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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't think I should cook every night

763 replies

LurkyLurkerMcLurkface · 28/09/2016 17:10

I'm on maternity leave at the moment with 8 month DS. DH works full time and is out of the house 8am-6pm. Our evening routine is pretty set, he gets in and takes DS, I get food ready for DS. He'll then sit with DS while he eats. He then does books/bath and I do final feed and settle. I then come down and cook
Every. Fucking. Night
Last night I'd had enough and cooked for myself and left him to it. He's been sulking since.
AIBU to think this should be a shared job?

OP posts:
LunaWeaselton · 28/09/2016 17:56

Sorry OP.I imagine you must have waited for him to at least help before cooking for yourself .I had to talk to DH about helping out around the house too a few times before he did . We had lived in our flat for 5 months and he had never changed sheets or cleaned the toilet. Just talk to him? He might not have noticed that you need help.

Original poster
LurkyLurkerMcLurkface · 28/09/2016 17:57

sparkles stir fry, protein and veg, curry, stew (pressure cooker for those two so quick)
Pasta without cheese makes me miserable so I haven't been doing that
StVincent Thank you! Two nights a week sounds fair
Zuza yes, but he's a heavy 91st centile. He also loves grabbing hair

OP posts:
NataliaOsipova · 28/09/2016 17:57

Hmm. I think I would say if you have been at home all day, then you should cook. Wouldn't have occurred to me not to, to be honest, although this could well be because my husband is a terrible cook! I am a SAHM and I definitely think of this as one of "my" jobs not least because I don't fancy getting food poisoning.

SapphireStrange · 28/09/2016 17:59

saw him faffing on the computer and he asked me what the plan was for tea that I saw red

I would have seen red at this too!

You both need to sit down and have a sensible discussion about cooking: who does it when and how to manage it (batch cooking, timing etc).

Ignore the posters saying you should do it because you're at home. You're working too; you just happen not to be working outside the home.

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 28/09/2016 18:00

'if you have been at home all day, then you should cook.'

Why? The OP doesn't have time to cook during the day due to clingy baby so why at the end of both their working days should it fall to her?

Katarzyna79 · 28/09/2016 18:05

if you want him to take turns speak to him about it.

I hate the monotony of cooking, but to be fair my food doubles up and we eat it the next day, but i have 2-3 dishes for everyone to eat from.

If it didnt double up i'd still make something that was easily warmed up and tasted and looked just as good later on in the day i.e lasagne,a pie, a stew, a curry? A slow cooker or pressure cooker might be a good idea too.

i don't think i could cook on demand for every meal i'd go bonkers, i hate cooking as it is. Well i actually love cooking if i could do a recipe of my own just for the fun of it, rather than for catering for the whole family because food was required, anyone know what 0i mean

Chrisinthemorning · 28/09/2016 18:05

No you shouldn't have to so YANBU. Being at work is far easier than looking after a baby, I've done both, tell your DH I said so Smile
I got very into my slow cooker on Mat leave. DS v clingy at tea time but ok after breakfast in the morning so I would prep and stick it on low all day. I would also make double so some for freezer another night.
Chicken and chorizo, curry, lamb tagine, bolognese- all just need rice (micro sachet), couscous (boiling water) or pasta (boil) and they are a nice tasty meal, dairy free.
DH job was to do the side, portion out and freeze the second half and soak the slow cooker before dishwashing.

AndNowItsSeven · 28/09/2016 18:07

You should cook your dh is out at work all day and you have just one child that is not a newborn.

Sparklesilverglitter · 28/09/2016 18:08

being at work is far easier than looking after a baby umm that very much depends on the job

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 28/09/2016 18:08

Rubbish.

Eatthecake · 28/09/2016 18:11

being at work is far easier than looking after a baby I wondered how long before somebody said that. That completely depends on the job, come and do my job for the day and still say that

It's not a competition anyway really is it? It is about a couple sharing the responabillity of cooking regardless of if they are the SAHM or the working parent

WinterIsHereJon · 28/09/2016 18:12

Who does the washing up after dinner etc? I cook 95% of the time, DP does the washing up and packed lunches for next day etc. I consider this to be sharing the job. DP doesn't enjoy cooking and I don't enjoy cleaning so this works for us. Well the older your baby gets the easier it will hopefully be, both for finding meals you can all eat and baby amusing itself.

