To expect the kids to be picked up after?

[RavioliOnToast]

My dfil has had both DDs 4(in school until 3pm) and 19mo today and Wednesday. Wednesday he took them to McDonald's for tea, when I came home (approx 2 hours after they'd eaten) to McDonald's bags all over the kitchen, empty happy meal boxes, half used pots of ketchup all over the kitchen table and food on the floor. Today, again (approx 2 hours after they'd eaten) I came back to food on plates and all over the floor, trailed through the passage into the living room, empty food boxes all over the kitchen. Now I don't even expect him to do the dishes but aibu in thinking he should have put the wrappers/discarded food into the bin and swept up after them? Youngest DD had emptied older DDs school bag all over the floor so there was uniform and homework all over and he'd just left it? Am I bang out of order being a bit pussed off?

This is the mark on my arm I'm very tender, just pleased it was me and not the DCs. I wasn't raging about it hours later, just wondered if I was unreasonable being a bit cross

Shouldn't 4 yos be putting their rubbish in the bin (the easy bits, wrappers etc)?

Oh, that's bad lots and lots of running under a cold tap.

They might but they won't do it unless they are told to do so.
The 19 months old won't.

Whihc then still leaves quite a lot of stuff around

Just have to add an anecdote of my own here, might cheer you up with a smile OP. As a single mum I had a lovely friend stay with my DS, then 2, and her own DD, whilst I had to be readmitted to hosp with newborn DC. When we got discharged after 24 hours (with no sleep for me less than a week after giving birth) I can honestly say I've never seen my flat in such a state. Pancakes had been made, there was flour, eggshells, batter everywhere, practically every jigsaw in the house was out on the floor, beds and bedding was all in the wrong rooms and encrusted with various snacks. I recall texting a friend and saying to her: Please tell me not to lose it with my friend who's here because I know I'll regret it! And she sent me texts of "keep calm" encouragement for the next hour or so! My babysitting friend never mentioned the mess so I managed not to either, i had to clear it up a couple of days later after a long sleep with the baby...but i still remember my horror. I've no idea what went on, I think the friend is naturally just very very messy not houseproud but I struggled to keep calm on returning home, there wasn't even a bed to sleep on that was clean!!!

My mind is boggling at some of the replies on this thread! So what if the 4yo should tidy her own wrappers!

Who should have changed the shitty dried on nappy? FIL.

Given that no cooking is required in buying 2 x Happy Meals, who should have been aware of whether the hob is on for 2 hours? FIL.

Is he being excused because he has a penis? I have a 4yo, a 7month old and I occasionally look after 2yo DNiece for free. If I'd known that the free nature of my services exempted me from changing shitty nappies I wouldn't have bothered! Oh but hang on, I don't have a penis, so that exclusion doesn't apply to me.

Our house is always a TIP after MIL babysits. Every toy is out as she lets the DCs do as they please, kitchen is usually a state. They generally don't get fed a meal just sweets/snacks so wrappers & crumbs are everywhere! It is annoying but we take it as we find it TBH as we are just grateful for some precious child free time! However, I would never leave someone's house in a state even if I was doing them a favour.

Ouch! That looks tender!

A 'general' mess wouldn't bother me (toys, schoolbooks, clothing, pillow forts, etc) but food mess is unacceptable. I'd expect that food spills or mess would at least be wiped with a wet cloth. Empty biscuit or ready meal boxes or the like wouldn't bother me either, but anything with messy food bits/liquid should be put in the fridge or bin. I don't care if it's free childcare, that's not an excuse for leaving someone's house a pigsty.

It takes a bit of co ordination and practice juggling 2 kids, so cut him some slack, .he'll be better next time and the time after that.

As a Gmother when looks after both son's and daughter's toddlers during the week, I had to comment. I really love looking after them both and spend lots of time reading/playing/cooking etc. during the day. I love that I know them both so well and must admit my motives for doing this for my son and daughter are not entirely unselfish. However, while sitting in my daughters house at 6pm this evening, waiting for Mum or Dad to get home from work I cannot deny that I was just too tired to get down on my knees to tidy the pile of toys around me even though in an ideal world I would have liked to. Of course I was still able to care for my granddaughter - who was playing happily, but did not feel it was too much to ask for her parents to tidy the normal toddler untidiness once I had gone. Some days I have the energy to do this at the end of the day - other days I really don't.

YABU.

He is not used to small children. They are hard work. You think this was not a long day, but for him I bet it was.

When people are doing me a favour, the only things I'd expect them to clear up are anything which will be dangerous or cause an even worse mess if left. Example: spilled vegetable oil on kitchen floor which could cause someone to fall or be tracked onto the carpet. By contrast, spilled oil on table can be left.

