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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

I don't think I should cook every night

763 replies

LurkyLurkerMcLurkface · 28/09/2016 17:10

I'm on maternity leave at the moment with 8 month DS. DH works full time and is out of the house 8am-6pm. Our evening routine is pretty set, he gets in and takes DS, I get food ready for DS. He'll then sit with DS while he eats. He then does books/bath and I do final feed and settle. I then come down and cook
Every. Fucking. Night
Last night I'd had enough and cooked for myself and left him to it. He's been sulking since.
AIBU to think this should be a shared job?

OP posts:

CalmItKermitt · 28/09/2016 18:24

If you've only got one DC then absolutely you should cook. It always amazes me the fuss some people make having a child to look after.

Stopyourhavering · 28/09/2016 18:27

What's wrong with preparing something during the day? I managed when I had 3 dcs at home( casseroles/ pasta bake/dishes that can be bunged in oven/ microwave....cooking is prob the last thing your dh feels like when he gets in...he can do his share at weekend..
More importantly what are you going to do when you go back to work? You need to both get your act together now so resentment doesn't continue to build

NapQueen · 28/09/2016 18:28

Can you give ds tea before dh comes home? Then as soon as dh comes in the door at 6 he can choose to either make the evening meal or do the bath and bedtime routine?

Original poster

LurkyLurkerMcLurkface · 28/09/2016 18:29

Hmm.
Thankyou for all the replies. I disagree with the idea that because I'm on maternity leave I should do all the cooking (and all the domestic work but that's another thread)
I will get him to do food 2 nights a week at least.

OP posts:

purplefox · 28/09/2016 18:29

You could have discussed it instead of leaving him without any dinner fairly late in the evening.

AndNowItsSeven · 28/09/2016 18:30

How is it rubbish Bunty I have 7 dc, at one point I had

CatNip2 · 28/09/2016 18:31

I work from home so am busy during the day, at lunchtime (maybe when baby is asleep) I threw casserole beef, bacon, an onion and a stock cube and water in the oven on low. Left it there all day. At 5:45 I mixed some. Flour and veg suet and made some pastry and stuck it on the top. I have now spent ten seconds putting veg on to steam, DH will be home in ten minutes.

I do have some sympathy, I was a wreck when my kids were small, but with a bit of careful planning and organisation it is very simple to get food out.

Ps I had a shit baby first time who never slept at all ever and couldn't be put down, I put him in a baby walker or bouncy chair to chop my onion.

I am sure you can find 20 mins in a day to prep something. I actually think YAB a tiny bit U.

AliceInHinterland · 28/09/2016 18:32

I have not built up a career, saved towards maternity leave, and probably sacrificed that career just so that I can clean and cook. If I get a chance in the day, I do it, if not then I figure we'll have to make it work when I go back to the office so why not now.
I would not be happy for a childcare setting to leave my child screaming so why would I do it unless I literally had no choice?

CatNip2 · 28/09/2016 18:33

Oh and I only had five months maternity so at eight months I was back working full time too.

cheekyfunkymonkey · 28/09/2016 18:33

Sorry but I think you are BU, he is out all day and helps when he gets home. If you don't want to cook every night batch cook once a week and freeze it. He can help with that at weekend if it's about turns but I would be annoyed if everyone else in the house got fed bar me if I had just got in.

AndNowItsSeven · 28/09/2016 18:33

Posted too soon - At one point I had five aged three and under , ages 2 months, 14 months X 2 , 2 years and three years and I still cooked dinner.

expatinscotland · 28/09/2016 18:36

Jesus wept! Like the 1950s in here. It's Mat Leave not Wifey Leave. DH was SAHD for 4 years. I'd never have expected him to dish me up a cooked meal every fucking night like my cook just because I 'worked hard'. I was hardly toiling in the mines. We're a team financially, at home, parenting, etc.

arethereanyleftatall · 28/09/2016 18:37

In your shoes, I would feed the baby earlier. Get his dinner out of the way before dh comes home.
Then all hands on deck, a mish mash of who cooks, who puts baby to bed.
I remember when dh got home i would gladly hand the baby over, and enjoy an hours peace in the kitchen getting dinner ready and cleaning up to music.

UsernameHistory · 28/09/2016 18:38

I had a shit baby first time

I'm so please someone else describes their child as a 'shit baby'!

Thankyou for all the replies. I disagree with the idea that because I'm on maternity leave I should do all the cooking

Ah, you're one of the 'thanks but no thanks' posters!

