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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To notice a new brand of 'cool wives' on mumsnet

207 replies

Penhacked · 28/09/2016 19:54

They are not 'cool wives' in the original sense, I.e. because they let dh go drinking with leggy blondes on a school night and rock into bed hammered at 2am.... but they are so damn competent as mothers that they are fine for dh to go away for a week without notice leaving them with five under 5s, cook dinner every night while simultaneously batheing the children with a baby in a sling breastfeeding etc etc.
Is it just me that has noticed this new trend of 'I can manage it blindfold, stop complaining op and suck it up'??

OP posts:
aquawoman · 30/09/2016 14:17

With fish fingers? Nothing.

The problem is the sentiment that standards can go out of the window because the man isn't around, or because it's not possible to be on your own with kids, work full time AND have high standards.

WomanActually · 30/09/2016 14:42

No probs the comment was supposed to be referring to what WomanActually posted. It was a bit vague though I guess was busy being a cool wife helping with homework, putting kids to bed and cooking dinner on my own because DH is unexpectedly had to go away for work.

I didn't realise that was to me either, I'm sorry for not replying, I wasn't ignoring you hope I didn't come across that way.

I haven't gone back to read the OP again but OP wasn't having a pop at people who are happy to have their partners go away for weekends away etc, it's when they make comments in a similar vein to the end of my last post.

I can cope when dh works away, I also don't care if he went away on lads weekend. I am perfectly happy on my own if dh has to go away. There's nothing wrong with that. It's when people imply those who are not happy doing it are incompetent.

Say there's a thread where a woman was saying she's doesn't want to be left alone with the dc all weekend while her Dh goes on lads weekend, that she does everything during the week as he's at work and finds that hard enough.

I wouldn't go on and make comments like

"if you can't cope with your own children for two days you need to get a grip"
"you only have two dc? That's easy."
"He's been working hard all week, you've been at home, he deserves a break"
"Are you always so controlling?"

That's what OP is referring to.

It's one thing being ok with doing the majority if stuff, but it's a bit twatty when people make the OP feel like shit when she's having a different experience to them.

allegretto · 30/09/2016 14:44

I think it is possible to be on your own , work and have high standards - what I am saying is that it is easier! (Of course it depends on your husband and your standards!)

ItShouldOfBeenJess · 30/09/2016 14:46

I cook from scratch every single day

Erm.....that's great but you may be ever so slightly missing the point! (hands DS a Pot Noodle)

Realhousewivesofshit · 30/09/2016 14:48

Who cooks from scratch every day? Why just why?

ItShouldOfBeenJess · 30/09/2016 14:49

WomanActually. Yes, that's how I read it. Pointless and unhelpful posts designed to put the OP down and feel inferior.

You have to wonder why.

ItShouldOfBeenJess · 30/09/2016 14:50

What does 'from scratch' mean anyway? Genuinely curious (clearly never done it)

allegretto · 30/09/2016 14:53

For me "from scratch" means no ready meals - everything made from fresh ingredients. I make an exception for fish fingers and beans! Having sad that if I lived anywhere near Waitrose or a decent supermarket I wouldn't bother! Grin

rogueantimatter · 30/09/2016 14:55

Best I don't think women do have it easier than our ancestors. I know we have modern conveniences, but we're also expected to do far more - play with the children, far far more laundry, more running around to clubs, complicated homework, dressing-up days, other stuff to organise that the women in previous generations didn't have to contend with. Our lives are cluttered.

I take my hat off to the many extremely competent women who manage really well. I wasn't one of them - I was a mess when my DC were little. I'd have had more than two DC if I'd had more energy but I knew I wouldn't cope well.

But IMO it's a mark of how patriarchal our society is that we don't offer more support to the many women who aren't supermums. Looking after children is hugely undervalued IMO.

When my grandparent's had babies the women closest to the new mum would do everything except feed the baby for three weeks and weren't expected to entertain their immaculate children.

rogueantimatter · 30/09/2016 14:56

Oops - apostrophe fail.

kmc1111 · 30/09/2016 15:00

There's a pretty even split when it comes to posts about DH's having a night out, or working away for a week or whatever. About half the posts are from women who really aren't going to cope well for whatever reasons and need some support, and about half are from women who just enjoy whining about how hideously difficult their actually rather charmed lives are, and who need be told to get a grip.

Generally posters catch the tone and context of the OP and post appropriately, but that nature of communicating on the internet means sometimes posters kick people when they're down, and sometimes posters spend a great deal of time empathising and offering support to someone who's doing just fine but likes to act put upon.

rogueantimatter · 30/09/2016 15:00

We're also now supposed to be far more groomed than the women of most of the last thousand years. Because we're worth it, apparently. Well, screw that, women are worth so much more than feeling like they have to be seen to be 'cool wives', 'supermums' or whatever. Parenthood is fetishized now. What's wrong with being an adequate parent? Who gets to decide anyway? The messy, moany, mum might be a fantastic mum in other ways which aren't noticeable.

Realhousewivesofshit · 30/09/2016 15:00

Dh is away. My standards have slipped to the extent of having my second glass of wine in the garden. In my defence no kids today or driving just the dog and me. She's horrified Grin

rogueantimatter · 30/09/2016 15:02

Good for you. Why shouldn't you enjoy yourself? Life is short...

allthatnonsense · 30/09/2016 15:06

It's not cool or smug, it's just someone coping well with their lot.

I look after all my children (more than is usual) cook dinner from scratch, do homework, bed and bath all on my own. I also volunteer for a charity.

I don't feel smug or cool. I feel exhausted and lonely, but you'd never know unless I told you.

ClockBusCanada · 30/09/2016 15:10

I really want a fish finger sandwich now.

KatharinaRosalie · 30/09/2016 15:12

What does 'from scratch' mean anyway? - I remember one thread where there was competitive 'from scratching' that ended, iirc, that it's only from scratch bolognese if you plant and grow your own tomatoes first.

Realhousewivesofshit · 30/09/2016 15:12

rogue I so agree. How bloody shit must it be to have a 'perfect mum' who the hell will you blame for your adult failings? Grin

ItShouldOfBeenJess · 30/09/2016 15:13

clock. Mmm. On evil white bread. With a glass of wine.

Realhousewivesofshit · 30/09/2016 15:16

allthat hate to hear anyone describe themselves as lonely so have Flowers and a picture of my Wine as can't share in RL. Smile

OhhBetty · 30/09/2016 15:18

Laughing at CNW. Best abbreviation on MN!

aquawoman · 30/09/2016 15:32

I'm cooking from scratch tonight.

We're having cheese sandwiches.

WomanActually · 30/09/2016 15:35

What does 'from scratch' mean anyway? Genuinely curious (clearly never done it)

From scratch to me, is when everything is made from fresh ingredients.

So spagbol is made with actual tomatoes that have been peeled and reduced etc, and not by chucking a jar of dolmio in with the browned mince. (Like I do Blush)

ItShouldOfBeenJess · 30/09/2016 15:39

I'm not sure I like the term. It conjures up images of scrabbling about in the dust looking for beetles to fry. To me, anyway (I'm a tad strange)

If cheese sandwiches count, then I am definitely a CNW.

KarmaNoMore · 30/09/2016 15:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.