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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not do his washing?

59 replies

Hotwaterbottle1 · 25/09/2016 09:54

Separated but sharing a home. As I cook & wash for kids still being doing his. He did not wish to separate but I'm 100% sure. Last few weeks he has done nothing at all to help round the house. Think he is trying to make a point that I'd have to do it myself when he leaves (he refuses to do so right now and we can't afford). He left early yesterday before I got up to go away for the day/night. I knew he was going but not when or when he will return. He has left his work clothes lying in front of washing machine. AIBU to leave them there or is that petty?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hotwaterbottle1 · 25/09/2016 11:14

They do but they are hurting & I'm picking my battles. They would see it as me being mean. I don't eat the same diet as them.

I'm stopping the washing now though after this.

OP posts:
CodyKing · 25/09/2016 11:20

I'd let him wash his own stuff -

I'd let him cook a few times as well - I'm sure some evening your kids go elsewhere - or you pop to the takeaway

bloodyteenagers · 25/09/2016 11:25

Sooner or later they won't be eating with him. Whilst live is as normal they are living in a false sense of hope that you will reconcile.
Start the week as you will be living. Which is doing stuff solely for the three of you. Because he's right, when he's gone you will be doing everything, well most things as the dc's should be also helping out cooking etc, but for one less person.
No more cooking, cleaning, shopping, washing and anything else you do for him.
Carey on and he will be thinking why do I need to move? I move I will have to do everything. I stay she does everything and I come and go as I please.

Original poster
Hotwaterbottle1 · 25/09/2016 11:30

Ok advice taken. Will be tough but you guys are right. I will stop washing now & ease into the cooking.

OP posts:
RavioliOnToast · 25/09/2016 11:36

Cook for the dcs after school, eat yourself later. Then that way they can eat together and if you eat alone anyway ex will have to sort himself out. I wouldn't include him in food shopping either. Try a few weeks of buying on the day, what you will eat that night and buy enough for you and 2dcs.

PizzaPlease · 25/09/2016 11:40

I didn't purposely do his washing, but if he had put something in the machine and then I put other things in I wouldn't take his out if you see what I mean! But I would never have washed what he dumped on the floor in front of the machine. I'm honestly not sure when he last washed his clothes. Confused

The cooking thing is difficult I think because if I'm cooking something that is going to make extra portions I'm not going to be petty and tell him he can't eat it. But at the same time I wouldn't cook him anything specific. So if we were having a quick tea of something like sausages I wouldn't put enough in for him too. He doesn't cook so he's basically been eating a lot of junk food lol.

user1474781546 · 25/09/2016 12:02

You are not separated. You live with your husband.

This situation is horrific for your children.

Original poster
Hotwaterbottle1 · 25/09/2016 12:15

User I am and I think you will find this is very very common. We have separate rooms.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hotwaterbottle1 · 27/09/2016 15:15

So he never mentioned it but just went to put a wash on & the bit where the door shuts has been removed. How bloody childish he is. So can't do the kids washing either. Nice.

OP posts:
JulietteL · 27/09/2016 15:21

What?! He has vandalised the machine so you can't use it?!?

Original poster
Hotwaterbottle1 · 27/09/2016 15:22

Yep 😕

OP posts:
PizzaPlease · 27/09/2016 15:45

Can you knock on a neighbours door/call a friend or family member and explain what he's done and see if you can pay to borrow their machine, or get yourself to a laundrette?

If you're not doing so already I would start keeping a journal of things like this. I'm honestly shocked that a grown man would do something like that that will affect his children and not just wash his own clothes!

Original poster
Hotwaterbottle1 · 27/09/2016 15:51

My mum lives 5 mins away, on holiday but I have a key so will go use hers for now. I suspect he will come home & miraculously fix it!

Thanks will do re journal.

OP posts:
CodyKing · 27/09/2016 15:53

Take pics of the machine -

SapphireStrange · 27/09/2016 15:56

Calmly ask him for the money to fix/replace the machine.

CodyKing · 27/09/2016 15:58

Actually - did that!

His kids - give him half the load - he can get them washed

imnotreally · 27/09/2016 16:34

What a knob!!!
And regarding user who said you're not separated, yes you are. You can be separated but living in the same house. It's quite common while one of the parties finds somewhere to live.

Love that you can use your mums op

bloodyteenagers · 27/09/2016 17:13

Isn't it such a shame that when you take the clothes round, you also have to take the powder/liquid etc?
And the door was taken off so whilst round there you can see if you can fix it.

JeSuisUnChocoholic · 27/09/2016 18:22

Donate them to charity. He doesn't want them, so he clearly doesn't need them.

Randytortoise · 27/09/2016 18:26

Take photos too and add them.to a journal just in case he's says you're exaggerating.

44PumpLane · 27/09/2016 18:35

You can be separated while living together but if you're going for a no fault divorce in 2 years you need to be able to truly demonstrate you stopped doing things together as a family unit.

So by continuing to cook and wash for him you are essentially continuing to engage in the typical acts of a person in a relationship unless (for example) you took turns to cook like in a roommate situation.

If you feel you'll be keen to divorce but think he'll be with you for a while if start to keep a diary to note dates you stopped doing any washing, stopped cooking, behaviour from him like sabotaging the washing machine etc- which would all help in backing up the fact you are genuinely separated should it come to it.

Greenkit · 01/10/2016 11:42

What.A.Cock!!!

honeysucklejasmine · 01/10/2016 12:00

What do you mean, bloodyteenagers? Confused

Eminado · 02/10/2016 04:52

Just come back to this thread and
I am stunned at his childishness.

How are you OP?

Original poster
Hotwaterbottle1 · 02/10/2016 20:06

Things got worse & Ive had to move temporarily to my mums today.

OP posts: