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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to not give money or presents to any staff at my child's school

267 replies

definetlynotbored · 01/10/2016 09:21

I refuse to contribute to staff donations, presents for teachers, staff birthdays etc etc etc.

If others want to do it thats fine. But the day I spend my money buying a present for my child's teacher (who gets paid to teach him) is the day I am in a grave.

It's completely and utterly unnecessary. Would be seen as highly inappropriate in my culture and is just silly.

I would be the first person to help anyone out in a crisis, but I don't give presents or money to class donations/teachers presents and never will and I'm not a mean person...honestly!

I'm not the only one surely? .

OP posts:

Ironfloor · 01/10/2016 10:09

I've always given/contributed to DD's teachers' gifts. They have all been exceptional so far, and for the amount of work they do (not only from 8am-3pm, but preparation at home), I think they get paid a pittance. If I ever feel that they are not doing a good job, then that day, I might not give a gift. But that day hasn't come yet. I think teaching is such a thankless job.

Haggisfish · 01/10/2016 10:10

A card saying thank you and giving examples of when anybody, not just teachers, has done something you appreciate costs nothing but is always appreciated.

Ragwort · 01/10/2016 10:11

acasual - please don't think I am making this up; I actually volunteer in the Food bank that this lady uses and she talks to me on regular and confidential basis about her financial situation. I didn't think it necessary to put all that information in my original post but why would I want to make this up? I think it is sad that some people feel pressurised into buying expensive gifts, I am confident enough that it wouldn't bother me at all but people with low self esteem might feel they 'have' to buy something.

Lady - I don't doubt that teachers buy extras for their children out of their salaries but so do loads of people - I earn far less than a teacher but I frequently buy treats etc for my team and don't expect a 'present' to say thank you.

Haggisfish · 01/10/2016 10:13

Nowhere in my job description does it say I have to have affection for my students, nor am I obliged to like them or go out of way for them. I do that because it's who I am.

LikelyLama · 01/10/2016 10:14

YANBU at all. It all gets a bit of a faff. I occasionally gave a little something but my general plan was not to give presents but to be a helpful parent and have my kids be polite, respectful and hardworking at school.

Although I very rarely gave a present I did write to teachers at the end of the year if I thought they did a great job. All four of my DC ended up with the same chemistry teacher for ALevel and they all thought he was great. He was very quiet but conscientious so I thought I'd let him know in writing that we were all grateful for his hard work. My guess is that he would prefer that to a bath bomb 😉

Blueskyrain · 01/10/2016 10:14

Teachers are paid for and choose to TEACH. We don't choose to wipe tears, sort friendships, run clubs and plays, deal with bullying, teach manners, deal with emotionally challenged kids, give advice (to kids and parents) ..... it is an endless list. We don't choose to do these things. - these are all extra to the job description and we do them because we care about the children we teach.

Just like virtually any other job then. Every job has its context, teaching is no different.

DudeWheresMyVulva · 01/10/2016 10:15

I agree there are probably pressures, and if the kids are talking about what they are getting for their favourite teacher it places pressure on the kids who know they can't afford it.

I am trying to think if there is any 'pressure' at DS's school. Probably a bit yes, because everyone seems to do it. Do I feel pressure? Um..... like I said, I am happy to give a gift, BUT, I am just thinking about how I would feel if I did not give a gift, and I am feeling a bit uncomfortable, so perhaps the pressure is more internalised that I realised.

What is the threshold above which teachers have to report their gifts? Last year we did have a class club-in and bought the teacher a gift package of fancy unguents that cost a good £100.00.

Ragwort · 01/10/2016 10:17

Tipping waiters/taxi drivers is a completely different matter.

The 'logic' to me is that it is an established fact that waiting staff earn low wages and 'tips' are an expectation (when good service is given) to bring their wages up to a more reasonable level. And tips have to be declared and tax paid on them.

I have no doubt that many teachers do a great job but if I were a teacher I would much prefer a heartfelt thank you letter than a box of chocolates/bottle of wine/thank you teacher mug .......... or other associated tat.

