racial discrimination or AIBU???

[hollowsorrow]

Hello everyone, so dh is white, i am brown and we have a 7 month old ds who looks completely white too, blonde hair, green eyes. So when i am out and about with him people(all women so far) start talking to me about my ds and then ask me if i am his nanny/caregiver. The first time i was asked i was taken aback till that time i had never actually thought about the colour difference between my ds and I. I am actually very offended and hurt when people ask me this question and I keep wondering is it just because of the skin colour or are there any other signs. Have other people had this experience and what happens if the colours reversed white women and coloured child? Anyways AIBU or are people just being racist???

I dont want to "claim racism", i just want to know why people are asking me if i am my child's mother, if it happened once in a blue moon it would not bother me, but it is happening quite frequently, which is really annoying me now. If people were asking you this question almost everyday, would you be annoyed??

Yep it would probably piss me off if it was every single day but do you really get questioned that much? or is it once or twice a week? but who are these people that need to ask you every day? you must be conversing with them or do they just ask you out of the blue? Don't engage if they do if it upsets you so much.

LRD, but if the child doesn't look like the parent, then it's not racist to question the relationship surely?

Why not?

I mean, it's something, isn't it? Either you're questioning race (ie., assuming cross-racial marriages are not normal) or you're trying to find out if the child is adopted, or something similar?

You wouldn't go up to your good friend and ask 'now, your baby looks nothing like you, did Janet cheat', so I doubt you would really ask this question unless you were already assuming it was ok to ask if the parents were of different races.

Backingvocals it is much more complicated than that. Skin tone is affected not just by the parents but also by previous generations. We have all heard of stories where a white English couple have had a black baby and barring infidelity it's because on both sides of the family there was a black ancestor. There were thousands of black servants and slaves in the UK in the 18th Century who were absorbed into the general (white) population. Virtually untraceable unless the parish priest make reference to colour in the parish records -- usually noted only names and often no mention of mother's name in baptismal entries. Also black people who have no knowledge of any white ancestors have discovered a significant percentage of European ancestry when they've had DNA testing.
Am waiting for my DNA results and hoping for something more interesting than just boring old UK ancestry!
OP sorry you find the persistent questions of strangers distressing -- you have every right to feel superior because of their ignorance. However real racists are unlikely to strike up a conversation with you about your beautiful baby.

I mean, it's something, isn't it? Either you're questioning race (ie., assuming cross-racial marriages are not normal) or you're trying to find out if the child is adopted, or something similar
You seem to be ignoring all the posters who have said they are basing their view on a very basic knowledge of genetics. It is nothing to do with assuming cross-racial marriages are not normal but everything to do with not realising such genetic permeations were possible and therefore making assumptions based on that limited knowledge.

OP, I know it can get very wearing. I am white, with a black dp. We have one white child and one black child. When she is with the kids, people assume she is CM of the white dc. When I'm with them, people think I'm a Slapper Who Goes With Black Men (as they used to say in the 70s).

Racist? Sometimes. Not necessarily. But tedious, yes.

bearded - no, not at all! I said upthread, I do understand this could be to do with very innocent ignorance.

I know some people have not grown up thinking interracial relationships are normal, and as you say, some of those people with have a very biased and inaccurate view of genetics as a result. That isn't their fault, any more than being told that interracial marriages are wrong is anyone's fault.

But, it is a problem that's rooted in racism, isn't it?

Woman I see at school in the morning asked me to watch "amy" for a minute. I chatted to Amy and said Mummy will be back in a minute - she replied - shes not my mummy.

The Woman was also eastern European so I've obviously been racist assuming she was the parent.

It is if there is a direct correlation between the two and your scenario exists. For me it was down to pure ignorance.

*Woman I see at school in the morning asked me to watch "amy" for a minute. I chatted to Amy and said Mummy will be back in a minute - she replied - shes not my mummy.

The Woman was also eastern European so I've obviously been racist assuming she was the parent*
Well no, a woman with a child has asked you to look after the child, so you infer from the situation, regardless of physical characteristics, that they are mother and child.

In the OP's case, some people are looking at a similar situation but, based on skin colour, that they are not related. I think it's racist, particularly given the 'nanny' assumption. Seems like ignorance rather than malice though.

Quote/bold fail :(

LRD, as I mentioned in my Op, I questioned a school mum about her DD who has ginger hair & looks nothing like her. Both are white & I wasn't fishing to find out anything about the girl - I was simply making conversation at the school gate (I assumed she was looking after a friends child, not that the DD was adopted or fishing for any other information).

I don't see how this (or the Ops situation) means people are racist. Nosey, as another poster pointed out, but not racist (& I'd argue not even nosy on my part, simply making small talk).

Benedikte "Am waiting for my DNA results and hoping for something more interesting than just boring old UK ancestry!"

