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AIBU?

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Original poster

To potentially make my brother miss seeing his dad for the last time

142 replies

Alittlebitloopy · 28/09/2016 08:51

My father passed away last week, and although he lived 3/4 hours away from us we were a very close family.
My brother asked if I could arrange to get him down to see our dad before the actual funeral to say goodbye (he does not drive and is on a low income).
Although I decided not to see my dad before the funeral, as I believe it would be to upsetting to me, I understand how important it is to him.
So I've borrowed a car for next week to drive him down.

The issue is he lives an hour in the wrong direction, so to pick him up would add 2 hours on to an already 4 hour journey. With this in mind I asked him to meet me at my mothers. Which is a 40 minute bus journey from his house and on route(ish).

He got really uptight at my suggestion and told me he didn't like to take morning buses and there was no way he could make it to my mums. I told him okay and that if he didn't want to take a bus, if he could get someone to drop him off to my mothers the night before, I'm sure she wouldn't mind putting him up for the night, to which he replied that he couldn't sleep at my mums as it's too hot in her house Hmm

I feel like he's giving me no choice but to go and pick him up, and feel like telling him to be at my mums at 10. Or do not come. Which he may not. And then it's my fault he's missed out on seeing his dad.

Any suggestions ? What would you do?

OP posts:
harderandharder2breathe · 28/09/2016 09:12

Yanbu

He's creating obstacles, you are offering solutions. If he chooses to only see the obstacles then it's his own fault he will miss out, not yours.

MoonStar07 · 28/09/2016 09:13

Do you think it's the grief? Is it normal for him to act this way? What if you explained how helpful it would be to him on the phone? Explain you're happy to take him to see dad but he needs to help you out. I think mention that actually you didn't want to see your father in the funeral home and that you really want him to see his father if that's his wish so you're really willing to help him out. Explain you're going through the same pain so can he help you too. So so sorry to hear about the loss of your dad. Wishing you well at this tough time

Mcchickenbb41 · 28/09/2016 09:14

Hi op firstly so sorry for the loss of your dad Flowers. I would say without doubt YANBU. That aside is your db normally this awkward ? If not I would agree with what pps have said. Grief can affect us so badly and in ways we never thought possible. And the last thing you all need right now is a falling out in the family trust me I know Iv been there. I would say to brother that it would really help you if the journey was made shorter

Original poster
Alittlebitloopy · 28/09/2016 09:14

Thanks for all the answers

I think he knows I will just pick him up and that's the reason he's doing this.
It's just we need to be there at a certain time, so want to keep travel times down as don't want to be late.
He doesn't have any issues that I know of and travels on his own a lot day to day. A good relationship with my mum so no issues there.
I know he wants to go, I will still end up going to pick him up even if he doesn't turn up at my mums, I just wanted a bit of help from his side

OP posts:
SaltyHair · 28/09/2016 09:16

Perhaps you could tell him he has to be at your mums at 10, that you can't do that extra drive.
Then, if it gets to the night before and you realise he is not going to make this happen, go and fetch him - save him from himself, just because of the current circumstance.
You're being the bigger person but giving it maximum chance to resolve itself before you have to pander to him.

ItWentInMyEye · 28/09/2016 09:18

Yanbu. You're grieving too, and you're taking him when you said you don't actually want to see your dad -which I totally understand-. He could show some willing and meet you at your mums, I think that's a completely reasonable request. He needs to consider your grief if he expects you to consider his. Sorry for your loss OP Flowers

diddl · 28/09/2016 09:20

" I will still end up going to pick him up even if he doesn't turn up at my mums, "

Well I guess that that is the issue then.

He's no need to try to do anything for himself.

WatchingFromTheWings · 28/09/2016 09:21

YANBU. Tell him what time you will be at your mums. If he's there, he can have a lift. If not, he makes his own way. You've gone out of your way to sort a car, the least he can do is catch a bus for that part of his journey!

Sorry for your loss. Flowers

2kids2dogsnosense · 28/09/2016 09:23

He is being totally U.

Six hours driving in a borrowed car - and as someone else has commented there are petrol costs to cover (which I'm assuming you are just going to "suck up" as he is on a low income) and d you need to pay extra insurance? We tried to insure my car for our son to use for ONE DAY, and it was going to be nearly 200 quid! And no - it's not a flash expensive car - it's a 11 year old Matiz, and our 33 year old son has no driving disqualifications etc against him - it's just his was in for a new exhaust.

Tell him you can't get use of a car for that length of time - the extra two hours mean that your friend who is lending it to you wouldn't be able to be without it as they need it.

So sorry you've lost your dad, but this is another reason you shouldn't be driving for long distances - you will be upset as well as tired.

BigginsforPope · 28/09/2016 09:23

Perhaps he can make his own way home then if you are willing to take him to see your father?

I do think your request is quite reasonable though and I am at a loss as to why he is stalling you.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 28/09/2016 09:25

Sorry for your loss.

You are grieving too - I think you should say that. Acknowledge you're know he must be feeling awful, but you just don't have as much resilience as usual because you're feeling the loss of your dad, and you're happy to do him a favour, but not more than you've already offered.