Another point, which I have made several times over the years on Mumsnet is why so few volunteers receive 'thank you presents' - sports coaches, Brownie leaders, Cub Leaders etc etc who really give up their time and energy for no financial reward to help your children. I think these are the people that really deserve an 'extra' thank you.

hotdiggedy · 01/10/2016 10:17

Why would you be happy to tip a taxi driver or a waitress but not give something to a teacher or teaching assistants?

Seems to me there are too many misery guts in the world.

hotdiggedy · 01/10/2016 10:18

Oh and there are plenty Teaching assistants and nursery staff who earn very little too!

Olympiathequeen · 01/10/2016 10:18

I certainly agree it's not on to give money, but a small personal gift to a teacher or TA who has really shown care is a thoughtful thing to do.

I made photo books for my DSs TAs who had been with him 3 years. He has SN. They were so lovely to him and deserved far more.

CaptinMuma · 01/10/2016 10:20

We do buy for our teachers, our teacher buy for our kids And we treat then like family because my kids have always been close to their teachers. It may not be big or expensive but it's given with love

Ragwort · 01/10/2016 10:20

Nowhere in my job description does it say I have to have affection for my students, nor am I obliged to like them or go out of way for them. I do that because it's who I am.

You could say that about absolutely any job ............... I work in retail.....

Nowhere in my job description does it say I have to have affection for my customers, nor am I obliged to like them or go out of way for them. I do that because it's who I am.

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 01/10/2016 10:20

I don't doubt that teachers buy extras for their children out of their salaries but so do loads of people - I earn far less than a teacher but I frequently buy treats etc for my team

But that is not the same as buying them things because they regularly can't afford them, to try to make their lives that little bit better. For a young child, gestures like quietly buying them the uniform that isn't in holes, or washing their uniform for them, makes all the difference to their lives because they will no longer feel ashamed or be bullied. Buying your colleagues the odd bottle of win just doesn't equate.

I work in retail - no where in my job description does it say I have to remove pigeons from the shop floor, clear up excrement when a customer has an accident in store, deal with people who have alzheimers and don't know what they are buying/where they are but I do all that because I am a human being.

Do you do all those things several hours after you were supposed to finish work for the day?

pieceofpurplesky · 01/10/2016 10:24

I have worked in other jobs and not just teaching. I appreciate the difficult situations like an Alzheimer's patient in a shop but Comparing shooing a pigeon out of a shop to dealing with a pupil who turns up with grab marks on their arm, or the girl who keeps touching herself as she is hurting or the boy who is used as a drug runner for his dad .....
every job has its extras but none are quite like the ones dealt with in teaching ( I have worked in a shop, a pub, a tourist attraction, an office and a bank in my time but never ever had the opportunity to help, shape and support like I do in teaching).

Haggisfish · 01/10/2016 10:25

Thing is, if a retail assistant went out of their way for me, I do say thank you and will often write to shop to tell them. I say thank you an awful lot because lots of people go out of their way to be nice-why would I not do that for a teacher? Op do you say thank you and show appreciation to other people for 'just doing their job'? What job do you have? Don't you appreciate I ate it if someone says thank you?!

Ragwort · 01/10/2016 10:25

I promise this will be my last post on this subject (today )

Seems to me there are too many misery guts in the world - I don't think it's because I am a misery guts that I don't see the need to buy teacher presents - I give generously to charity, organise lots of community & fund raising events etc etc but I think, and others have said on this thread, that too many people feel a social pressure into buying a gift, they are worried about what to choose and how much to spend, others have said (on this thred) that it is a 'faff' to buy gifts; a teacher could end up with around 20 'gifts' - many of which will end up in charity shops/raffles etc etc. It's all such a waste of time/energy/landfill. And it's giving in to yet another retail marketing ploy.

Bloody's suggestion about a charity collection or similar is a very good idea.

