I don't think I should cook every night

[LurkyLurkerMcLurkface]

I'm on maternity leave at the moment with 8 month DS. DH works full time and is out of the house 8am-6pm. Our evening routine is pretty set, he gets in and takes DS, I get food ready for DS. He'll then sit with DS while he eats. He then does books/bath and I do final feed and settle. I then come down and cook
Every. Fucking. Night
Last night I'd had enough and cooked for myself and left him to it. He's been sulking since.
AIBU to think this should be a shared job?

Oh blimey feel like a mug but I work 28 hrs per week and cook twice each night from scratch as kids hungry early and husband gets home at 8. I get how you might get fed up as when things are repetitive it just feels like drudge. Maybe get more ready meals and maybe I should do the same !

So no one here knows how your day pans out, or if you have other responsibilities as well as your baby. I cook and prepare my HH's (I use Handsome Husband as he thinks DH stands for Dick Head!) lunch and dinner but my HH works full time. He leaves at 7.30 and it home most days by 4/4.30. However, I get round not cooking every day- I'll tell you how in a second.

Planning food, cooking, shopping, cleaning, washing etc are tedious parts of being in a family and while one person is working the other tends to take on these roles. It's very easy for either party to become resentful. Each assuming they are do more than the other. Each feeling under appreciated.Often Mothers feeling they never sit down and that the men still maintain their hobbies and social meetings.
My advice is this. Explain you'd like a bit of free time in the evening and time together. ...suggest the following or something similar ..... Firstly, stop having dinner after dealing with your baby. The baby could eat at the same time as you both. If you are doing BLW this should be happening anyway - if not and are doing traditional finger food and puree then one should eat while the other feeds baby and then swap halfway through. Turn off TV or other distractions like phones etc etc and eat as a family and chat about your days. Presently, you are isolated from each other, not working as a team and this breeds ill feelings. If your husband has no idea what your day has been like and you don't know what's going on at work you both will move away from understanding and empathy. This will also mean you can take turns cleaning away dinner washing up etc, while the other does baby's B-time ....bath, boob, bottle, bed - or whatever you do. Next, think about why doing dinner is so annoying? Is it lack of planning? Are just cross with your husband about other things - is it the last straw of what he doesn't do. So I cook for two days and do BLW - so i get every other day off. My HH is happy as we get more time every other evening together. I plan3 or 4 meals a week ..normally saturdays we cook together or he does it:0)- so i don't have to think about it all the time, i often use a slow cooker, or cut up the veg the night before so things are easier. I think your main issue is not talking to each other without getting upset. You are both feeling tired, under appreciated and sounds like lacking in a bit of together family fun. Throw in repetitive boredom and domestic crap and it feels endless. You are both responsible but no one person can be blamed. Stop change what you are doing by talking and finding a solution. You are allowed a moan but may as well try and get a bit of fun going... learn to love the boring bits ..there's a lot of those in life!!

Great minds sage

Sorry but the families with two working parents like mine... who is it who comes round and does chores, cooks and cleans? Because I 'work hard' and am tired. And clearly can't be expected to cook.

Or is it only men who can't do a job and also cook?

Come and have GIN FOR TEA with me and 53rd, MrsTP. No cooking required!

That's what I was fishing for! 🍸🍸🍸🍸

This is like groundhog day.

Her 'job' is currently in the home, but is 24/7 yet he gets to have a break and unwind from his job. Heck, he even has little wifey to cook for his poor, weary soul.

How the fuck is that equal?!

Hubby will be staying home and being the SAHP when I return to work and I will be valuing that SO much! Child rearing and all household chores will still be a SHARED responsibility in the evenings and weekends. As it fucking should be!

Sorry but it's weird. Never ever seen a thread with such a high % supporting dh to drop the ball and dick around on his computer. It's genuinely baffling. Who are these people?

I think it depends on your attitudes to cooking.

If he expects you to cook and doesn't offer any help then I would be annoyed too.

My partner and I have an arrangement where one of us cooks and the other takes care of the baby. And TBH, cooking and being childless is a nice break so I welcome it most days !

Gdarling are you a male sexist pig in disguise or a housewife from the 1950s ffs 😂

"when you do cook you should really try to do most of the prep during the day"

Her baby is clingy and doesn't nap much.

Pasta, sauce, frozen veggies. DH can do these whilst she is settling and feeding baby. And probably have time to sit and faff afterwards, keeping it warm on a low heat. If baby goes down quickly, she can come down and help by opening the wine!

YANBU. I completely sympathise. A clingy baby with additional dietary needs is a total pain and exhausting. On my mat leave some days I barely had time to make a cup of tea, let alone chop an onion. I know some people don't get how that's possible. DH never expected me to make a 'proper meal' at night. He cooked a lot of omelettes that year.

adding to my previous- no job/chore is technically male or female. discussion needs to take place about sharing chors at each stage - for us the logical step is that i shop and cook at the moment. I can have dinner ready for us - so that our evening isn't wasted together ...at this moment. once I go back to work we will change the balance. my hubby does other chores around the house or i do. we take unofficial turn at looking after our lo while we do things. The vital thing is discussing things so all the work is distributed fairly during patches of the relationship and being flexible. ..if my hh is working late and can't physically be home and we'd planned to mow the lawn. we either replan a time or I crack on and do it.. . it's not rocket science... . while I was heavily pregnant, or hobby busy ...my hh does nearly everything. ..and j return the favour.... i feel people get a bit stuck and dont have a rolling chat about who can do what. ...depending on what each of us are doing. it's about being reasonable, and not being selfish, if your aim is to free up time to spend in a quality way then you both do things to move towards that aim. when we are both working and I'm in my busiest time of year hhas helps more. it's not perfect ..we have to often take stock and change who does what but half ghetto battle is being able to chat about it

"half the battle" who knows where ghetto came from!

What you're feeling is not unreasonable but what you did (assuming it was without warning) was. Sounds to me like it's not really about the cooking. You just want to communicate that you're bored with the monotony of the routine generally. When the children are young and you're at home IT IS boring and it feels like ground hog day EVERY DAY. It's easy to get stuck in a rut and become resentful. If you're anything like me you don't always articulate that effectively and you end up doing things to make a statement rather than just saying 'I'm bored and fed up and I need a change - are you cool with us changing things up a little bit?'
Cryptic signs and trying to give him clues is never going to achieve the desired effect. Just tell him how you feel and suggest you alternate on a few of the tasks that form part of the unbearable monotony.
Batch cooking at weekends sounds like a great idea too. Not just practically but also because it feels like a bit of team work which can be great for re-connecting.
One other thing that you need to consider is that on the days that your husband works, he has spent little or no time with the baby so it's important for both of them that they have maximum time together in the limited window available so they can get to know each other and bond. If he's off cooking and cleaning it's nice for you and gives you a break but it's not as important as quality time with the baby.
You two need to make sure you then have quality time together when the baby goes to bed - not in different rooms, on different sofas, or like zombies in front of the TV (well not every night!) that's your time to talk, offload and reconnect. Hopefully then you avoid situations getting to this stage again!

I don't know if this has been said already (haven't read all 1000 messages!) but I'd just like to add that it all comes down to respect. YANBU as you are both busy during the day. For him to come in and just expect you to cook for him, to me, suggests a lack of respect. Although we are meant to be living in a society of equality, I don't think we are quite there yet and women are still often expected to do the cooking and the cleaning. You need to sit down and discuss it. Maybe draw up a rota until you get the hang of your new system, should you agree on one.

I would never be in that position. I worked until i went into labour and was back in 2 weeks full time. That resolves these issues over feminism and equality at home very easily.

Also why do people fuss over food so much? We don't currently all eat together. that is absolutely wonderful. the teenagers cook for themselves. This big thing of a family meal everyone goes on about as being some kind of wonderful nirvana when in fact you might all be busy isn't necessary. Just get your own stuff.

However most of us like routines and don't like changes to them so allowing the pattern to develop was your mistake.

I 'fuss over food' because I like good food. I also like to see that my teenage daughters are well-fed (I don't think they would quite consume the amount of salad and veg I consider necessary left to themselves) and also I enjoy spending time with them in the evening. I'm not so bothered about 're-connecting' with their father - he's delightful in his own way but he's often late home in the week - but I do want to invest in my relationship with two people who'll have left home in the next decade anyway.

What I don't want to do is produce that nice food myself night after night.

I'm sorry OP I've only read half the thread, but I do think it's difficult situation and goodness I can relate to your frustration. I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to help about the household and that includes cooking. Really the ideal is to talk it thorough so you can come to a good solution.
With the yelling baby (normal, everything is a phase. Honestly people who suggest that there's something wrong with a baby wanting his mum can be firmly ignored ) can I urge you to have a look at www.slingpages.co.uk to find someone to help fit you guys with a comfortable sling or carrier so you can get at least one hand free again. At 8 months you can learn a back carry, although depending on what's available in your area it might be something you need to pay for professional help with.

To all the posters repeatedly telling the OP to chat to her husband about it whilst batch and slow cooking her way through life, she has already said yes I did tell him. This is not a new argument.

To the poster who said I had a "modern man". I don't. MY DH isn't unusual, we are both capable of household chores and cooking, so we both do them. If I wanted to spend my days serving another grown adult I would have gone for a career as a domestic a la Downton Abbey.

Penhacked I couldn't agree more, it's like invasion of the Stepford wives. Where is Xena when you need her?

Hi, I'v read this one with some interest. Putting a Bloke's oppinion to this, Why is it considered reasonable to expect a woman to cook every night on Mat leave? Having/looking after babies all day isn't easy. I try to cook during the week when I can, but, certainly do at weekends.

"I would never be in that position. I worked until i went into labour and was back in 2 weeks full time. That resolves these issues over feminism and equality at home very easily."

I would LOVE to know if you do this at work; instead of providing advice or comment relevant to a situation, you explain how you'd never have got yourself into that situation, add nothing useful at all and then look to be paid...

I'm guessing you don't, so why you've done it on here for, what, must be getting on for ten years now, the goddess only knows.

he could cook a couple of nights, maybe whilst you're doing the feed? But why don't you cook whilst he's doing the bath? Also if you don't bath him every day, your eh would be freer to cook.

"But why don't you cook whilst he's doing the bath? "

As stated, she is tidying up after her DS's tea.