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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To notice a new brand of 'cool wives' on mumsnet

207 replies

Penhacked · 28/09/2016 19:54

They are not 'cool wives' in the original sense, I.e. because they let dh go drinking with leggy blondes on a school night and rock into bed hammered at 2am.... but they are so damn competent as mothers that they are fine for dh to go away for a week without notice leaving them with five under 5s, cook dinner every night while simultaneously batheing the children with a baby in a sling breastfeeding etc etc.
Is it just me that has noticed this new trend of 'I can manage it blindfold, stop complaining op and suck it up'??

OP posts:
ALemonyPea · 28/09/2016 20:54

They've been around since I joined 8 years ago. They start off on the packed lunch threads where they claim to send their DC to school with carrots and hummus, flapjack (homemade) and weak squash. Then they progress onto a few style and beauty threads before hitting the big boys on AIBU.

FullTimeYummy · 28/09/2016 20:56

I probably qualify for this "cool wife" tag. I love how MN needs a special term for me

It almost as if all women have to be uptight drama-queens, and simply cannot be allowed to cope with a perfectly normal and balanced life and anybody else is the exception that needs a sneering tag.

Smile
Artandco · 28/09/2016 20:56

I don't think it's 'cool wife' either. It's being a parent and not having to literally rely on your husband every day. Here Dh gets told he is ' amazing', as has our children several days alone and travels the world alone with them. It's not amazing, he's being their dad and my partner, he's doing the same I do with them.

expatinscotland · 28/09/2016 20:56

YANBU

TotallyOuting · 28/09/2016 20:57

Do you think that because you can take things in your stride it gives you the right to tell women who are struggling to suck it up and get on with it?

Because that's what the OP is talking about.

I dare say arethereany knows that, since she's one of the people doing it most vehemently on that thread.

Wayfarersonbaby · 28/09/2016 20:57

Theoretician do I remember rightly that you live in Cambridge? That woman you describe sounds not admirable but bloody stupid. One mistake by her, or a car which passes too close or can't see the trailer when turning, and it would be four children dead or seriously injured. No matter what people claim, it just isn't safe to cycle in a sling and those trailer arrangements are a fatal accident waiting to happen. I would never put my child anywhere near them, not with the level of cycling injuries that I have seen happen myself. Sad

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 28/09/2016 20:58

lemony. Flapjacks have carbs and sugar, and squash is the devil's own handiwork. Bad Moms.

Original poster
Penhacked · 28/09/2016 20:58

I just find it so dishonest, because yes, I probably project an image of togetherness in public, I'm always dressed well, the kids are clean and always happy outside, baby in sling smiling etc etc. But I know my reality is a lot harder. And for women who actually are on their own and know how difficult it is at times, to turn round and say it's easy to someone who has said they are struggling is just really bloody nasty. If you can't offer support, you are actually kicking someone when they're down. Do they think their 'reality check' will make the op feel better or change their mindset, or make them think they are an even shittier parent than they already thought?

OP posts:
NavyandWhite · 28/09/2016 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

witsender · 28/09/2016 20:59

Sometimes it helps to be given perspective, and be told that you can, and will cope.

Dh went back to work when our second was 4 days old, and dd was 21 months. No family nearby, I had a 3rd deg tear to recover from and massive blood loss, he had a 2 hr commute each way. Did we cope? Yes. Was it enjoyable? Fuck no. It was a dark time and we would do whatever necessary to avoid it in the future. But we (generic) are resilient, cope we will. Perfectly reasonable to want to lessen the shitness though.

Dh gets so much praise for taking the kids out for the day, taking them camping etc...it's just called being a parent in our book!

paddypants13 · 28/09/2016 21:01

I haven't noticed it op. My friend recently posted on FB that she was feeling proud because she got her two young children to bed on her own two nights in a row.

My dh works 12 hour shifts, if he's on days he leaves before they wake and returns after they've gone to bed. On nights he leaves before bedtime and goes to sleep when they wake. So I do pretty much every day, all day on my own, I certainly don't think less of my friend for being proud of herself.

eightbluebirds · 28/09/2016 21:02

I see it OP. I don't assume all women who live this lifestyle have the same attitude towards it but there certainly seems to be a lot of "if I can do it so can you", people with husbands who act like single men and their wives with a smile on their face because they're "cool" with it. They're not their husbands mothers, no, they wouldn't want to be controlling or demanding or have the balls to tell their husband they actually would appreciate them around the home more because they're cool and if they can do it, it doesn't matter if another woman feels like they're in the gutter, they should do it too.

TotallyOuting · 28/09/2016 21:07

NavyandWhite

Just going to attempt to misrepresent the thread in question to counter the OP and then pretend it never happened when called out, then? Hmm

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 28/09/2016 21:07

I find posters on MN tend to just be quite extreme. So either extremely "yes, DH goes away for a month at a time and I manage with my arm tied behind my back" or "a parent should never go out socially unless the other parent can go too".

In reality, the vast majority of people sit somewhere between the two extremes. Just not on MN.

NoFuchsGiven · 28/09/2016 21:08

The cool wives thing is simply another way for women to be vicious to each other

Absolutely!

I have seen so many instances on MN of Women being classed as 'cool wives* in nothing but a derogatory insulting way.

PetyrBaelish · 28/09/2016 21:09

I don't get why so many people aren't getting the OP's point.

Yeah, I was like that, my DP worked away a lot and was very hands off when he was at home and I had a newborn and then I was a childminder with a sack full of toddlers. Now I am a teacher with a stampede of seven year olds.

But if someone was upset because they couldn't cope and their crucial support was going away, it wouldn't be appropriate or at all useful for me to post on their thread about how easy I found it in comparison.

Don't jump to the defensive so easily, this isn't a dig at anyone just because they are coping.

HyacinthFuckit · 28/09/2016 21:10

I think some people are missing the point. The 'cool wife' stuff isn't doing your own thing, doing whatever childcare and house stuff you want/choose to do without the input of a partner. It's being a dick to other women when they don't or can't. If you do Part A and not Part B then congratulations, you aren't a cool wife.

Wouldn't have said there was any more about now than before, though.

QueenLizIII · 28/09/2016 21:12

Actually coming on here put me off for marriage for life.

There are so many man children on here that dont do a thing

FullTimeYummy · 28/09/2016 21:12

I feel like i'm missing out a bit here really.

I need to find somebody who finds parenting less of a struggle than I do, make up a snide tag for them and then bitch about them and their kind to my friends on the internet, who I will also despise as i'm a bitter cunt

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 28/09/2016 21:13

Ah the weekly 'let's slag off MN' thread

Some people are more capable than others - some struggle to cope, some don't.

NavyandWhite · 28/09/2016 21:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Penhacked · 28/09/2016 21:14

It's not a taat btw. It's a thread about several threads over the last weeks. I love that so many women feel competent and able to do all this stuff. But I just wish people would show empathy and not barge into threads to boast about how competent they are and that they 'don't get' why OP needs a dh at all, blah blah blah. Mumsnet is first and foremost an advice site for mums. I just can't believe that the advice of more than a small minority of mums can be so unempathetic.

OP posts:
SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 28/09/2016 21:16

Hang around a bit longer FullTime. You'll come across plenty of threads where that sort of thing happens.

Libitina · 28/09/2016 21:16

My DH is in the armed forces so there have been plenty of times I've had to just suck it up and get on with it. Especially as we've always been miles away from family who could help.

Even with family around there are plenty of single parents out there who also just have to crack on as best they can.

MycatsaPirate · 28/09/2016 21:17

I would never, ever be smug to someone who is struggling. I would try and offer actual practical support or advice rather than something stupid like 'have a spa day ' or get a cleaner.

But yes, when I see someone posting about their DH going on a stag weekend or having to work away for a week and the op is moaning about having to look after the kids herself and that's she's not going to cope, I do wonder how she copes on a day to day basis if he's normally at work and why on earth they went on to have more dc if she can't cope on her own at all.

There are women coping on their own with multiple dc who may be grieving for a dead father or a father who walked out and has never been back, who may be living in a refuge, who may have MH issues or PND. And I have huge sympathy for those women and huge admiration. But someone moaning because their dh is going away for 2 nights and they can't cope with the bedtime routine and how it's so selfish for him to go off and leave her .. well that generally just makes me grind my teeth.