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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not give money or presents to any staff at my child's school

267 replies

definetlynotbored · 01/10/2016 09:21

I refuse to contribute to staff donations, presents for teachers, staff birthdays etc etc etc.

If others want to do it thats fine. But the day I spend my money buying a present for my child's teacher (who gets paid to teach him) is the day I am in a grave.

It's completely and utterly unnecessary. Would be seen as highly inappropriate in my culture and is just silly.

I would be the first person to help anyone out in a crisis, but I don't give presents or money to class donations/teachers presents and never will and I'm not a mean person...honestly!

I'm not the only one surely? Grin.

OP posts:
RabbitsNap01 · 03/10/2016 13:19

certainly my friend gave up a job earning 3x what she earns now because she desperately wanted to do primary school teaching - and her hours are worse now.

Ohyesiam · 03/10/2016 15:13

If i think the teacher has gone the extra mile, I go the extra mile and get then a present. I'm. Married to a teacher who is contracted to do 35 hour weeks but usually average about 70, and he is not an exception, he couldn't do the job in fewer hours ( no presents though as he s not in primary , but some very nice notes!)

But collecting money seems a bit ott.

pollymere · 03/10/2016 16:09

Teaching Assistants barely earn minimum wage and only get paid their contracted hours, despite often working outside these hours. They only get paid for the weeks they work and this is then split over 52. If you don't feel you'd like to give a small thank you card and chocs that's up to you. Teachers usually give out gifts, buy stuff for kids out of their own pockets, work long hours etc trying to make a difference to your child. Again, whether you wish to say thank you is up to you.

TeacherBob · 03/10/2016 18:51

Seems from reading this thread that the people feeling under pressure to buy presents are feeling the pressure from other parents.

If anyone was feeling pressure from a teacher, I would be extremely concerned!

Susieangel · 03/10/2016 18:53

My DH has a small collection of dead naff gifts from pupils. He used to teach 11 - 16 drama. Now retired he wont get rid of them!

QueenieBob · 03/10/2016 19:11

You sound like a ray of sunshine OP Hmm I understand why you wouldn't want to buy for your postie/bin men etc but these are teaching staff in a school your children spend a lot of time in. In whom you entrust the care and education of your children. Who will regularly do over and above what they're paid to do. People who are generous with their time, patience and skill. Not multi millionaires who never have to check their bank balance but people who have chosen a vocation and would probably be grateful for any token of appreciation, however small. If you don't want to do it, don't do it. The teaching staff will carry on regardless and your children will still benefit, and you will still think you're a genuinely kind & generous person.

ChocolateWombat · 03/10/2016 20:22

There do seem to be some people who regard those such as teachers, nurses, doctors, etc with suspicion and who seem to be unwilling to see or even imagine that these people can sometimes have dramatic and huge effects on people lives.

It isn't every teacher, every year who has this effect, but there are teachers who after spending 30+ hours a week with a child for many months, will help them crack that difficult subject that has troubled them for years, will give a shy little quiet child a huge confidenc boost that their parents have been struggling to achieve for 5 years, will help them sort out their friendships and become happier, inspire them with a love of a subject which will last a lifetime. These are big and important impacts. Yes the teacher is paid, but to have an attitude that there can NEVER be a time when you might feel so thrilled at the transformation in your child, that you would want to show gratitude through a gift of some sort, seems to me to show no real awareness of the major impact that people can sometimes have on our lives. As I say, it isn't all the time and this isn't about giving gifts to everyone for the sake of it, but about being willing And able to see that sometimes people make a real difference....and also that even if the massive difference doesn't come, often teachers and other workers have tried so hard for your child. I can only see it as an entitled attitude to think that it is fine not to acknowledge (and it doesn't have to be by gift) when others work hard to help us and our families. It shocks me that people would think such changes that can made in their children's lives are so insignificant or mundane as to not deserve recognition. It is a depressing sign of how mean spirited some people are.

Mummyoflittledragon · 03/10/2016 20:32

Well said ChocolateWombat. I feel vindicated despite op criticising me for wanting my dd to make presents and show gratitude to her teachers and ta's. That's exactly my sentiment.

QueenieBob · 03/10/2016 20:38

Yes, Chocolate Wombat, all that!

KERALA1 · 03/10/2016 20:45

Exactly chocolate. What a depressing op. Righteously mean spirited.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 03/10/2016 21:33

I agree chocolate !!

