies for a year. For that year they are my babies too and I share every pain they go through, every job, every success and failure.

I am sorry, but this has not been my experience of my children's teachers relationship with them. Both my children were painfully shy at school. Some of their teachers barely knew them and certainly didn't share any of their pain. There has been a rare teacher that I felt really knew and understood my children.

SheldonCRules · 01/10/2016 13:48

I'd rather buy a teacher or TA a gift for their daily input in my child's life than a one off encounter with a waitress or taxi driver. Most teachers go above and beyond their job spec for the children and a token of appreciation shows it's recognised.

It doesn't mean I don't give to charity as well, people can do both. A lot of charities aren't worth donating to in my eyes but up to others who they choose to help. Slating parents for giving gifts to people they feel have made their child's life better is petty.

minkybob · 01/10/2016 13:54

I'm a teacher and my school is seriously underfunded. I spend on average about £50 per year on supplies to TAKE to school so that kids in my class get to do things like food tasting or craft activities. Last year I made personalised gifts for Christmas and end of year for each child. All that being said I certainly don't expect anything in return just as I'm sure a lot if parents don't expect me to go the extra mile for the kids in my class. That being said It just seems a bit strange that you're so against buying teachers gifts. Many children form strong attachments with class teachers and teaching assistants and want to say 'remember me' with a card or small gift...not really that contentious surely??

TeacherBob · 01/10/2016 14:08

seagreengirl
I find that very sad.

Nearly all the teachers I have worked with over 20 years are the same as me.
When you put so much energy and effort into something, it is impossible not to grow attached

WhateverWillBe · 01/10/2016 14:26

This is my problem with class collections. It's completely the opposite of what I think a thank-you present should be: a well chosen token something that shows a bit of thought and appreciation. Chucking a fiver in the collection absolves you of any thought or effort

I disagree. We did a class collection this year for ds2's teacher...every parent in the class contributed. We set up a facebook group where we chatted about it as a group and all made suggestions as to what to get.

In the midst of our discussions, one of the mothers happened to go for a spa afternoon at a well know naice local hotel/spa and her dd mentioned it to the teacher...and the teacher brought it up with the mother, said her dd had told her about where her mum went and it sounded lovely and that she hadn't been to a spa for years but she'd loved it etc.

Anyway it was a bit of luck for us and we bought her a spa afternoon for two...but before we did that, there was no lack of thought or effort, we were all arguing wracking our brains for weeks for a fab gift idea as we wanted to get her something she'd really love. And she probably enjoyed the spa day a hell of a lot more that she would have enjoyed 7 mugs, 6 box of chocolates, 2 posh pens and 9 assorted candles Grin

SpeckledyBanana · 01/10/2016 14:32

YANBU. I'm not a teacher, but if I was I wouldn't want an influx of tat twice a year anyway.

We do thank you cards if DS wants to, which he usually does.

GoblinLittleOwl · 01/10/2016 14:41

If you don't want to give a present, donation, whatever, that is fine.
Is it necessary to tell everyone?

PinkyOfPie · 01/10/2016 14:45

YANBU. Completely unnecessary.

The time I didn't donate to DD's preschool workers was when the nursery and preschool flooded and they worked day and night for a week to get the top floor up and running and temporary classrooms looking fab. All the parents chipped in for them to have a meal and night out as a 'thank you', it was the least they deserved!

PinkyOfPie · 01/10/2016 14:46

Sorry the time i DID donate Blush

CozyAutumn · 01/10/2016 14:50

I give presents to the teachers I like. DS's teachers last year were wonderful. They were given a present because I was genuinely thankful and appreciative of the effort they made with DS and his learning. Not only that but their character- just genuinely nice, warm people. Up to now I can't say I'm that keen on his new teachers especially the teaching assistant, but it's only September and they might grow on me. They might even get a present next July Smile

CozyAutumn · 01/10/2016 14:51

October now sorry Blush

ChocolateWombat · 01/10/2016 14:54

As with all gifts, it should be a choice. No one should feel obliged to give anyone a gift. Class c Lectins can make people feel obliged.

This said, giving gifts, whether to family,mfriends or people who do a job which benefits you and they are paid to do, is a sign of appreciation.

As a general principle, I think it is good to show appreciation to people who help us. Don't we want our children to grow up to be people who say 'thanks' to the bus driver,not he office cleaner and the shop cashier, rather than saying 'they get paid - I don't need to say thankyou'.

So, personally (and it has to be a personal choice) I try to go out of my way to show appreciation to people.....because it just makes the world a bit better, and many people are under-appreciated, even if they are being paid.

To those who don't want to give gifts, that's fine......but my question to you, is what do you do to show appreciation to your child's teacher or their Brownie leader, or their swimming teacher, or to your postman? Most of those I've mentioned get paid (but not all) and all of them help you in some way - are you actually appreciative and do you show it in some form? Might sound preachy, but I think it's worth thinking about and is actually more important than if we give a once a year gift.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 01/10/2016 14:55

I don't understand the point of your thread.

You don't give a present or card but you say thanks.

Is that it?

ChocolateWombat · 01/10/2016 15:06

And OP, gifts might not be 'necessary'. The teacher will teach your child with or without a present. Lots of things aren't necessary - smiling at strangers in the street, holding doors open for people, giving up your seat on a bus .....these could all be deemed not necessary,

If in society we only do what is 'necessary' then life will just be a bit less pleasant for all of us. Gifts are one little part of that. I think op that you are showing a meanness of spirit TBH. It's not bout the gifts themselves, but an attitude towards others and being willing to do more than what is necessary .....putting yourself out a bit. Perhaps you do put yourself out and have shown your appreciation to the teacher (just as one example) in other ways.....all good and possibly better than present giving .....if you have done it.