Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To potentially make my brother miss seeing his dad for the last time

142 replies

Alittlebitloopy · 28/09/2016 08:51

My father passed away last week, and although he lived 3/4 hours away from us we were a very close family.
My brother asked if I could arrange to get him down to see our dad before the actual funeral to say goodbye (he does not drive and is on a low income).
Although I decided not to see my dad before the funeral, as I believe it would be to upsetting to me, I understand how important it is to him.
So I've borrowed a car for next week to drive him down.

The issue is he lives an hour in the wrong direction, so to pick him up would add 2 hours on to an already 4 hour journey. With this in mind I asked him to meet me at my mothers. Which is a 40 minute bus journey from his house and on route(ish).

He got really uptight at my suggestion and told me he didn't like to take morning buses and there was no way he could make it to my mums. I told him okay and that if he didn't want to take a bus, if he could get someone to drop him off to my mothers the night before, I'm sure she wouldn't mind putting him up for the night, to which he replied that he couldn't sleep at my mums as it's too hot in her house Hmm

I feel like he's giving me no choice but to go and pick him up, and feel like telling him to be at my mums at 10. Or do not come. Which he may not. And then it's my fault he's missed out on seeing his dad.

Any suggestions ? What would you do?

OP posts:
2kids2dogsnosense · 28/09/2016 12:27

trafalgal
2kids2dogs surely if it was just one day renting a car made more sense ?

Yeas - we didn't bother with the insurance - he had to get transport somewhere else.

DiscoMike · 28/09/2016 12:27

He won't take a 40 minute bus ride? He's probably taken longer shits.

At this point I wouldn't care how devastated he is, he caused problems at your grandad's funeral and isn't it nice how he's managed to manipulate this situation to all be your fault too. These aren't the actions of someone who particularly cares about you - how you are grieving and might not want to drive for 6 hours.

If you weren't going to go to the funeral home - don't. Don't waste your time driving around for someone who can't be bothered. Save your energy for the funeral.

NoSquirrels · 28/09/2016 12:31

Has your mum spoken to him, OP? Could she advise? Or if he doesn't want to come to her house because it's "too hot" could he come and stay with you the night before?

I don't think you should just give in for harmony. You are doing him a big favour - you have paid for a hired car, you will drive him, you don't even want to see the body for yourself -- and so he needs to show he is willing to appreciate the favour. If he doesn't want to make the effort the night before, then you don't have to go.

I would go and pick him up for the funeral if needs be, but this is an optional journey HE wants to do and where the only one missing out if he doesn't go will be him.

NoSquirrels · 28/09/2016 12:32

And I am really sorry for your loss Flowers. Take care of yourself.

Blondeandinept · 28/09/2016 12:36

I'm confused.

A 40 minute bus ride usually equates to about 25 minutes in the car. Yes?
You say that this forty minute bus ride will take him to your mother's, which is en route.

If it's en route, then couldn't you make the diversion to his house? It would be a 50 minute round journey, as opposed to 2 extra hours.

2kids2dogsnosense · 28/09/2016 12:38

OP - Your brother is 24?

So he's young and I assume he's reasonably fit. There's no reason whatsoever , other than being an arse, that he can't meet you at your mother's.

You are going to be exhausted (physically and emotionally), you will be offering emotional support to your mother as well as lifts - you could end up having a serious accident if you have to drive this length of time, because your concentration will be all over the place. You and/or others could end up being hurt badly.

I hope that you don't allow yourself to be emotionally blackmailed into this.

FurryLittleTwerp · 28/09/2016 12:39

My issue is I know the right thing to do is to just go and get him

except it isn't the right thing to do - all that will happen is he will know that the tantrum over Graddad's funeral has been effective & be even less flexible in future

LRDtheFeministDragon · 28/09/2016 12:40

A 40 minute bus ride usually equates to about 25 minutes in the car. Yes?

Confused How do you figure that one, then?

Besides, I think she is saying that for her brother and for her, her mum's house is on the way - but for her to go to her brother, that'll take her out of her way in the other direction. So it must be a triangle, right?

GeorgeTheThird · 28/09/2016 12:41

I wouldn't do the extra if he won't make any effort himself. But then I'm not very nice.

WhitePhantom · 28/09/2016 12:49

Sorry for your loss.

Your brother is being an arse.

If he wants to be there he'll find a way. If he doesn't he'll find an excuse. So far all he seems to be doing is coming up with excuses.