RabbitsNap01 · 03/10/2016 21:35

Yes my least favourite type of cheese-parer, the righteous mean-spirited flavour

mammmamia · 03/10/2016 22:23

I agree with mean spirited! Haven't RTFT but genuinely interested to know what culture the OP comes from. Has the OP said? Why is it inappropriate? Would it be seen as an insult perhaps? Like I said genuine question.

KERALA1 · 03/10/2016 22:37

Anecdotally many other cultures are much more prone to present giving than the English. Especially Asian ones.

blackheartsgirl · 03/10/2016 23:59

So if I can't afford a nice present for the two teachers and the tas who teach my kids does that mean Im mean spirited. I refuse to be part of the line of people queuing up to give the teachers flowers, smellies best teacher mugs blah blah. It's shit that I cannot afford. I couldn't even get near dd1s teacher last year to say thank you very much for teaching her, all the rich parents hanging round..gave up in the end and went home after being ignored, she was too busy with the lovely presents, my small thanks wouldn't have been appreciated any way in comparison to these.

Dd2 teacher I did manage to say thank you too after drop off, she was a bit abrupt tbf but she found me later and said she really appreciated it and meant more to her than all the gifts because she felt I genuinely meant it and I did, she is a lovely teacher..

My ds has just left school with a grade c in English. Surprised as all, he hated English, every teacher he had up to year 10 couldn't teach him, he has adhd and asd and was pretty disruptive in class, including telling his teachers to fuck off. He couldn't understand how the subject worked, couldn't read between the lines and couldn't write a story. Until year 10 when a new teacher, fresh from uni came to the s hool..first teaching post. Ds never looked back, she was great with him,, she was engaged, switched on, realised why he struggled and got work out of him that he never thought he could do which in turn gave him confidence in his other subjects. He left with 8 cs and 2 bs in the end. Now that's a good teacher and I told her that on parents evening.

Klkl · 04/10/2016 00:07

BlackHeart
Your DS teacher sounds brilliant. I don't doubt for one moment that she appreciated your heart felt thanks and your sons exam success more than a gift. Smile

KERALA1 · 04/10/2016 06:17

It's not the giving of gifts or not that people are criticising. It's the smug revelling in not giving that grates.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 04/10/2016 06:38

I agree Kerala

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/10/2016 06:40

Blackhead that's not what has been said. Dd and I made individual cakes for the teachers and tas as well as a fridge magnets each. The fridge magnets were a plaster of Paris birthday gift for dd. I also baked a cake for the staff room, which I do at Christmas too. We made jam jar snow globes out of stuff around the house as presents at Christmas.

None of that stuff is expensive. I have never bought a ready made gift for teachers/tas. And I don't think anyone should feel obliged to buy or give gifts. The bah, humbug type comments were posted at op, who is proud she has never given gifts and believes herself so esteemed as to start a thread on the subject.

ForalltheSaints · 04/10/2016 07:09

You respect other's wishes and they should respect yours.

mammmamia · 04/10/2016 07:15

Blackhead. It's the tone of the OP that I find mean spirited. Not the actual non gift giving. And still waiting for OP to confirm what her cultural reasons are.

KC225 · 04/10/2016 07:28

Mean spirited is very different from being unable to afford something. Some of the most generous people I know have very little.

Mean spirited people are mean and begrudging with everything, praise, thanks, compliments and compassion it's not necessarily money.

RabbitsNap01 · 04/10/2016 09:48

yes if I couldn't afford to, I wouldn't give, and I wouldn't feel bad about it - that's something quite different to reveling in not believing it's right. I agree you can make cards etc. too

blackheartsgirl · 04/10/2016 12:34

You mean Blackheart not Blackhead lol Wink

Yes I can understand it was the tone of the op that annoyed people, I did write that at stupid o clock when I was knackered so probably missed the point.

To be honest even if I could afford presents for teachers I probably wouldn't, even home made does cost a bit once you've assembled the materials. The week we broke up from school for the summer I had a tenner to last me the week, I wasn't about to go and buy crafty stuff to make teacher presents with. It just annoys me that there's an expectation that ooo you must buy or make shit and compete with the other parents to show your thanks. Fine if you want to do that but I don't

A heart felt thanks is enough for me..my ds told his English teacher she was amazing the day he got his results, he also said thank you to his year 11 English teacher too, she did a good job as well.

derxa · 04/10/2016 12:49

The saddest thing I saw (& I've mentioned this before) was a mother who I know regularly uses the Food Bank in our local town struggling along to school with a huge bouquet for a teacher and later telling me she felt 'obliged' to buy it
Of course this happened.