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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't think I should cook every night

763 replies

LurkyLurkerMcLurkface · 28/09/2016 17:10

I'm on maternity leave at the moment with 8 month DS. DH works full time and is out of the house 8am-6pm. Our evening routine is pretty set, he gets in and takes DS, I get food ready for DS. He'll then sit with DS while he eats. He then does books/bath and I do final feed and settle. I then come down and cook
Every. Fucking. Night
Last night I'd had enough and cooked for myself and left him to it. He's been sulking since.
AIBU to think this should be a shared job?

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnishing · 01/10/2016 11:51

I think MrsTerry had it right up thread, the OP needs to stick a broom up her arse so she can sweep as she goes.

littlemummyfoofoo · 01/10/2016 11:53

blind bear. good point. my hubby agrees ... it's about pitching in. ..
as for batch cooking the suggestion is good if both people are pitching in ..
so as an old argument it can still be resolved? in our worst times we did 10 stage self counselling. helped a lot and taught us to communicate in a more effective way. good luck i hope things get better and fairer xx

Marynary · 01/10/2016 12:43

This thread has been a real revelation to me. I had no idea how little some people have progressed since the 1950s and that many still essentially believe that once women have children, cooking and housework are their jobs rather than something that should be shared equally.
For me, maternity leave was for the benefit of my babies, not so I could do chores/cooking and basically make DH's life easier. Obviously if you have an easy baby and plenty of free time while on maternity leave, it would be reasonable to take on more of the household chores but not all people do have more time. Obviously OP could break her back to fit in cooking every day along with everything else but why should she? Her DH is home at six and as they don't eat until 8 he has plenty of time to do his share when it comes to cooking the evening meal.

Me2017 · 01/10/2016 12:48

Also as we both worked full time we would have our children's nanny (cheapest option if you have 3 children under 4) cook their meal; then we would each just grab what we wanted when we wanted so if one was out or one working late there was no big thing called week day evening meal that people were forced to submit to every night. It's hugely freeing if you give up on the idea of havnig these silly meal things.

JacquettaWoodville · 01/10/2016 12:52

"cheapest option if you have 3 children under 4"

Which the OP doesn't, but hey, why let the facts get in the way of a chance to indulge your sense of superiority?

Me2017 · 01/10/2016 12:56

Superiority? Certanily not. It is just that sometimes people assume having a nanny means you live in a manshio and have loads of money whereas the cost of 3 x full time nursery places is much more expensive than finding someone to come to your house and look after the children.

FruitCider · 01/10/2016 13:07

Move your child's tea time forward to give you more time to cook adult dinner? I would make it clear to dh that he needs to cook at weekends.

Chippednailvarnishing · 01/10/2016 13:10

Your childcare choices are irrelevant to this thread, the OP isn't complaining about cooking for her DS.

JacquettaWoodville · 01/10/2016 13:28

The op is on maternity leave with one clingy baby.

Nanny vs nursery costs for 3 children are utterly irrelevant.

And yep, sense of superiority. Persistent and unabated.

Madinche1sea · 01/10/2016 13:40

Marynary - I take your point, but do remember that we're a multicultural society and many of us may come from or be married to men brought up within different cultural norms. If has nothing to do with the 1950s!

Chippednailvarnishing · 01/10/2016 13:57

we're a multicultural society and many of us may come from or be married to men brought up within different cultural norms

But clearly this isn't the OP's cultural norm and casting men who come from other cultures as unable to contribute to the cooking is frankly insulting.

Marynary · 01/10/2016 13:58

Marynary - I take your point, but do remember that we're a multicultural society and many of us may come from or be married to men brought up within different cultural norms. If has nothing to do with the 1950s!

I didn't say it was anything to do with the 1950s. My point was that many attitudes seem very similar to the 1950s and that is quite disappointing as I would have thought we would have progressed beyond that.

Wheelerdeeler · 01/10/2016 13:59

Your ds is 8 months. Of course you can prepare dinner during the day a d eat as a family when he gets in.