Notso · 01/10/2016 10:25

DudeWheresMyVulva I've got to know what unguents is a typo for!

OP there is no obligation so I don't see the issue.

Perfectlypurple · 01/10/2016 10:25

Presents for the teacher is a relatively new thing. It certainly never happened when I was at school. I don't think that they are on a public sector wage is a reason to give them something. I work in the public sector. Yes I could probably earn more in the private sector doing a similar role but there are benefits to public sector working, regular pay, pension, sick pay, decent annual leave etc. I don't get tips or presents for doing my job. I don't expect it. I will tip at restaurants etc but chances are they are on miminum wage, and if the service is good I tip a bit extra.

Osolea · 01/10/2016 10:25

This is a completely personal thing and in some cases, a token of appreciation is warranted, in some it really isn't. It's no different to tips of any kind in that respect, some waiting staff deserve a tip, some do the bare minimum of what they are paid to do so don't really deserve a tip.

As a TA, I find it quite sad to read that parents don't recognise when TAs or teachers have gone that extra mile. I dont mean I find it sad that they don't choose to give a gift, I'm just talking about recognition.

I absolutely love my job and the children I work with, and choose to do more than the bare minimum because I want to, or because there's something that needs doing and children's safety would be compromised or their school experience would be lesser if I didn't. I could walk out the door at 3.00 without a backward glance, as that's all I'm paid (like shit) for, but in reality, someone needs to be there to help or supervise KS1 and reception children get changed for clubs and then get to the place where they need to be safely while the teacher dismisses other children and makes herself available to talk to parents. I don't have to go in on evenings or afternoons off to help with plays, harvest festivals etc. I don't have to spend my own time preparing for lessons I'm expected to cover, or making resources and costumes, or doing any of the many little things that all add up to make a difference. But without the team of support staff in my school willing to do these things, children wouldn't get nearly as much as they do out of coming to school.

Please don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that I think I deserve gifts for doing this stuff, it's a choice and as with many things in life, you get out of it as much as you put in so I already have my 'reward'. It is very much appreciated when parents recognise and appreciate what we do for their children though, even with just a thank you card, and it's nice when parents teach their children to appreciate it too.

Posts like the OP are just miserable IMO, why would you want to put people off doing a nice thing?

Ragwort · 01/10/2016 10:27

Do you do all those things several hours after you were supposed to finish work for the day?

Actually I do - I am only paid (NMW) for seven hours a day but I regularly put in 10 hour days just because I am that sort of person - but I appreciate I am probably in the minority for that.

Positive last comment from me on this subject .

pieceofpurplesky · 01/10/2016 10:28

My son's school asked for £5 or £10 off a parent. This was then split between teacher, TA and the school canteen. Each got a voucher

Starlight234 · 01/10/2016 10:29

I don't but gifts from me that is why I don't do class collections ( we don't do them to be fair). I do gifts from my ds though...This is because the teachers are very important to him. We buy gifts to people who are important in our lives.

It doesn't have to be big my ds bought his teacher a bottle of her favourite bottle of pop last year.

I wrote a very long letter thanking my DS's teacher at the end of the year as she had really had such a huge impact on my DS's life for the better.

I don't think anyone has to .. But yes I would rather buy a gift for my ds's teacher who has/ is doing a good job than a taxi driver who has just drove me where I want to go.

leccybill · 01/10/2016 10:30

OP, you've mentioned expectation.
I don't know a single teacher who expects gifts.

What I do know is we have virtually no budget this year due to cuts. So any craft supplies, felt pens, glue sticks, post it notes, display backing, cream paper and overlays for dyslexic pupils, tissues, wipes and spare stationery and morning snacks for those kids who I know won't have had breakfast have come straight out of my own purse. I hope it makes their days at school a little bit more pleasant, because I care about them.

OhhBetty · 01/10/2016 10:33

I won't be able to anyway! As a single parent I can barely afford gifts for my family let alone teachers! But I don't think they care. I know a few teachers and have never heard any of them complain about not receiving a gift.

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