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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To notice a new brand of 'cool wives' on mumsnet

207 replies

Penhacked · 28/09/2016 19:54

They are not 'cool wives' in the original sense, I.e. because they let dh go drinking with leggy blondes on a school night and rock into bed hammered at 2am.... but they are so damn competent as mothers that they are fine for dh to go away for a week without notice leaving them with five under 5s, cook dinner every night while simultaneously batheing the children with a baby in a sling breastfeeding etc etc.
Is it just me that has noticed this new trend of 'I can manage it blindfold, stop complaining op and suck it up'??

OP posts:

thecatsclinkers · 29/09/2016 19:41

I struggle every day with being a parent, I am not a natural mother.

However I happily encourage DH to travel without me, I travel without him too and leave DD, and I also really like sex and giving blow jobs. This once led to a very vitriolic attack from a poster on MN who called me a cool wife as an insult when I revealed these facts. I had never heard the term before and was baffled.

NavyandWhite · 29/09/2016 19:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thecatsclinkers · 29/09/2016 19:59

navyandwhite yes it was pretty rough to say the least. To the extent that I reported it to mumsnet and they asked me if I had any previous 'bad blood' with the poster...I had never once encountered them in my life. All I could assume was that they had a lot of issues with their own lives to be so vicious....

MistressMerryWeather · 29/09/2016 20:29

Great post, WomanActually.

Notso · 29/09/2016 20:46

OP refers to Mothers who are fine with their DH's going away for a week leaving them with the kids or who can cook dinner every night and bath the kids while breastfeeding the baby.

thecatsclinkers · 29/09/2016 20:51

notso my DH has just been away for ten days 'leaving me' with DD. Perfectly OK.

He's also away on holiday for three weeks in November, when I will also be in sole charge of DD. Again I've actively supported this. By the same token I've had two child free holidays this year and a long weekend alone.

So that makes me a cool wife according to you and the OP. Why?

ItShouldHaveBeenJess · 29/09/2016 20:56

Is a single mother a 'cool non-wife'? . I may start introducing myself as this from now on.

Mrsfrumble · 29/09/2016 20:59

Only if you were mentioning it just to make another poster feel inadequate catsclinkers.

It's not the "coping" that bothers the OP, it's the belittling posters who are struggling because of THEIR OWN circumstances and / or who feel that THEIR partner should be doing more.

Mrsfrumble · 29/09/2016 21:08

Despite DH's long working hours, his other commitments outside of work, a lack of any outside help and my fairly stoical outlook, I don't consider myself a "cool wife" under the OP's terms because I don't use MY circumstances as a standard by which to judge everyone else.

butterfliesandzebras · 29/09/2016 21:13

So that makes me a cool wife according to you and the OP. Why?

No it doesn't. Read the op again. If you were insisting that other women 'should' be OK no matter the circumstances with their husbands going away, because you are fine with it, then you would be doing what the op talks about.

There's nothing wrong with you being fine that your husband goes away.

But just because you are fine, it doesn't mean there's something wrong with other people not being fine with it (for example, if their husband never lets them get away from the kids, but constantly wants holidays for himself).

Notso · 29/09/2016 22:04

thecatsclinkers have you read all my posts? I am disagreeing with the whole cool wife thing.

thecatsclinkers · 30/09/2016 11:46

notso yes I have read them and I got that you weren't ok with it....but then you said OP refers to Mothers who are fine with their DH's going away for a week leaving them which confused me....as I am that mother! To be fair I am easily confused these days as so sleep deprived so apologies if I've understood that last comment wrongly.

DinosaursRoar · 30/09/2016 12:16

I think the "of course you can just get on with it" responses are because when someone is whinging about how impossible it would be to live a lifestyle that actually is still a bit easier than the one you have and cope fine, then it does tend to get your back up.

It's a bit like the threads when the changes to Child Benefit came in with posters complaining how on earth they could cope - when they obviously still had much larger family incomes than many others on here. It's threads like "to think we can't cope cope if I don't go back to work as after all the bills and food is bought we'll only have £1k a month left over!" - tends to piss off posters who have £1k before bills...