Collecting him will only confirm that he's ok to continue having tantrums because everyone will continue running around after him.

dowhatnow · 28/09/2016 12:58

I'm sorry but now is the time to make a stand. He bad mouthed your parents and didn't even make the effort even when everything was facilitated for him. Everyone already knows what he is like. Either he wants to go or he doesn't.

But he knows you will pick him up so he can say and do what he likes. You wouldn't go at all if it wasn't for him. Drive the 4 hours. If he's not there go straight home again and dont worry about it. Either way you are not doing a dangerous 6 hour journey when you are tired and emotional.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 28/09/2016 13:01

Oh jeez, the age of you both, that's even more reason why I'd do it. Not least because I lost three close relatives in a year when I was that age - including my mum - and also around that age I was a useless adult.

In my twenties there were any number of reasons why I couldn't catch a bus, make a phone call, go to the doctor's, book a train ticket; you name it, I couldn't do it, at least not without a huge amount of soul searching and "woe is me" about it. Plus the grieving, god, I barely functioned! I must have been infuriating. A degree of it was anxiety, a degree was depression, a degree was just pig-headed youth and knowing someone would come and fix it for me if it was really important. God bless my loving family for not just letting me wallow in my own idiocy and occasionally full on running my life for me; I owe them a lot.

OP, you definitely should call your brother out on his behaviour at some point in the future. It sounds like you think he's generally a good guy; most likely he'll grow out of it, and undoubtedly you're both struggling right now in way you perhaps won't even recognise until many, many years down the line. But you clearly love him and I'm sure loves you too. Maybe try pushing him on it one more time, although I doubt he'll cave. You don't have to do it of course but I don't think you've too much to lose if you do, and perhaps one day in the future he'll be more than thankful that you did.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 28/09/2016 13:03

PS I'm totally projecting, obviously..

RaspberryIce · 28/09/2016 13:06

I was imagining you were older and he was barely out of his teens somehow.

JellyBelli · 28/09/2016 13:10

I would do it. It would give you the moral high ground and he'll have to look for some other way to cause problems.

pictish · 28/09/2016 13:13

"I feel he is being selfish and doesn't see my grief."
Yes he is, and no he doesn't.

Tell him after the event. I would.

Optimist3 · 28/09/2016 13:22

Have you pointed out to him that collecting him will turn a 4 hour journey into a 6 hour journey?

Just say 'if you want to say goodbye to dad, meet me at mums at 10. Using an early bus or sleeping over is only a small sacrifice to make. You can do it if you wanted to'

AyeAmarok · 28/09/2016 13:23

He's being an arse, and he's manipulating you.

I'd maintain that you'll pick him up from your mum's.

Sorry about your dad OP Flowers

Littleballerina · 28/09/2016 13:29

He is being selfish but this time I would do it.

MillionToOneChances · 28/09/2016 13:46

Going to fetch him isn't the right thing to do. He is a lazy entitled shit. He wants you to drive 6 hours (instead of zero hours because you weren't going to go, or 4 hours if he gets off his arse and takes a 40 minute bus ride) for this special trip for him, then presumably the same again for the funeral? Is that total, or each way? Either way, it's a hell of a lot to ask!

Only you can decide whether you're willing to start standing up for yourself now, but PLEASE, if you don't stand up for yourself over the funeral make that's the last time you ever pander to him.

diddl · 28/09/2016 13:52

I would have thought the fact that he cba to go to his GF's funeral even though arrangements were made for him (by the person who had just lost their parent!!) would be the reason why you don't collect him tbh.

Because even when it's handed to him on a plate it seems to be too much effort.

Wallywobbles · 28/09/2016 14:04

To be honest driving is not the best thing to do for you at all at the moment. This situation would be one where my insurance company would advice me against driving. All (nearly) the accidents I've had have been down to stress. And I've had a fair few.

seven201 · 28/09/2016 14:52

He is being selfish and walking over you. I do see your point that maybe now is not the time to not pick him up. Why do people need to be 'in charge' of getting a 24 year old anywhere?! That is bonkers. Of course giving him a lift to help get places is nice but he should be doing his bit by getting a bus for the first part etc. Has he been babied all his life and is just used to it? It sounds bonkers.

motherinferior · 28/09/2016 15:04

To be brutally frank - it's his choice. Your father has died and the rest of you are grieving. It's nobody's loss but his own. Please put yourself first.

Libitina · 28/09/2016 15:25

Bite your tongue and pick him up, but let him make his own way home?

I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.