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Original poster

To potentially make my brother miss seeing his dad for the last time

142 replies

Alittlebitloopy · 28/09/2016 08:51

My father passed away last week, and although he lived 3/4 hours away from us we were a very close family.
My brother asked if I could arrange to get him down to see our dad before the actual funeral to say goodbye (he does not drive and is on a low income).
Although I decided not to see my dad before the funeral, as I believe it would be to upsetting to me, I understand how important it is to him.
So I've borrowed a car for next week to drive him down.

The issue is he lives an hour in the wrong direction, so to pick him up would add 2 hours on to an already 4 hour journey. With this in mind I asked him to meet me at my mothers. Which is a 40 minute bus journey from his house and on route(ish).

He got really uptight at my suggestion and told me he didn't like to take morning buses and there was no way he could make it to my mums. I told him okay and that if he didn't want to take a bus, if he could get someone to drop him off to my mothers the night before, I'm sure she wouldn't mind putting him up for the night, to which he replied that he couldn't sleep at my mums as it's too hot in her house Hmm

I feel like he's giving me no choice but to go and pick him up, and feel like telling him to be at my mums at 10. Or do not come. Which he may not. And then it's my fault he's missed out on seeing his dad.

Any suggestions ? What would you do?

OP posts:
paxillin · 28/09/2016 11:08

Would it help you to have your brother there? Will it make the day easier for your mum?

If yes to either, do it for yourself or your mum.
If no to both, let him make his own way.

Take care of yourself, it's not like he's going to do it Flowers. And he will come when you can get him, not when he decides he is ready to be driven right now. If that means an overnight stay, then so be it.

GoMeGoYou · 28/09/2016 11:12

That's quite the drip feed.

Six hours is too long to drive. I'm a confident driver but I find after approx four hour I find it really tiring.

I wouldn't give him a lift and I'd make sure he knows that I won't. I'd be polite and helpful but very clear. The 'stand off' needs to be now not when you are at your Mums IYSWIM.

His reasons for not meeting you at your Mums are ridiculous.

If you are thinking of giving him a lift in case he badmouths you then I think you are being silly. That's no reason at all. I suspect that everyone in your family know the score.

Liiinoo · 28/09/2016 11:12

OP you are coming across as a very loving sister, but also a bit of a door mat. He seems to have manipulated you into being responsible for him and feeling guilty when you don't put his needs ahead of your own.

You are not 'in charge' of him. He is in charge of himself. If you and your mum continue to baby him and make arrangements and excuses for him, he wil never grow up.

If he really, truly wants to see your dad he will do what he needs to do. I am willing to bet that if there was something he really wanted to do he would get on a morning bus! If he is putting up barriers it is probably because (as a previous poster has said) because deep down he doesn't want to do it but doesn't want to admit to that for whatever reason.

Tell him straight, 'I have already gone to a lot of trouble for you. If you can't commit to meeting me at mums at 10am, tell me now so I can make other plans for that day.' And if you get to your mums and he isn't there text him saying 'sorry to have missed you' and go home.

I hope the funeral goes well - take care of yourself

And I am very sorry for

LagunaBubbles · 28/09/2016 11:16

I will still end up going to pick him up even if he doesn't turn up at my mums

Well thats that then.

senua · 28/09/2016 11:22

If you went all the way to his house to pick him up are you sure that he would actually be there? He doesn't want to do this and is finding excuses as to why it is everyone else's fault apart from his. I'll bet that when you turn up at his doorstep you will find that he has had to rush off to a friend in hospital or some such excuse.

diddl · 28/09/2016 11:24

That last post would make me more determinednot to do it.

What a nasty piece of work he sounds.

If you are all going to the funeral from your mum's for example it is up to him to get himself there.

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 28/09/2016 11:35

Tell the family what is happening - that way, if he badmouths you they know the real story already. Also tell them the truth about how he wasn't at your grandfather's funeral because he couldn't be bothered.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/09/2016 11:39

Definitely don't go and pick him up. Not after the way he treated your mum for your grandad's funeral - he was your mums dad, am I right? He really is expecting everyone to run around him. Stop and he will stop making unnecessary and inconsiderate requests. And if he slags you off so be it. You can hold your head up high even if he doesn't end up attending your dads funeral and legitimately say he couldn't be bothered to come and add this is the same as last month.