I do think it was very childish to prepare your own tea. Why not just explain you're tired, suggest a takeaway and then discuss which nights you'd like him to take over the cooking? Sounds like lack of communication is the biggest issue here.

allofadaze · 28/09/2016 18:12

Does it take you the whole of bath time to clear away after your DS's meal? I would probably try and start dinner during this time if possible and then when you swap after bath for settling DS, your DH can finish off whatever needs doing, that way you can sit down and eat when you've finished putting DS to bed? That's prob what I would try and do.

That said, I am a SAHM with one child in school and the other in preschool half a day 5 times a week so I definitely see cooking in the evening as my job. But it doesn't mean that some days I don't really hate having the responsibility and monotony of having to decide what to cook Every. Single.Day... So in that respect, I agree that perhaps you should speak to your DH about trying to mix it up a bit so you're not always stuck with one specific job.

Mummydummy · 28/09/2016 18:12

I always shared the cooking (though I did slightly more) - mostly I worked full time as well as my DH but also when on maternity leave. Just seems fair. (Though I wouldn't advocate making your own food and not their's - it doesn't take any extra effort making a meal for two - so thats just churlish IMO). Some days looking after little kids are more knackering than having coffee breaks and lunch breaks and meetings. Quite a few Dad's seem to just get home and sit down and wait. We always used to laugh at work about the Dad's with small kids who loitered at the photocopier to kill time - no need to get home for all that bath and bedtime hassle! And I regularly saw Dad's I knew get off the bus and pop in the pub for a pint rather than make it straight home. Don't be fooled about the exhaustion of work - it ain't every day....

BuntyFigglesworthSpiffington · 28/09/2016 18:13

My 'rubbish' was to AndNow. Obviously individual jobs and individual babies vary wildly in how difficult they are!

GreatPointIAgreeWithYouTotally · 28/09/2016 18:14

I think a few easy meals where you just bung in oven and micro some frozen veg could help. Or some deli style meals, nice baked Camembert, dried meat, pickles good bread. Are you sleeping at night? Sleep deprivation can make you do things like cook for yourself Grin

YelloDraw · 28/09/2016 18:14

When I read these threads I always think 'why don't people eat leftovers!'
Almost always cook 2x the amount so that we have food for the next evening.

EssentialHummus · 28/09/2016 18:15

In our house, I cook, DP does dishes. I double up on all meals - there is nothing that can't be warmed up the next day.

Assuming that you're happy with DH's standard of cooking, I'd have him cook on Sunday for Sunday and Monday (and, frankly, another portion to go in the freezer). Another night of the week, could he do something quick - frozen fish in foil parcel with veg, pre-prepped chicken, whatever. Then you do four days (2x 2 different meals).

There's also no shame in using easy cook stuff if it's a full-on time. Sainsbury's lasagne with a few toms/leaves on the side is great!

expatinscotland · 28/09/2016 18:16

Start as you mean to go on. You two need to have a serious discussion about division of labour. This is a job you are doing, not playing wifey. And all too often, what happens is the other partner expects the wifey role to continue even after the mother goes back to work. So you discuss and divide it out equally now before you go to back to work. And no, you shouldn't be cooking every night.

alltouchedout · 28/09/2016 18:17

Do people honestly think that maternity leave is code for housework leave? How depressing.

motherinferior · 28/09/2016 18:17

It would drive me round the bend to cook every night. And it would drive me further round the bend to live on 'simple food' like baked potatoes and salad (we are having baked potatoes tonight but that's because we idiotically over-ordered on potatoes - we had rice and dal and veg curry last night).

At the very least he should be doing some Interesting Food at the weekend, preferably Interesting Food that can be eaten later in the week.

mishmash1979 · 28/09/2016 18:21

Feed baby at 5 then put him in a rocker whilst u cook yours and hubbies dinner. It will soon become routine. 6 is way too late for a baby to b eating main meal. I found a motorised rocker invaluable when I had my 3rd and 4 th within 12m of each other and had homework to help eldest with and dinner x2 to cook by 6.30!

Original poster
LurkyLurkerMcLurkface · 28/09/2016 18:22

I consider work easier in many ways than maternity leave, and I have a stressful frontline NHS job.
Winter with much badgering from me we split the clearing up

OP posts:
Mummydummy · 28/09/2016 18:23

Agree with Expat and Alltouched.

You end up with retired men sitting in armchairs waiting for 3 meals a day to be dished up. Oh and all the washing, ironing and cleaning done. Housekeeper for life long after the kids have all left.

Goingtobeawesome · 28/09/2016 18:23

When we had our first DH would take the baby for a bath while I cooked our food. He hadn't seen the baby all day and I was ready for a break. Baby would eat at 5, then I'd breast feed the baby for bed at 7 and we'd eat soon after.