To want to tell this girl's mum about how nasty she has been to DD?

[MurphyJim]

DD has just started secondary school. She has gone up to secondary school with a group of friends that she spent most of her primary school years hanging round with. One of them, I'll refer to her as G, is very much the head of the group of friends and has been unkind to DD quite a bit over the years. Mainly low level nastiness such as telling others in the group not to talk to DD, or making fun of DD and getting others to laugh at her. She is very manipulative.

G's mum is, unfortunately, one of those mums who thinks her DD is absolutely perfect and is the first to get on the phone to, or approach, the mum of any child who has made a tiny or perceived slight towards her child. I have heard of it happening many a time throughout primary school, and she has phoned me a couple of times in the past about things such as my DD not being her DD's partner in PE and her DD being upset.

Anyway, today it's G's birthday and she has had a huge party/disco in a hall, followed by a sleepover with several friends. She has told DD since they went back to school 3 weeks ago that she was inviting everyone except DD, as she doesn't want DD there. And true to her word she invited the rest of their friendship group, as well as every other new friend DD has made at secondary school. And didn't invite DD.

This in itself was upsetting enough for DD. However all through the party this evening G has repeatedly sent DD texts with photos of her and all of DD's friends having fun at the party with captions such as "I love my besties". She also tried to facetime DD several times throughout the party, presumably to rub it in DD's face that she wasn't there! DD sensibly ignored the texts and calls, but was understandably very upset.

I am so angry about it all and feel like giving this girl's mum a call or a text tomorrow just to let her know about how upset DD is by G's behaviour. Especially as the mum is always the first person to complain and to kick up a huge fuss if her DD is upset.

WIBU to contact the mum? I don't want to make things worse for DD.

There is no point contacting the mother, she will trot our numerous reasons why her daughters actions are justified. I would tell the school though.

What do the others in the same friendship group say / do about this nasty girl? Is this girl trying to push your dd out of the group or is she simply enjoying bullying her?

I wouldn't bother with the mum either- she may be rather toxic herself.

I'd go directly to the school about her bullying. There's a teen movie on Netflix at the moment which describes a very similar situation and it doesn't end well so I'd nip it in the bud now.
Your DD needs to find good friends not sheep and wolf friends - she sounds like a full on bitch and your DD would suffer or even learn bad behaviours from this bully

Screenshot, block and pass it to the school. They need to know if something like this is brewing, and can stop it before it grows arms and legs. School can also box clever and say that it was bought to their attention by someone else at the party.

Don't let G get away with this.

This girl sees your daughter as a threat and for some reason sounds extremely jealous of her. I don't think there is any point in contacting the mother as she is persuaded her daughter is a princess and this may make the situation worse.

Screenshot and make the school aware. Then if it escalates, you sil have plenty of evidence to show the police. Encourage your dd to find some other friends. Does she have any extra curricular activities she likes to do or clubs away from school? The right activity with some like minded peers away from school can really help build confidence.

Italiangreyhound, you said (and you are right):
Did her friends ask where she was? Did any text her to see why she was not there? If all her friends accept this sort of behavior then shame on them and when she has made new friends maybe one of them will face this horrible bully's side.

The problem here that causes all this vile vile behaviour and casting out (yet with added taunting to show just how much the person has been cast out, if they didn't get it already) is because of the power of the 'group'. The group is EVERYTHING. Even girls who know that what is going on is wrong, will not speak up. They are too afraid of being the next person to be cast out of the group. This is powerful stuff for the teenage girl and 99% of them don't have the strength to do what is morally right, and support the ostracised person.

This happened to my DD this year. She has literally spent the summer in her bedroom as she has NO ONE to call a friend - they all shafted her, including her absolute BFF. It was utterly heartbreaking - I think I almost struggled more than she did, I found it absolutely soul destroying. DD had the foresight to know that when the group wanted a former member to be welcomed back, and this person had previously caused aggro, she made the mistake of saying yes but let's proceed with caution, and that was it. She was then the evil one (when in fact she was the more mature person actually, significantly more advanced and canny in her thinking than the rest who were slavishly following the group think).

It does break my heart to hear DD who normally went round school always with at least one person say to me the other day "I've learnt how to go round school on my own, and I set up meeting places to meet up with [this one girl] at break and lunchtime".

She does now have one friend, just the one, and a couple of girls who are part of the previous group have came up to DD and said we don't have a problem with you but they certainly don't actively try and be friends with her either, but clearly some of them have felt uncomfortable about what they are doing.

DD didn't want me to contact school let alone the parents. Without her knowledge and ensuring that the teachers knew that I did NOT want DD to know that I'd contacted them, I did contact them but only to say this is the situation, please keep an eye on DD. And DD came to the conclusion that she needed different friends.

This kind of behaviour is vile, vile, vile. Schools do NOT do enough to tackle bullying in its modern forms and should be hauled over the coals for failing to be 'on it' and calling out the little bitches that behave like this. They are totally apathetic in their approach, as is DDs school.

I am SO sorry for this girl, I really am, but sadly this kind of scenario is being played out in pretty much every secondary school across the country.

1 - screen shot and then speak and show to the mother saying that the bullying has to stop.
2- encourage your daughter to make new friends and block any of the bitchy nasty ones
3- if the mum isn't shocked and doesn't apologise and deal with her daughter then approach the school who should take it seriously. Still encourage your daughter to block and ignore this girl from now on. She probably gets off on the attention from it all but a telling off May work if she's a goody tooshoes with adults normally.
4- host a series of nice events for your daughter to try and make some new friendships. Poor girl it sounds like this other girl has made things tough on her and must be heart breaking for you.