I would actually ask him (gently) if he's making difficulties because he doesn't want to see your dad?

I think people often don't talk as much or as openly about things like this, as they should. And then it all turns into resentment later on, and feelings of what you 'should' have done and he 'should' have done.

Better to ask him straight out and to point out that his behaviour is strange for someone who is asking a big favour already.

CoraPirbright · 28/09/2016 09:31

I was wondering if you were going to tell us that he has anxiety or other mental health issues or is not fully independent.

As this is not the case, why in the hell should you be running around after this useless man-child? You have given him two options both of which are entirely workable. Either he is putting up these obstacles because he wants a door-to-door chauffeur service or he doesn't really want to go. Either way, he is being selfish and lazy and needs to be told to pull his finger out.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

dowhatnow · 28/09/2016 09:33

Well what a waste of a thread. You both know that you'll pick him up. If you dont want to, then make a stand. Otherwise dont moan.

Sorry for you loss by the way,

ohtheholidays · 28/09/2016 09:34

I'm very sorry for your loss OPFlowers if your brother doesn't have any special needs or anxiety and he gets on well with your Mum then I can't see why he can't help get himself closer to where you are being as your doing him a favour.

Do you think it might be connected to having lost your Father maybe?
I know everyone copes differently when they've lost someone so close,I lost my Mum and we were extremly close and I couldn't face going to the cemetry after the funeral for a year.
So many members of my family bad mouthed me over that,but I just couldn't,to me that would be admitting that she'd gone and I just wasn't ready to do that.

shovetheholly · 28/09/2016 09:34

In that case, in the absence of medical issues, I think he's being very selfish. You are grieving too. You must be shattered, you poor thing - both emotionally and physically. Sometimes grief can be so deep and profound that even stuff like your ability to drive is impaired.

It is time for him to do his bit to support others. I think grief makes people act in strange, self-centred ways sometimes, but that does not mean that you have an obligation to help someone who is not willing to take a 40 minute bus ride to say goodbye. That is very much his decision.

I am so sorry for your loss. Flowers

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 28/09/2016 09:34

Mmm. I have to be honest, in these circumstances I would do the drive and collect him. But I'm a softy like that.

Sorry for your loss Thanks

trafalgargal · 28/09/2016 09:36

2kids2dogs surely if it was just one day renting a car made more sense ?

OP if your brother has anxiety issues then grief is likely to magnify them and even if he hasn't then grief does make some people utterly unreasonable. Whilst you are dealing with your own grief too I suspect in your situation I'd pick him up and suck it up .....not for him but so you don't feel bad further down the line that he didn't get to say goodbye privately.

My brother was unreasonable about one cousin not attending my Mum's funeral ,whilst I understood his reasons I didn't believe my Mum would have wanted him excluded and in normal circumstances I'd have told my brother he wasn't being reasonable. In this instance I went along with it (and copped the flack for it from the rest of the family , brother wasn't answering the phone to any of em) as I felt it would cause my brother more distress than he was clearly already suffering. In the end all I could do was decide which long term would cause the least pain ......and put up with the short term consequences.

Raffles1981 · 28/09/2016 09:37

I agree with everyone else - he sounds ungrateful, entitled and a brat. Grief does weird things to people. But really, all you are asking of him is a 40 minute bus ride. If he cannot deal with seeing your dad and this is his way of dealing with it, then he needs to man up and just tell you - he has changed his mind. Guilt and blame are not on your doorstep. You have done your part, now it's his turn xxx

MoreCoffeeNow · 28/09/2016 09:38

OP, it's your loss as well. I would be firm and say pick up at mum's or forget it. He's being very selfish and should think about your feelings.

LaContessaDiPlump · 28/09/2016 09:38

Have you told him that you don't want to have to drive an extra two hours to pick him up?

Try saying that and then..... silence. Let him fill it.

Sometimes people will be shamed into doing the right thing if you deliberately don't fill the gaps for them!

eddielizzard · 28/09/2016 09:40

yes, def tell him you don't want to drive for an extra 2 hours on top of the 4 you'll already be driving. you'll pick him up from your mum's at 10.

it's not your fault if he decides not to make that effort. he will have decided not to go, not you.

Janek · 28/09/2016 09:42

I agree you should not have to do this, and it is not your fault if your brother will not facilitate himself.

However (just a suggestion) - could you go and stay at your mums the night before? Then drive by and pick up your brother on the way in the morning? 40 mins on the bus shouldn't take too long in the car.

As i said, i don't see why you should have to, but if it will cause ructions if you don't, perhaps doung it this way would make it easier.

RaspberryIce · 28/09/2016 09:44

He wants you to chauffeur him an extra 2 hours because "he doesn't like morning buses?" What a princess. You are grieving too.

Original poster
Alittlebitloopy · 28/09/2016 09:45

I'm just not sure if it's a stand my ground moment.
I can see me turning up and him not being there, me being annoyed and not taking him.
I feel like just picking him up at the moment to make sure he gets there.
But if I'm annoyed that he's not there at 10? I might overreact and chose to make a point at the complete wrong time

OP posts:
RaspberryIce · 28/09/2016 09:47

What is his reason for not liking to take morning buses?

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