racial discrimination or AIBU???

[hollowsorrow]

Hello everyone, so dh is white, i am brown and we have a 7 month old ds who looks completely white too, blonde hair, green eyes. So when i am out and about with him people(all women so far) start talking to me about my ds and then ask me if i am his nanny/caregiver. The first time i was asked i was taken aback till that time i had never actually thought about the colour difference between my ds and I. I am actually very offended and hurt when people ask me this question and I keep wondering is it just because of the skin colour or are there any other signs. Have other people had this experience and what happens if the colours reversed white women and coloured child? Anyways AIBU or are people just being racist???

It's not racism it's ignorance.

I knew someone who was asked, 'is that your baby' as she was breastfeeding her white child (she was brown) and one of my friends has a white child and white grandchildren, she's black. She said when ever she went to her daughter's school they assumed she was her daughter's step mother.

It does happen the other way round OP. My friend lives in the US (she's white British) and her husband is African American. Their 3 children look far more like him. She gets asked all the time who she is to the children and gets comments about the fact that she doesn't look like them. The kindergarten teacher once said to her 'sorry, only parents allowed at this meeting. You must obviously be a friend' and she had to correct them. It's ignorance, not racism.

I think it is racist, they're not just assuming you are not the mother, they are assuming you are 'the help'

My sister is white with dark skinned children, she has never been assumed to be their childminder. So that indicates to me it's a racist thing.

Of course it's not racist!

Annoying? Yes. But racist? No.

Sorry but they see a dark lady (tour words were brown) and a white baby.

I'm half persian (never been there though) and two of my dds are ginger!!!

Op you sound like you would be happier if people didn't chat to you full stop. This thread makes me feel that it would be safer if we only spoke to people who looked like ourselves wouldn't offend anyone that way would we

My friends mother had this 30 years ago, not racist just interested how genetics work.

My sister is white with dark skinned children, she has never been assumed to be their childminder. So that indicates to me it's a racist thing.

I have. So is that racist too then?

Sorry, I have had it happen to me, but I am white and my DC dual heritage. So is that racist too?

It's not racist. I have a friend who is half-Indian, she is very olive skinned, dark hair and brown eyes. One of her kids is very pale skinned, blonde haired and blue eyed. People assume she's the nanny all the time as there's no physical resemblance between them.

I think it's really rude to assume that a nanny is an 'inferior paid help' rather than someone who is probably well trained, doing an important job and valued by their employer. to any nannies reading this.

Why are people these days looked down on for their employment? Why is it so offensive to be considered the nanny. Maybe there are other attitudes that need to be challenged in this thread.

I think it's racism too...

I'm white, so are my DC, they look nothing like me, they're carbon copies of my DP's family, I'm olive skinned with dark hair and brown eyes, they were both blond and one has blue eyes and I've never once been asked if I was their nanny or childminder, yet I know it happens all the time to mothers who aren't white and their children look like they are, no matter how much they look like them.

I don't think it's racist, in general, but I agree it's rude and annoying.

I used to get it when I was younger (comparatively) and lived in a nice part of S London- everyone thought I was the au pair.

I think it's unlikely to have any racist intent - the people who are genuinely racist/disapproving are far more likely to glare and tut and not strike up a conversation. I think skin colour/tone is a very strong visual clue to relationship/origin etc and it's something we pick up on before anything else.

I have very dark skin for a white British person - people often assume I'm Eastern European or from one of the mediterranean countries. My DSs are blonde, and when they were babies/young toddlers people did query if they were mine, or assume DS1 was my friend's, and she had twins and I was just helping out. As they've grown up, their skin colour has darkened and now it's closer to mine. People now say 'oh aren't they like you?" despite the blonde hair, which indicates how strong the connection between skin tone and familial relationship is in most people's minds.

x-posted with tabulahrasa. Completely different experiences!

They are rude and ignorant sorry OP. To assume that and then ask the question is just wrong and rude.
I would never think of that! I work with families and I definitely never think that. I usually assume they are the parents or I just ask "where are your adults?" That way I dont assume if people are parent or grandparents or carers
Just practice a nice assertive answer and ignore them.
Or answer with a question:

• are you the nanny?
• why would you think I am the nanny?

- Sorted

I will add that I am pregnant with my first and I know I will be asked this too. Plus I have an accent so that = nanny to some people

I think the possible racism is in assuming that you are the nanny. I would find that extremely rude. The response above would be great - 'what makes you think I am the nanny?' That would take the wind out of their sails!

My dh got asked in the supermarket if our eldest son was his as they look so different. We were dumbstruck, wish we had had a witty and challenging response ready!

Also for those that said that people are just trying to figure out the connection I say that people can mind their own freaking business!
It is like costumers at work asking me where I am from. I am sorry but since when it is ok to be that nosy?!

Plus what Bertie said about being asked at supermarket. What if your child is adopted but you havent had that talk?
Same happens to a friend and her wife, two women so people ask which one is the mum? so they have to explain they both are
People are rude

And yes I think it comes from a racist view of different colour/ different accent = nanny.
May i ask if those that think it is not racist are white, possibly British by any chance?

Groaningmyrtle as the one who used those words, they are not my thoughts or opinions on childminders or nannies. You'll note they are in quotes, because I was trying to denote/articulate the possible thought processes and attitudes of someone who might see such a job in racially discriminatory terms, in order to illustrate that this is unlikely to be the motivation behind the comments the OP is getting.

For the Love of God it is not racism,it's people asking a question!

I've faced real racism myself,real racism is agressive either with words,actions or both!Racism can make you fear for your own safety and the safety of your family!

This thread and some of the responses is one of the reasons so many people don't feel like they can report racism against themselves!

This is playing down and diluting what real racism is!

I've been asked if I'm my DC's Mum,I've been asked if I was they're childminder and when I've said no some people have said are you sure?Now that's people being stupid not being Racist!
If we took offence every time someone was stupid none of us would ever talk to anyone ever again!

I've had friends that have had racism at school,one of them went home and tried to scrub the colour out of her beautiful black skin!That's fucking racism!
She really hurt herself and that took her years to get over!

Not what the OP was talking about!
I think some people could take offence in an empty bloody room!

Evergreen white no,I have a lovely year round tan

Ah ontheholidays I was curious my bad.
But I might disagree slightly on that racism is on a spectrum.
I have been treated pretty badly and told horrible things and I also have experienced a milder racism where the person didnt think they were being racist.
So for me if you assume because of colour or race or accent or so on, it is not right and it is discrimination.

But I see people here have different views to mine which is fine.
I still go home in tears when people innocently assume from me though

May i ask if those that think it is not racist are white, possibly British by any chance?

Nope.