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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not do his washing?

59 replies

Hotwaterbottle1 · 25/09/2016 09:54

Separated but sharing a home. As I cook & wash for kids still being doing his. He did not wish to separate but I'm 100% sure. Last few weeks he has done nothing at all to help round the house. Think he is trying to make a point that I'd have to do it myself when he leaves (he refuses to do so right now and we can't afford). He left early yesterday before I got up to go away for the day/night. I knew he was going but not when or when he will return. He has left his work clothes lying in front of washing machine. AIBU to leave them there or is that petty?

OP posts:
Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 · 25/09/2016 09:56

You are not his mother. Nor his wife anymore so no don't do his washing!!

AmserGwin · 25/09/2016 09:58

Leave them there!

Cocklodger · 25/09/2016 09:59

No yanbu. Bag up his work clothes this evening/put them in spare wash basket (if applicable) and hand them to him.
Or you could just dump 'em in his room.

bibbitybobbityyhat · 25/09/2016 10:00

Put it in a bin liner and put it on his bed. You don't want to be stepping over piles of washing on the kitchen floor all day do you?

Cocklodger · 25/09/2016 10:00

Don't just leave them there. You need to make a stronger point that doesn't involve you having to suffer for it (smelly clothes in the way of everything and if they are very dirty, skanking up your floors!)

gunsandbanjos · 25/09/2016 10:02

I'd leave them exactly where he left them.

As above, you are neither his mother or his partner.

And he sounds like he's being a bit of a knob.

Original poster
Hotwaterbottle1 · 25/09/2016 10:02

They are in the utility room so not in my way & can just shut the door!

OP posts:
rollonthesummer · 25/09/2016 10:04

How long will you be living together like this?!

gamerchick · 25/09/2016 10:04

I would just leave them. Bagging them up (which is what I would usually advise) may just start a tit for tat thing that would turn unbearable.

WatchingFromTheWings · 25/09/2016 10:06

I wouldn't be doing anything for him. No laundry, no cooking or shopping.

Akire · 25/09/2016 10:07

So he's not doing any housework because you will have to do it all once he's gone. So return da our when he moves out he have to start his own washing.

AyeAmarok · 25/09/2016 10:07

Of course you shouldn't do them.

qwertyuiopasdfghjkl · 25/09/2016 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rainbowstardrops · 25/09/2016 10:08

Leave them exactly where he's left them and shut the door! I wouldn't be doing anything for him.

Skittlesss · 25/09/2016 10:10

Leave them! Don't do a thing for him!

Original poster
Hotwaterbottle1 · 25/09/2016 10:10

Roll, goodness knows, seeing a solicitor & financial advisor next couple of weeks to help move things on.

I feel childish not cooking as cooking for kids and they would notice. Trying to keep the peace.

OP posts:
Eminado · 25/09/2016 10:10

Yes leave them there.

Dont put them in a bin bag as that is confrontational; just leave them exactly where he left them 🙄.

MidnightRunner87 · 25/09/2016 10:13

i will never forget a guy I worked with who split with his wife as he'd 'fallen in love' with a friend of his. In the run up he used to come to work telling us all these woe are me tales of how his wife didn't understand him, he was trapped etc.
Anyways he split with her but wasn't honest he had met someone else but he had the expectation that his wife would beg him to stay. She didn't and when he came into work a few days later visible upset that his wife had stopped cooking for him and that he had gone to football the night before and apparently taken his kit out the bag and it was filthy-his wife had always actively checked his bag and washed it again-we all laughed and pointed out to him that he'd finished her so he was completely unreasonable to expect her to carry on doing those things.

It actually got funnier- about two weeks later he came into work looking really upset with himself. It turned out his (ex) wife had booked him some appointments to go and view flats for him to move to, plus she had approached her solicitor and that ball had been rolled too. He never ever thought she would react like that, he really thought she wouldn't cope alone and you could visibly see him regretting what he had stated, even more so when the friend he had fallen for told him nothing could ever happen and she was staying with her husband.

Definitely stop doing his washing and anything else that you did for him, your no longer his wife and you've never been his mother Smile

imnotreally · 25/09/2016 10:32

If you are still doing his washing/cooking etc you aren't properly separated

Greenkit · 25/09/2016 10:34

Don't do his washing!!

He can take turns doing the cooking!

He can take turns looking after his children.

Original poster
Hotwaterbottle1 · 25/09/2016 10:36

I understand imnot but to cook for 3 is no different to 2 and I think this would upset kids more than anything ie them not eating together. I eat separate.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hotwaterbottle1 · 25/09/2016 10:37

The kids would be starving if they had to wait till he got home and then cooked.

OP posts:
PizzaPlease · 25/09/2016 10:50

I've been living this exact situation for over a year and finally, finally he is moving out next week. My ex was awful, did nothing around the house at all, spends no time with his daughter and spends all the time he isn't at work playing on his xbox, shouting and swearing very loud. I'm not sure what he'll do when he moves into his own place and realises that the housework is now his sole responsibility! He very seriously mentioned something about paper plates the other day...
My main problem now is coming to terms with the fact that I will not see my daughter every day (she's 3). I'm struggling with that a lot.

Original poster
Hotwaterbottle1 · 25/09/2016 10:54

Pizza snap re the Xbox!! Did you do his washing & cooking? I don't have an issue not seeing my kids, they are almost 16 & 13 so used to them being in rooms/at friends/sleepovers/clubs. I enjoy te freedom.

OP posts:
yougetme · 25/09/2016 11:10

Surely at 13 & 16 the children can understand the concept of separation?

They may be more confused at the way you continue to treat your Dh as a normal partner.

Why don't you eat with them instead? Cooking and washing for your Dh sends all the wrong signals and it's inevitable that they are loathe to change what you are so obviously happy to continue

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