Maternity leave isn't a holiday but it's you who has more time to prepare dinner.

gettingitwrongputingitright · 28/09/2016 18:39

I think its not fair to expect Dh too cook when he has been at work all day. Perhaps he could cook at the weekend?

madein1995 · 28/09/2016 18:39

Yeah I agree you should be cooking or at least sorting food out - even if sorting it out is opening a tin of beans. It's not a sexist 'women should cook' thing it's a worker thing - I think that families are teams not a group of individuals, so the least an adult who doesn't work can do, is ensure that the worker has a hot meal when they get home. I'd be saying exactly the same if you was working and DH was at home. But your DH should then do the washing up, and his share of bathing/giving baby bottle etc and should definitely help with night feeds - both of you wake, one of you cuddles baby while other goes down to make up bottle etc. You just preparing your own meal would have pissed me off though tbh. In most cases it's harder to only make a meal for 1 - unless said meal is beans on toast or similar in which case it takes minutes to make extra. It's not about you neccesarily having to wait to eat either - just put his in the still warm oven until he gets in. Sorry but I think it's a bit spiteful to cook your tea and not his, on account of him being out working. When you are both working, then you both share the chores - on account of there being no other option.

In my family though, the workers are looked after. My mum would get up with dad, d his breakfast and lunch, do his tea etc when he worked. Now dad is retired and mum worked, dad does this for her. So completely not sexist, just nice. I'm nt suggesting you do that iop. I am suggesting making a meal up for DH isnt the end of the world.

Keepingupwiththejonesys · 28/09/2016 18:41

Gonna get completely ripped down for my reply here but yeah, I do think yabu. I have a 3 and 1 year old (almost 4 and 2) and am almost 22 weeks pregnant. I cook every night bar one and that's when my husband gets a takeaway tea at the weekend which is either subway, pizza, KFC etc.

Both my kids have been clingy, now I can get away with putting them at the table with play dough, crayons, other crafty stuff while I cook, when younger I used to carry them in a sling/carrier if they where really kicking off (both over 9lb at birth so yes, was tiring ) I almost always make the evening meal in the afternoon then just re heat it later, there's hardly anything you can't do this with. The kids have tea between 4-4.30 and then after I bath them and get them in PJs. We used to all eat together but since dd1 started lre school shes hungry earlier. Then when hubby is home he keeps the kids occupied while I dish up our meal. We eat, have some family time and hubby reads the kids a story and then I take the eldest to bed (she's easiest and goes straight down now so I do her as I'll need the extra time when baby comes) and hubby sorts youngest (who still needs to be cuddled to sleep. If my husband was making a meal once he got home he'd have no time with the kids other than putting them to bed.

Believe me, I get the whole thing that being a sahm is hard and your job is being at home with DC . I'm a sahm and yeah, it is hard. But.....I get to spend all day with the kids while dh is at work, he'd love more time with them. I do all the cleaning, cooking etc but when dh is here he does plenty with the kids so its fine by me.

WhatamessIgotinto · 28/09/2016 18:43

Och DH and I had plenty of petty moments like this when DS was a baby, we all do. You need to have a frank discussion about who does what and what you expect from each other.

Original poster

LurkyLurkerMcLurkface · 28/09/2016 18:43

Username it would appear I am. However I'm grateful for the opinions.

madein it was toast

OP posts:

Chippednailvarnishing · 28/09/2016 18:44

You're not his personal chef, I wouldn't be cooking for him. If you carry on the way it is now, you can guarantee that he'll be expecting you to cook after you return to work.

heron98 · 28/09/2016 18:44

YABU. He is at work, you could prepare the meal in the day.

expatinscotland · 28/09/2016 18:45

'It's not a sexist 'women should cook' thing it's a worker thing - I think that families are teams not a group of individuals, so the least an adult who doesn't work can do, is ensure that the worker has a hot meal when they get home.'

How 'nice' is it to expect someone to completely take over a basic function that you are perfectly capable of doing, forever, just because you work outside the home? Big fucking deal! 90% of the world does and doesn't expect someone to have their arse wiped just because they do, or suddenly lose the ability to do so when a child is born. The ol' 'hot meal' shit belongs in the 1950s, people who work outside the home are still perfectly capable of domestic tasks.

I really hope you are going back to work, OP, because it sounds like your spouse equates Mat Leave with Housework Leave.

roseteapot101 · 28/09/2016 18:47

i tried to get my other half to cook but he cooks so badly i have to cook every night.But considering hes the main bread winner of this family and i am home most of the day it seems fair.

At weekends when hes off he does more house work.

why not cook for all the family at the same time before he comes home or cook something during little one nap time.Then heat it up later.I cook for all the family so we all eat together.Then my other half does the bedtime routine with our daughter thus giving me a break.

dementedpixie · 28/09/2016 18:47

I must be a really shit wife and sahm as dh comes in from work and cooks for both of us as he enjoys cooking and I don't. I cook for the kids earlier and dh/I eat later, sometimes at 9pm depending on whether dh has been at football/rugby training. I will prepare stuff in advance e.g. chop veg for fajitas, etc

I do the washing, ironing, cleaning, running the kids about, etc so I'm sure it all works out.

Lules · 28/09/2016 18:48

It's reading threads like these that makes me so happy that my DH considers toast to be an excellent dinner.

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