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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to bring my child

301 replies

Bumpasaurusmumma · 27/09/2016 16:59

My closest friend is getting married and they've also asked me to be part of the bridal party, which I am honoured.
The issue I have is they've said no children.
Now I can understand this as they feel that people would have more 'fun' without their children there. Trouble is, I wouldn't because it is not a local wedding. It would require a whole weekend away from my child who will be two (just turned) 'by the time the wedding happens.

I have spoken to my husband and he feels the same. That we are a family unit and he doesn't want to be over 4.5 hours away just incase something happens.

Now I have tried to raise this concern with my friends and they just said let's see how things are in six months... all fair and well but I've planned a wedding myself and I'm aware that in six months everything will be booked and sorted, I also know I will feel the same. When they first told us, our child was a small baby and we hadn't attempted to find a childminder etc by that point and naively unaware of the difficulties of finding someone you trust, never mind willing for the whole weekend! So said it probably would be ok. They in turn said if we are having issues to let them know, which we have and they have still said no.

I'd happily pay for my child in terms of food etc...

When we got married (and were none the wiser about getting childminders etc...) we said no children ourselves except for certain exceptions (friends and family travelling several hours and spending the whole weekend) rather than being local and going home same night.

I'm not some precious mother who can't leave her child. We have been out for meals etc, I'm just not comfortable about a whole weekend and my husband feels the same. It wouldn't be feasible to travel there and back in one day.

The other option is to leave my hubby at home and go alone. Which I know they would also be upset by.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 27/09/2016 19:44

Unless you take a relative or minder to watch them in a nearby location?

GoMeGoYou · 27/09/2016 19:52

YABU.

They don't want your child at their wedding. I'm sure your DD is lovely but she will be two and presumably she isn't close to them.

Original poster
Bumpasaurusmumma · 27/09/2016 19:59

Actually we asked the groom to be godfather, so yes they are close.

I haven't badgered anyone. As I have stated in several comments, I spoke to them about it because they asked me to tell them if it was an issue. I have raised it once and only once.

The groom is my friend so don't worry, I'm not badgering any brides...

As for no children the response about seeing how things go in six months also states they are trying to have as 'few children as possible' which suggests to me there are likely going to be some.

But anyway - this is clearly pissing people off and apologies if it has pissed you off but as for why I didn't read the numerous other posts similar... they weren't in the same situation and I wanted to ask. You didn't have to read or post, or be aggressive or rude.

Anyway, thank you all for your points of view.

OP posts:
Wellywife · 27/09/2016 20:00

To those saying 'go on your own' what if the b and g are the only people she knows there? They'll be too busy circulating to give much time and unless you thrive on socialising, a wedding solo can be the crappiest way to spend time (IMO!). Having a DH at least gives you someone to gossip with.

Peppardew · 27/09/2016 20:00

You have my sympathies, I decided really didn't want to leave my 2 1/2 yr old Dd overnight earlier this year to attend child free wedding several hours away. I've never done it before and she quite often wakes at night, hated the thought of her asking for us and us not being there, DH just went by himself instead and no one even questioned it.

Incidentally, despite having been quite a few weddings when she was younger and being a dream, went to a wedding with her as a 2 year old earlier in the year and it was hideous! None of us enjoyed the toddler wedding experience, I really wouldn't put yourself through it Grin

brasty · 27/09/2016 20:01

She is your closest friend? Sometimes you have to do things for friends if you care about them. Leave DC with DH and go on your own. It may not be your preferred choice, but do this for your friend.

Only1scoop · 27/09/2016 20:03

Even more so then, if the Groom is her Godfather, rest assured if he wants to invite he will.

Chippednailvarnishing · 27/09/2016 20:03

OP: AIBU?
Answer: Yes
OP: You didn't have to read this and not give me the answer I wanted to hear.

How long before it gets deleted for reasons of"privacy".

MargaretCavendish · 27/09/2016 20:05

To those saying 'go on your own' what if the b and g are the only people she knows there?

This seems unlikely if this is her 'closest friend'; in any case, she's in the bridal party so DP's going to have to spend quite a bit of it without her if he does come.

paxillin · 27/09/2016 20:06

2 year olds are bloody wrecking balls, especially in formal situations. Yours will be, too, when she's 2.

Tallulahoola · 27/09/2016 20:07

This is slightly on a tangent but are most people's children happy to be left with sitters they've never met before? Genuine question. DD is 3 and I think would freak out at a stranger putting her to bed.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 27/09/2016 20:08

Actually there are a shitload of threads about exactly this situation if you cba to look.

But of course feel free to have a go at anyone who thinks you are being unreasonable by expecting someone else's wedding to be about you.

Go on your own or don't go.

I really don't see the issue, is there any reason your absence is going to ruin their day?

NataliaOsipova · 27/09/2016 20:09

Reading that update - and that the groom is godfather to your DD - made me understand much better why you feel upset, OP. I wouldn't change my advice - I still think you either have to go on your own or decline apologetically, but I can understand why it's causing you some concern.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 27/09/2016 20:09

Or why don't you just turn up with your child in tow anyway? That'll teach them Hmm

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 27/09/2016 20:10

And just because you dripfed said that the groom is your DD's godfather still doesn't make the day about you

EverySongbirdSays · 27/09/2016 20:11

If you post a question in AIBU particularly a question in which your OP reveals hypocritical and PFB behaviour, you have to be prepared to be told you are unreasonable.

Otherwise go to Chat, and say I can't take my baby to my friends wedding, console me.

thecatsclinkers · 27/09/2016 20:12

YABU.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 27/09/2016 20:13

Or fuck off to Netmums where I'm sure everyone will rally round with 'your child your rules hun'

Only1scoop · 27/09/2016 20:14

'Asked him to be Godfather'
So maybe DC not christened yet.
So I'm guessing he's asked you to be Bridesmaid or similar? Maybe they will jiggle the numbers nearer day, I'd plan on not though.

NataliaOsipova · 27/09/2016 20:15

And just because you dripfed said that the groom is your DD's godfather still doesn't make the day about you

That's unkind. No - it doesn't make the day "about her", but it would mean (to me, at least) that her child would be in a similar category to family children. As I said, I would still say she should decline or go alone, but I can understand why she feels a bit slighted.

LyndaNotLinda · 27/09/2016 20:15

Livia - no, mine wouldn't have been. Hence me suggesting that they have a nice family weekend away, get a sitter for the afternoon and the OP's husband go back at the end of the reception to put their daughter to bed. That way they're both there for the main event.

The moral of the story: child-free weddings always come back to bite you on the arse. Always

Phalenopsisgirl · 27/09/2016 20:15

Book a nanny for the day, you can book one through an agency, there are companies that specialise in emergency and one offs. I did this for a wedding and it was great, fully qualified/checked girl came to the hotel from lunch time onwards, was lovely and took ds out in the grounds to play, fed him, babysat all evening and left when we came up from the wedding.

eddielizzard · 27/09/2016 20:16

i'd email the groom and say you will come on your own, because you can't find anyone who will take your dc for the whole weekend. or, email and say you can't go.

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 27/09/2016 20:16

But by playing her face about it, she IS making it about her. They don't want the child there. I'm sure they will manage if OP isn't there. She's the one making a big drama

LiviaDrusillaAugusta · 27/09/2016 20:17

Lynda Sorry which of my posts were you replying to?