Why are you taking him if you don't want to see your dad again? There must be trains/buses even if the journey is long.

Sorry for your loss.

RaspberryIce · 28/09/2016 11:40

If you've got to take him to the funeral too i hope that doesn't mean you've got to do the 6 hour trip twice?

diddl · 28/09/2016 11:40

When he was "badmouthing" your mum & dad re your GD's funeral, don't you think that most people would have just thought he was a twat for not just getting himself there?

Not knowing the time & place would surely be the only reason for not being there?

SpareASquare · 28/09/2016 11:42

He is being unreasonable.

Despite that, I would do it. No question.
I am not afraid to stand my ground but this would not be the time

Secretmetalfan · 28/09/2016 11:48

If that was me, I would go without food, sell possessions etc to see my dad if I wanted to. Your brother is an entitled twat. Tell him you canny get a car to pick him up and like every other grown up he is going to have to sort it out himself. He is not 5

CodyKing · 28/09/2016 11:53

Can you approach it with additional help at home? That you will work with her to help her?

I would also approach school about the bus situation - if she leaves at 5 - does one journey then waits an hour - how long does it take her to actually get home? 6:30 7pm? That's time she could be revising at home in a quite area - far more beneficial

CodyKing · 28/09/2016 11:54

Sorry wrong thread! As you were

GingerbreadLatteToGo · 28/09/2016 11:57

How old is he?

Aeroflotgirl · 28/09/2016 12:00

He is being an entitled twat, you have taken the trouble to hire a car and to take him to see his dad for the last time to save him the train journey, and this is how he treats you. The least he could do if it really means so much to him, is to meet you at your mum's. If he doesn't than tough, he is an adult and should behave like one.

diddl · 28/09/2016 12:06

I think if you are not intending to see your dad before the funeral then it's fine to say no to collecting him.

He either gets to where you are or doesn't get taken.

So where you supposed to collect him for that, take him home & then collect him again for the funeral?

Drbint · 28/09/2016 12:06

Tell him that you have done everything you can, and that if he wants to see your dad one last time he'll get off his fucking arse and be at your mum's for pick-up or make his own way there.

As previous posters have said, this is not the time for tit for tat. Which is why your brother needs to shut the fuck up and act like an adult, rather than piling on the angst when you need it least.

Original poster
Alittlebitloopy · 28/09/2016 12:08

He's 2 years older then me, 24.
Our dad passing was a shock as he wasn't what I would class as older. And I know my brother loved him dearly.
My issue is I know the right thing to do is to just go and get him, this isn't the time for arguing. But I just really don't want to.
I feel he is being selfish and doesn't see my grief. He knows I will just pick him up and after the terrible couple months we've both had I just want him to help

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 28/09/2016 12:14

Given the totally relevant drip feed I'd be telling him he has to meet you part of the way and if he so much as hints it's your fault he's not there you'll .

GoMeGoYou · 28/09/2016 12:14

Sometimes you need to help yourself....

Arfarfanarf · 28/09/2016 12:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 28/09/2016 12:19

Tell him your mum is going to turn her heating off, it won't be too hot in her house, therefore no excuse for not going there.

RunnyRattata · 28/09/2016 12:25

Talk to him. Ask him why he's creating obstacles. Do it from a place of sympathy. Also talk to him about how you feel about having to drive for such a long time. Ask him what his compromise will be.

whattheseithakasmean · 28/09/2016 12:25

OP, you would not be making you brother miss seeing his father for the last time. If he cannot get a bus, it is his fault he missed seeing his father, you have borrowed a car to drive him there, I cannot see that you can be expected to do more.

I would calm'y repeat 'I cannot pick you up, do you wish to come to my house or to mums and we will drive from there.' If he says he cannot get to you/your mums, make very clear that is his choice, you were very happy to help him, but cannot pick him up.

Although that is easy for me to day. I drove my lazy entitled sister everywhere when dad died as she suddenly developed a mysterious sore eye that meant she couldn't drive...

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