I am a small bit worried about the hob mistake and the unchanged baby, which suggest he might be finding it hard to cope and therefore might not be able to look after them well and safely. Then again, it might just be One of Those Things. Well, two of those things. I've certainly made mistakes like that when looking after my own children, but if I made such mistakes every day then that would be worrying. I guess you'd have to judge by his overall track record.

FWIW when I look after someone else's kids as a favour, I would generally clear up any major spills and pick stuff up off the floors. I would not have cleared the table. I would very rarely pick up toys. Mostly because I CBA but also because I'm unlikely to know where stuff came from and don't want to cause trouble by doing it wrong. I am an absolute saint only when looking after children whose parent has a newborn or is in hospital.

Is there not just the smallest difference between picking up toys and used food wrappers/boxes?

No?

Really?

*Is there not just the smallest difference between picking up toys and used food wrappers/boxes?

No?

Really?*
No. A 4 yr old is capable of picking up either, and should be doing so.

But choli, the FIL might not want to get the 4yo to pick up after herself (rightly or wrongly) as that verges on lecturing or something that he doesn't feel he's got authority to do (or wants to do) like parents would. Yes of course it would be great if he did, but what if he asked her to and she said No, or I'll do it in a minute, or I'm not picking up 19mo's boxes, or I'm playing now... it could turn into a row and maybe the FIL just doesn't want to rock the boat. That's if he's even registered that they need picking up. Some people just don't see the mess.

I think on balance, it is not important enough to bother over. As long as FIL is providing good quality care for the children, plus as it's a short term arrangement as a favour to the OP, I think a bit of mess could be overlooked.

The FIL should not have to tell the 4 yr old, her parents should have made clear to her after the first instance that she should do this.

Lol
Because when you have said to your DC, aged 4yo, that they need to tidying up when you're not there, they do it? All on their own?
If that was the case, no parent would ever have any issue with their kids not tidying up their bedroom.

At that age, they are still learning and still need to be reminded to do so. As any child really.

Mammoth - yes at 4 mine would do that. My youngest is just 5 so that was us recently. He wouldn't leave the bedroom covered in stuff, he would put away when finished of being the items with him. He wouldn't just get up from table and walk off leaving mess either, he will scrap any leftover in bin and put plate in dishwasher or above it if it's on. It's a 4 year old not 4 month old

So if it's that hard work to look after the dcs and so tiring, I gather that if you look after your dgc at home, you also expect the parents to tidy up your house when they collect the kids? Because you see, it's free childcare and you are tired and anyway, it's normal child mess and as its thrur child, they should do it?

If I give a hand with 'free' childcare in someone house, I treat it the same than if it was my house. So I would put food rubbish in the bin and I would ask the child to tidy up as they go along. (Or I would do it if they are too young)
I'm as to why you wouldn't do something at your dgc house that you would do in your own house....

Art then lucky you but don't assume that every child is like this.
My dcs are teenagers and we are STILL asking them to tidy up every evening and it still doesn't happen if we dont 'remind' them.
I can't even convince dc1 that cupboard doors and drawers should be closed even though he us regularly hurting himself on them...,

And I know we are not the only ones either!

Both really. He's possibly finding it all a bit much. Two 4yos and a 19 mth old if quite a handful. It's very different if they are your own children.

He's 55 not in his dotage.
I am a fair bit older and I manage to clear up whilst looking after DGC. And leaving the hob on was very dangerous. What if the 4 year-old had touched it?

As to the 4 year-old clearing up - yes indeed. with direction and help from her grandfather. What 4 year-old clears the table without being asked or guided?

Mammouth - I have more than one child. If your teenagers can't work out to clear dirty crap up alone then that's your issue. At 16 many live alone so they need to buck up quickly or live in shithole

I think that all the he isnt used to small children and he isn't coping comments..... are about man looking after children . You wouldn't get the same about MIL, but in some ways it is generational I think and thankfully things are changing.

OP if it was me I would suggest they ate AT McDonalds next time, and I'd offer to pay. I think yanbu, my DF looks after my dds and he's wonderful with them in his own way but the practical stuff DM did and he finds it hard. It's easier to tackle when it's your own mum or dad though.

For goodness sake. What a load of excuses.

A 55 year old man is perfectly capable of wiping up food left in the floor and chucking rubbish in a bin. It's sheer laziness that he didn't.

If he were female (i.e. MIL) he wouldn't get away with it on this thread. But a middle-aged man's done childcare. Wow. Shouldn't have any basic cleanliness expectations of him.

Well, I'm a 50 year old woman and there are are definitely days where looking after a small child all day and another for a few hours would exhaust me, especially if I wasn't in my own home. My DH is 55, I'm sure he would be the same. Looking after toddlers burns you out.

In fact, let's reword the OP a little.

I've been home with a clingy toddler all day and collected 4 year old from school and she is tired and cranky, as am I. WIBU to get them McDonald's for tea and leave DH to clear up when he gets in? He's only been on a training course, that's not even real work right? And I'm just exhausted today.