So the "I can't possibly cope with 2 DCs on my own for 2 days" or "DH should realise that I can't be expected to do bath and bedtime on my own once a week" does tend to get a similar "Oh FFS" response from posters who've had to do every day/night on their own and would love to just once have someone give them a break.

While there is an element with some posters of being the 'cool wife' that's ok with stuff in order to look cool and not be a nag, there's far more of those posters who just pissed off at someone whinging about not being possibly able to cope with a life that's just so much easier than theirs.

(and I didn't post on the thread that inspired this, mainly because while people were saying "yes, he should start dinner while you're breast feeding and settling the baby down" I wanted to ask "why can't you start dinner while he's doing bathtime and ask him to just take over finishing off dinner while you're settling the baby?" )

Notso · 30/09/2016 12:45

thecatsclinkers No probs the comment was supposed to be referring to what WomanActually posted. It was a bit vague though I guess was busy being a cool wife helping with homework, putting kids to bed and cooking dinner on my own because DH is unexpectedly had to go away for work.

Mrsfrumble · 30/09/2016 13:08

I do understand that DinosaursRoar. My personal MN "trigger" is posters whose parents / inlaws provide lots of free childcare but who still find reason to complain about it. But I try and steer clear of those threads because in reality my posting about how I'd love my parents to help out - but my dad having dementia and my mum being his carer means they can't - is probably not going to help resolve their issue or make them realize how lucky they are. And while their lives may appear "so much easier than mine" there are bound to be other aspects which are more challenging for them because no one's circumstances are exactly the same.

A few others have touched upon the risk that "competitive coping" can lead to a race to the bottom for women "doing it all" while their partners are let off the hook.

ItShouldOfBeenJess · 30/09/2016 13:37

MrsFrumble. I admire your restraint and self-awareness. If only it were a little more common on MN!

OhhBetty · 30/09/2016 13:42

ItShouldOfBeenJess cool non-wife is brilliant. I'm also a single parent and may steal this term

Notso · 30/09/2016 13:43

Again though in a lot of these threads the poster is asking if they are being unreasonable. Is it now unreasonable to say they are if you think they are?

allegretto · 30/09/2016 13:52

My dh is away this week and I am looking after 3 kids and working. Actually in a lot of ways it IS easier without dh as we are watching loads of tv and dinner standards have slipped considerably (mainly eating fish fingers, beans on toast, boiled eggs and other things he doesn't appreciate Also I can be in bed at 9 with Netflix and don't have to make interesting conversation. Not sure this makes me a cool mum though.

ItShouldOfBeenJess · 30/09/2016 13:55

betty. We'll have to try and sneak it in as a new MM abbreviation.

'Hi, all, I'm a CNW and need some advice...'

aquawoman · 30/09/2016 13:58

Another CNW here.

It's amazing how us CNW manage to do everything a CW does and more! Go us!

aquawoman · 30/09/2016 14:00

Actually in a lot of ways it IS easier without dh as we are watching loads of tv and dinner standards have slipped considerably (mainly eating fish fingers, beans on toast, boiled eggs

see, this sits a bit funny with me.

I'm a CNW ;) and my kids have home cooked food and my house is clean and tidy.

It irks me when I see posters saying "oh if your DH is away just throw beans at the kids and let them watch as much TV as they want"

Well fuck that, my kids don't eat convenience food and watch the box just because I'm a CNW and work FT. I have standards too you know!!

allegretto · 30/09/2016 14:09

Well I don't think a few fish fingers is going to harm them. I cook from scratch every single day when dh is around - yes, I have standards too. TV is easier because there are fewer people to argue over the channel. And what the hell is a CNW?

aquawoman · 30/09/2016 14:12

A cool non wife. We do all the things that cool wives do, except on our own.

Have you RTFT?

I love fishfingers, btw.

allegretto · 30/09/2016 14:14

So what's the problem with them?

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