Marynary · 01/10/2016 14:05

Your ds is 8 months. Of course you can prepare dinner during the day a d eat as a family when he gets in.

Still not getting the point! Yes, OP can prepare dinner but so can her DH! Why should she do it every single night!!!

Madinche1sea · 01/10/2016 14:07

Er no, what's insulting is the notion that all women who actually do think they should cook for their DHs are necessarily downtrodden or time-warped. I'm not suggesting that anyone is incapable of anything, but simply that their are different perspectives.

Marynary · 01/10/2016 14:18

Madinche1sea I haven't suggested anyone is downtrodden or living in a timewarp because they cook all the household meals or chores. I am saying that those who think other women e.g. OP should be doing all the cooking in their house are living in a time warp.

Chippednailvarnishing · 01/10/2016 14:21

Well said Mary.

Madinche1sea · 01/10/2016 14:23

Marynary - sure, point taken. It just seemed to me that this thread has moved well beyond its original purpose of offering advice to the OP! She probably gave up after the 50th mention of slow cookers or batch cooking.

Chippednailvarnishing · 01/10/2016 14:25

It also strikes me that the women on this thread who have sons and who's only advice involved slow cookers, batch cooking and stir fries might want to examine what will happen when their DS become someone's DH...

gandalf456 · 01/10/2016 14:30

I remember that stage and it's busy when they start weaning and become more mobile. It's sometimes worse with your first too.

Six isn't terribly late and I'm sure he mucked in pre baby. Even bunging a pizza in the oven would be something .

This is what I hate. Men turning into their fathers the moment they have kids and we let them

jwpetal · 01/10/2016 14:37

I have never done a separate meal for my husband. I always did one meal for myself/kids for 5 and my husband would warm up the food when he got home. My kids have never expected a different meal for themselves nor has my husband. We did have to make some changes such as no chilis but other than that we all eat the same. This also helped because as the kids got older they were going to bed a different times and I did not want to eat at 8 or 8.30 at night. I was tired. Batch cook, warm up and at weekends share the duties.

Marynary · 01/10/2016 15:21

Marynary - sure, point taken. It just seemed to me that this thread has moved well beyond its original purpose of offering advice to the OP! She probably gave up after the 50th mention of slow cookers or batch cooking

Oh, I think batch cooking and slow cookers must have been mentioned more than 50 times. It really is groundhog day!

motherinferior · 01/10/2016 17:09

I don't want to 'grab something' in the evening in any case. I want dinner. Most people want dinner. Not sandwiches or the like; something nice to eat. With veg or salad. Possibly a glass of wine alongside.

It is also the antithesis of feminism to bully post-parturitive women back into the workplace straight away. Which is why feminists have campaigned for paid maternity leave. Hard as I found my four months off, I was capable of sweet FA two weeks after giving birth and I am not particularly unusual in this.

euromorris · 01/10/2016 18:29

I was still recovering from a c-section and had a newborn glued to my boob. Returning to work after two weeks would've been a disaster for all involved! Lol

GDarling · 01/10/2016 18:51

I find it funny how because someone loves to look after her HH and DC's by looking after the house and cooking, she is put down, told that it's wrong ??
I love to cook and keep house, I'm home when my children get home, I'm around if they need me, know one comes home to a dark, empty cold house.
My reward.... Lots of laughter, no stress, my children have looked after/clean their own rooms since they started senior school, they all know how to cook, iron, light a fire in the hearth safely, they are happy to be left on their own whilst my DH go away for a break, which is once a month, I have a DH who spends time with the DC, it's truly lovely to see them chatting and teasing.
I have my friends over often, daytime or evening, I go to London with my friends also and I have always done so even when the DC's were babies, I needed the break.
With Twin girls and 2 others, I agree with ME2017, it is cheaper to have someone in yr home looking after the DC's, also if you want to go away or out, you have a babysitter ready and willing, at an extra cost of course!!
So don't put me down for doing something (successfully) I love to do.....!