The girls name doesn't begin with T does it?

Don't you all remember this? I do. At some stage each one of our (generally decent friendship group) had this done to them at secondary. Made worse by social media I would imagine. Think there's even a word for it - gangster ing. Absolutely fucking devastating at the time.

Tbh not sure there is much as a parent that you can "do" except help your dd stay strong and dignified, support her and tell her it happens to the best of us, sadly a developmental stage, mine are 10 and 8 not looking forward to this!

Yes, this is not low-level. It's outright bullying

Go to the school. My son's school would take this seriously.

Get the book "Queen Bees and Wannabes" for your DD

If she is distressed and you believe her self-esteem has been damaged (and this has been going on a long time) I'd recommend a one-day course called Zap by Kidscape to help bully-proof her

To clarify if so, speaking to the mother would do no good- she is a complete bully herself!

I also would not contact the mother. I doubt she'd make any attempt to be objective about this

Leave it.
Do not contact the mother; she will be as unpleasant as her daughter, and has fostered her spiteful behaviour throughout the primary years. They will be hoping for a response to perpetuate the conflict; don't give them the satisfaction. Block their numbers immediately.

It sounds as though your daughter is very sensibly taking advantage of being in a new school and seizing the opportunity to make new friends, which is what usually happens; the other girl realises her influence is waning and this very calculated nastiness is an attempt to regain control.

Please don't contact the school unless this girl targets your daughter in school time. Cut all contact with this family, they really are trash, and focus on building up your daughter's self-esteem and new friendships.

Honestly I would go to school, it's a very clear case of cyber bullying, having it documented at the girls cards marked will be helpful if it continues.

I think it's wise to encourage wider friendship groups.

Fuck I remember those times and it is hard.

Don't contact the mother but do contact the school - not sure about all schools but the school my dc attend would definitely want to know about this.

You can be sure the mean girl is being mean to your daughter at school and the staff need to be made aware of it.

Are your daughter and G in the same lessons/tutor groups? I'd definitely tell the school as PP have stated I don't think the other parent will believe her precious snowflake has done anything wrong.
It's cyber bullying and needs addressing soon.
I found the end of primary and beginning of secondary tough. I was sensitive (still am!) and some of the other girls picked up on that and I felt isolated a lot ! Even my best friend to this day followed on occasion, however if your DD rises above as she appears to have done and ignores and finds a new friendship group, she'll be fine! She sounds strong and clever, good on you !

G will grow up knowing no boundaries and that no one will call her on her actions, she'll be entitled and eventually people will see her for what she is. Hopefully by saying something to school two lives can be made better ! I wish you all the best

I would screen shot and then forward to her tutor (or whoever is responsible for her parstoral care) so the school are aware. Explain how you have dealt with the situation with your daughter but that dd is now feeling vulnerable and could they be aware. They will be much better placed to keep an eye out for bullying (which is what this is) and facilitate better more appropriate friendships if they know what has happened and the form the bullying is taking, don't let this spiral and get worse, nip it in the bud now, the school will not think this silly and stupid. If you want to then let the other girls mum know how you have dealt with the situation, to "keep her in the loop" and feel smug that she now has to know her dd has been outed as a bully.

ignore the mother and contact the safeguarding lead/ firm tutor at school via email over the weekend so it's in their inbox for Monday morning. Give factual information and state clearly that your reason for telling them is because dd has been bullied by a girl at her school over the weekend ( and acquiesced by others) and you're expecting some fall out this week.

And keep talking and listening to your dd. It sounds like you have s good relationship.

Another don't contact mother contact school. Tell DD to block bully.

Do anything to encourage those new friendships..Whether it is a sleepover., Movie night, or joining a popular activity.

Also screen shot and into school. It is important for establishing bullying...IF anything happens in school they can't go first incident .. no knowledge.

i love cauliflowers response

I'd mention it to the school but say nothing to the mother. Ask school to be aware but not intervene yet.

I had this when i was about 15. I made new friends and moved on but it was hellish. One of the girls that got pulled in was the daughter of the deputy head. He witnessed an incident and she got a huge dressing down in front of me and my mum.

The main ringleader was ditched by the other girls a few years later and i got massive apologies.

It's awful, but sadly it's really common. Teenage girls can be fucking awful.

I think this is bullying, and school should be aware.

I'd message the mother and say

Please tell your daughter to stop contacting mine. Cyber bullying is taken very seriously nowadays and if it doesn't stop immediately, my next point of contact will be the school, followed by the police. I have taken screen grabs of the texts and photos your daughter has sent mine as evidence of her behaviour.

In many ways the mother is better placed to nip this behaviour in the bud. Although at secondary school, they are still fairly young children. Not making excuses at all. The girl knows full well what she is doing but it is a bit of emotional immaturity and IMO a good talking to, forcing her to rellay think about how she is making your daughter feel and being forced to miss out on social events herself would be a suitable sanction. I think I would give the family one chance to try to sort this out themselves as it would be more effective in the long term.
Keep a log of all incidents and if the family are ineffective then straight to the school from then on.
Your poor daughter sounds incredibly brave. I hope she finds some lovely new friends out of this.

Please don't go to the mother. She sounds like a complete nutter and would turn it back on stuff your dd has done rather than admitting hers was in the wrong. If she was normal OK but if she was normal it wouldn't have happened.

Take a deep breath today and then call dd's form tutor tomorrow and go and talk to him/her. This has started in school.