To potentially make my brother miss seeing his dad for the last time

[Alittlebitloopy]

My father passed away last week, and although he lived 3/4 hours away from us we were a very close family.
My brother asked if I could arrange to get him down to see our dad before the actual funeral to say goodbye (he does not drive and is on a low income).
Although I decided not to see my dad before the funeral, as I believe it would be to upsetting to me, I understand how important it is to him.
So I've borrowed a car for next week to drive him down.

The issue is he lives an hour in the wrong direction, so to pick him up would add 2 hours on to an already 4 hour journey. With this in mind I asked him to meet me at my mothers. Which is a 40 minute bus journey from his house and on route(ish).

He got really uptight at my suggestion and told me he didn't like to take morning buses and there was no way he could make it to my mums. I told him okay and that if he didn't want to take a bus, if he could get someone to drop him off to my mothers the night before, I'm sure she wouldn't mind putting him up for the night, to which he replied that he couldn't sleep at my mums as it's too hot in her house

I feel like he's giving me no choice but to go and pick him up, and feel like telling him to be at my mums at 10. Or do not come. Which he may not. And then it's my fault he's missed out on seeing his dad.

Any suggestions ? What would you do?

Is this a separate journey from the funeral? If so, I definitely think you are entitled to put your foot down - it's not as if you're making him miss the funeral itself. If he wants you to drive for 6 hours purely for his benefit, he needs to be prepared to put in the minimal effort you're asking. If he categorically refuses, find a sudden emergency which means you can't take him.

Tell him that ot os too much as you are grieving too. End of.

Tell him that ot os too much as you are grieving too. End of.

Sorry for the double post. Something went wrong.

Think about how you'll feel about this in five years, ten, twenty. Which will you feel worse about? Going out of your way for someone who's being entitled, or knowing that your brother didn't get a chance to say goodbye to your father?

I don't like capitulating to the demanding, to the entitled, but once in a while, you cede a battle for the bigger good. He can make it up to you one day for being a git, but he can't see his father again.

That said, YANBU. And it's possible he's coming up with excuses not to go, be it due to grief, anxiety, or something else we're not qualified to diagnose in this thread. But I hope that you can help him make it. This chance will not come again for him..

Well, he's being unreasonable.

I think that if you can manage the drive then you should do it for all the reasons HeyOver laid out.

This isn't the time to be right when you have an opportunity to be kind.

How about a compromise. You pick him up, so that there is no comeback on you if he can't/won't make the effort to get there or to your mums, and your conscious is clear.

Then he has to make his own way home?

i will still end up going to pick him up

Why post then? Nearly everyone thinks he's being unreasonable but you'll go and get him anyway??

I'm sorry fr your loss.
I'ld also really recommend you don't do a long drive you are dreading. As a pp said you are much more likely to Hv an accident. It's not a question of being the bigger person. Please do consider that and also look after yourself.

Sorry for your loss.

You aren't stopping your brother from seeing his father- you have already gone above and beyond the call of duty by borrowing a car and offering to do a 4 hour drive that you didn't intend to do.

You are also grieving . A 6 hour drive would be exhausting even without your current stress, it really isn't fair to expect you to make an extra journey. And it isn't as though there is no way he can get to your mum's, he just doesn't fancy the bus.

All those saying that he is grieving, be the bigger person- you are also grieving. You are already doing a very big thing to help your brother.

This could be his chance to grow up.

I am able to do X or Y, I am not able to do Z. Which of the first two options would suit you best of do you just want to make your own way there. He's not a child, he's not disabled, his grief isn't more important than yours. Don't bend over backwards.

I'm sorry for your loss, OP.

You aren't being unreasonable in expecting him to make a bit of effort, and if he's not prepared to make any effort at all, at what is also a very stressful and sad time for you, then that's up to him. You have offered him quite considerable help, and it's not your responsibility if he isn't prepared to put in a little bit of effort so he can make use of that help.

It's up to you, OP, what you do, but if you do decide to stick with your original offer and not do a 6-hour drive, then please don't feel guilty at all, as it will not be your fault.

His grief does not trump yours. His inconvenience does not trump yours. I would say this was precisely the time to make a stand against such a lazy, entitled bully. He has no empathy for you, so why should you go out of your way for him?

Thanks for all your replies and kind wishes. I've probably changed my mind a 100 times today, I've read some comments and felt sympathetic for him and decided to go get him, then I've read others and feel justified in leaving him and am defiantly not getting him. I guess I'm still pretty undecided on whether this is a stand my ground moment and opinions seem divided

What would your mum wish?

Much as he is being crap, I suspect taking whatever option is necessary for the least aggro until the funeral is done is the way to go. Abandon him at the reception after and never give him a lift again.

Sorry for your loss op

Also, your brother is a selfish asshole