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Original poster

To potentially make my brother miss seeing his dad for the last time

142 replies

Alittlebitloopy · 28/09/2016 08:51

My father passed away last week, and although he lived 3/4 hours away from us we were a very close family.
My brother asked if I could arrange to get him down to see our dad before the actual funeral to say goodbye (he does not drive and is on a low income).
Although I decided not to see my dad before the funeral, as I believe it would be to upsetting to me, I understand how important it is to him.
So I've borrowed a car for next week to drive him down.

The issue is he lives an hour in the wrong direction, so to pick him up would add 2 hours on to an already 4 hour journey. With this in mind I asked him to meet me at my mothers. Which is a 40 minute bus journey from his house and on route(ish).

He got really uptight at my suggestion and told me he didn't like to take morning buses and there was no way he could make it to my mums. I told him okay and that if he didn't want to take a bus, if he could get someone to drop him off to my mothers the night before, I'm sure she wouldn't mind putting him up for the night, to which he replied that he couldn't sleep at my mums as it's too hot in her house Hmm

I feel like he's giving me no choice but to go and pick him up, and feel like telling him to be at my mums at 10. Or do not come. Which he may not. And then it's my fault he's missed out on seeing his dad.

Any suggestions ? What would you do?

OP posts:
eatsleephockeyrepeat · 28/09/2016 09:47

Honestly? I'd go and get him, and I'm glad you've said you will either way. Of course you're already going out for your way to help him, but it's two extra ours driving. Yes, yes, it's the principle, but now is not the time to take the stand. It's two hours. I'd do it. Every time.

That's not to say you're not right to be mega pissed off with him, but you can be pissed off next week, and for the rest of your life if you like.

SarcasmMode · 28/09/2016 09:48

I can't drive and have 2 young children but if I wanted to see someone one last time I'd find a way. If my sister offered id be very grateful and would meet half way.

Unless he has SEN which I am guessing from your OP, he is just being a lazy shit.

Needmyowndesertisland · 28/09/2016 09:52

Look at it a different way. What time will you leave yours to pick up from your mums? How many hours driving there, and then how many on to see Dad?

Now what time would you leave to collect from his house? How many hours driving to his, and then how many on to see Dad?

I'm guessing for the second you'd have to leave, and consequently get up, very early, especially to balance the early morning traffic. Does he realise this? Are you prepared to do it if he refuses to go to your Mum's for you to pick him up?

Really sorry to hear of your loss, op. You're now between a rock and a hard place, and that's not fair Flowers

CocktailQueen · 28/09/2016 09:53

OP, I'm very sorry for your loss. Flowers

You said: I will still end up going to pick him up even if he doesn't turn up at my mums

Well, OP, he probably knows this, and is being a lazy twat.

But what's your relationship with him him generally? if he's usually like this then I wouldn't take him or pick him up. If he's usually lovely and considerate and you have a good relationship then I'd cut him some slack and assume he was grieving and take him. but then talk to him about it afterwards...

APlaceOnTheCouch · 28/09/2016 09:54

I'm sorry for your loss and I'm sorry this seems to have added stress Flowers
It's a difficult time for everyone.
If it was my brother, I'd go to collect him. I wouldn't think this was the right time to stand on principle or stand my ground. I also wouldn't want to add to your DM's stress by arranging the pick-up at her house, then waiting, then getting angry.
I had to travel on public transport to see my DF when he was dying. It was horrible. I was upset. People ignored me. As an experience it was unpleasant and not at all like travelling on public transport at any other time. I would much have preferred to have been in a car with a sibling.

RaspberryIce · 28/09/2016 09:56

I agree it's not a stand your ground moment, but just make sure you don't let him use you as a doormat for ever more.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 28/09/2016 09:56

Alittlebit I don't think this is a "stand your ground" moment, I think this is a moment to be kind to each other.

trafalgargal · 28/09/2016 09:57

That's a good point, could he be afraid of making a fool of himself on the bus by crying ?

diddl · 28/09/2016 09:57

"I'm just not sure if it's a stand my ground moment."

And you shouldn't have to because he should be compromising to also make it as easy as possible on you.

diddl · 28/09/2016 10:01

" I would much have preferred to have been in a car with a sibling."

And how much extra driving would you expect the sibling to do?

Sometimes we have to make train & plane journeys to get to a funeral.

So what if we cry?

LaContessaDiPlump · 28/09/2016 10:03

I must admit I'd probably do it. However, the next time I saw him I would probably make a gentle opening statement of 'I drove 6 hours the other day when I could have just driven for 4 (which is a long time in itself). I deliberately made my own day harder so that your day could be easier. Next time, I'd prefer it if you could meet me halfway (so to speak) and make a few concessions. I need to look after myself too.'

He'll probably get pissed off and storm out but, fuck it. It needs saying.

motherinferior · 28/09/2016 10:04

I traveled by train to see my dying mother, to come back from my dying mother (repeatedly), the day after she died and to go to her funeral. These were all quite long and complicated journeys. And all absolutely fine. I feel faintly sorry for the chap opposite me the day I was fielding calls about my mother's death the previous day but all quite workable-round.

Tell him you're leaving your mum's at 10.15 and that's it.

ample · 28/09/2016 10:13

Sorry for your loss Flowers.
Your brother should make the effort as it is his father he wants to see.
He knows you will cave. He knows this and as you say, so do you.
A 40 minute bus journey for him to meet you at your Mum's is not expecting too much.
It is not worth falling out for life but you are not responsible for your brother. Does he realise this...of course not. You wouldn't be making your brother miss anything if he decided not to go. You have given him a halfway solution. He needs to man up and do it.

Bountybarsyuk · 28/09/2016 10:15

I would stick with meeting at your mums as, weedy though it sounds, I couldn't drive six hours in a day. I find after about 4, my concentration goes quite poor. I wouldn't want to drive 2 additional hours or even more in rush hour traffic, before even setting off on the journey.

If you are more resilient about driving, it might be ok to pick him up this one time, but for me, it wouldn't work and I would just let him know what I could and couldn't manage.

LadyConstanceDeCoverlet · 28/09/2016 10:27

I know he wants to go, I will still end up going to pick him up even if he doesn't turn up at my mums, I just wanted a bit of help from his side

Just don't. This is what he's banking on. Tell him the one and only way he is going to get a lift from you is if he is at your mum's at 10, you 100% mean it, if he wants to go that much he would make the minimal effort involved. Point out that the fact that he "doesn't like" to take the bus in the morning and can't be bothered to open his bedroom window if he stays at your mother's is not a reason to make you drive an extra two hours. If he doesn't want to do it that way, he must make his own arrangements. Check with him the night before, if he is still saying that he won't be at your mum's tell him fine, you won't be giving him a lift and will see him at the funeral.

Make sure it's all confirmed in writing, so he can't go round bad-mouthing you.

RaspberryIce · 28/09/2016 10:33

6 hours is bloody ages to drive. It's the equivalent of driving from Cambridge to Glasgow or something.

pictish · 28/09/2016 10:35

Owing to the circumstances on this occasion, I'd play ball. After the dust has settled, I'd contact him and calmly state my opinion on how it played out and why I won't be doing it again.
Doesn't like to take morning buses? Jog the fuck on pal.

I dislike being manipulated intensely and could not let it go without letting him know that I was aware of it the whole time and that I wasn't best fucking pleased.

Original poster
Alittlebitloopy · 28/09/2016 10:36

My grandad passed last month as well, he was invited to the funeral, my mum made all the arrangements to get him down, even offering to pay for his train ticket but he didn't turn up, and bad mouthed both my mum and dad to the rest of the family, making out they were the reason he wasn't there.
I feel like the same will happen to me as I'm also in charge of getting him to the actual funeral as well

OP posts:
pictish · 28/09/2016 10:41

Well he sounds like a hapless, self-centred swine. I'm sure you love him and everything so it's hard, but honestly make this the last time you have any responsibility for his familial involvement.
Helping him is one thing, doing it all for him is another. He has gotten used to the latter to the point where he doesn't even care about it. As you say, he didn't turn up. He may have his own reasons or issues behind his behaviour but they are not your responsibility.

Helmetbymidnight · 28/09/2016 10:43

I wouldn't do it. (cow)

I'd say, I don't like two extra hours round-trip in a borrowed car to somewhere I was not planning to go anyway. Sorry. Perhaps you could scrounge a ride off some other mug?

LIZS · 28/09/2016 10:45

If he is a nt , fully functioning adult why is it any one else's responsibility to get him anywhere. If he needs a lift he should be the one making the running and compromising. I can't help thinking there is more to the situation. If he doesn't show at your mums and even if you went out if your way to pick him up would you realistically be able to commit to an appointment with the undertaker.

MrsderPunkt · 28/09/2016 10:45

It depends on whether he's being a lazy arse, or whether there are actual reasons for his behaviour. How old is he? Why isn't he responsible for his own life?

senua · 28/09/2016 11:00

That's a drip-feed and a half!Shock
I thought you said the family was very close?Confused

ABunchOfFuckingPidgeys · 28/09/2016 11:02

I had similar when my Dad died, I also chose not to see him after he died, I do not regret this choice as much as others tried to guilt me and wouldn't shut up about dad looked, I know I did the right thing for me.

I know how hard it can be to stand your ground when you're feeling vulnerable yourself, I've been in this situation and didn't stand my ground, I didn't have the emotional energy to deal with a family fall out on the same day of Dad's funeral. I did what was asked and resented every minute of it, I did stand my ground and ended up NC with Dad's wife and her family, but not one of them can throw anything back in my face because I did everything they asked, they can't blame me for not getting to see dad before funeral.

You know you're going to go get him, he knows you're going to go get him, I'd plan the best you can for the long journey,mod whatever you can to make it easier for you, some good audiobooks/podcasts etc, would staying at your mums the night before help you? do what you can to get yourself through the day the best you can and then deal with your brothers selfishness and entitlement when you're feeling stronger.

You shouldn't have to do this, but you know you're going to, so be kind to yourself and just try to get through it. I'm sorry for your loss Flowers

ample · 28/09/2016 11:03

..my mum made all the arrangements to get him down, even offering to pay for his train ticket but he didn't turn up, and bad mouthed both my mum and dad to the rest of the family, making out they were the reason he wasn't there

Please put a stop to this nonsense. If you drive all that way to collect him, you will be adding to future problems, not avoiding them!
Personally, I wouldn't give a continental rats ass what he says. You need to put your foot down - don't wait for another opportunity, my goodness he clearly has form. This is the time.

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