Why would UK ancestry be boring, or more or less boring than any other kind? This also came up on the "where are you REALLY from" thread (if it wasn't so late I'd link but it will take ages to find and I most go to bed). People said they ask about colour and racial heritage because they think it's "interesting" if it's not uk. So I'm a huge let down when I explain I'm london born and bred.

i've been asked many times if all my children are mine/have the same dad, because they have very different colouring (one very dark hair and blueeyes, golden skin, one pale green-eyed redhead, one blonde with a tan and brown eyes) we are all white, they all have the same father. its not racism, its a lack of understanding on how dna works.

LRD, as I mentioned in my Op, I questioned a school mum about her DD who has ginger hair & looks nothing like her. Both are white & I wasn't fishing to find out anything about the girl - I was simply making conversation at the school gate (I assumed she was looking after a friends child, not that the DD was adopted or fishing for any other information).
I'm ginger, both parents had dark hair but, to the best of my knowledge, we never encountered this.

And what's with all the nosiness?

Well, nosiness is a nuisance a lot of the time, but I live in Mexico, where people are by nature nosy and it can be annoying, but they are the same people who will notice if you need a helping hand.

My DH is Indian and I am of Irish descent. I have dark hair, eyes and olive skin though. Our DD looks completely Indian. I used to get asked all the time (in the US) whether she was mine or if I was her nanny. One woman even asked me, in all seriousness, if she could adopt her. I must have looked povo or somesuch. Then my son got a fair gene and he has fair olive skin (fairer than mine), curly brown hair and big hazel eyes. Noone asks anything when it's just me and him out. People often assume I'm my DD's stepmum (there is a six year age gap between the two of them)

My DC are mixed race as DH is Bengali and they are a mix of us both - light brown skin, brown hair and dark eyes, therefore they are not the same colour as either of us. I do find people speculate a lot as to what their ethnicity is and although it usually isn't racist it does get annoying sometimes.

Having said that I have found that sometimes people don't realise they belong to me so when and about some vile people have made racist "off the boat" comments and are shocked when I confront them as they don't realise I'm their mum! I really hate that my beautiful girls can still be judged by their skin tone.

I'm white, so is oh, we both have naturally dark hair. dc2 is white blonde. if we are together people ask if he's ours cos he's so blonde. when oh isn't with us ppl say 'he must take after his dad' who has almost black hair. people just say stupid things and generally mean no harm. try to not let it bother you.

i think its racist, because i would not be asked this question, if i was white or my ds was brown

My friends niece is black and she is white as anything, she is constantly asked if she's her nanny/childminder when out alone with her.

It's a combination of ignorance (assuming you cannot possibly be a blood relative given the differences in appearance) and unconscious bias with a racist undercurrent (assuming that you must be the "inferior" paid help).

Contrary to popular belief (or perhaps just that of the MNers on here looking to downplay it by any means necessary), all because a white person may receive a similar comment does not make it not racist when such a comment is addressed to the OP.

It happened to me all the time when my (much paler than me) DC were younger. It was infuriating and, when it happened often enough in a single day, distressing. After the first few incidents, I did my utmost to pull people up on it.
"Are you their nanny?"
"No, I'm their mother."
"But you don't look like their mother."
"But why would that make you think I look like their nanny?"
"Well, because they don't look like you."
"That's funny - I just remembered that I have a lot of family and friends that don't look like me. I'm clearly losing out on a fat paycheck(!)"

I classed it as similar to people expressing surprise at my career:
"What do you do?"
"I'm an (e.g.) investment banker."
"Oh, you don't look like an investment banker!"
"Really? Wow! Please tell me what an investment banker looks like?"

And also at how I sound when I speak:
"Oh, you're very well spoken!"
"Really? Compared to whom?"

I would be told, they don't mean anything by it, they're just trying to compliment you, so just say thank you. Well, if that really is the case, they need to keep their backhanded compliments to themselves

When recounting these tales, people would make all kinds of excuses to encourage me to brush off the comments as silly/unimportant or dub me "the angry black woman looking for any excuse to be offended", but I disagreed then and still disagree now. I think it's important to challenge ignorance, unconscious bias and racism where you see it.

Saddened to hear that the same shit is still happening to the OP

Atenco, bit surprised at your description of Mexicans but that aside, non nosy people can also spot when someone needs help.

I'm the white parent. The only time it's been questioned is by immigration.
Tho when back in DHs country, and out for dinner with loads of his family, you could see the look on the waiters faces when he worked out who the kids belonged to (ie they were half white, not DHs sisters kids). So I guess he'd worked out the kids looked quite fair, but hadn't associated that immediately with the only white face in the building.

Don't you sometimes ask new people if they're the mum of the child you're chatting about? There are lots of au pairs and childminders around, you don't want to presume they're the mum. I would do this whatever the race of the child, unless the child had used the word ' mum' or something. So, no don't think it's racism.

I suspect the thought process behind the question is more "that child looks nothing like the woman with him - wonder if she's the nanny/CM" rather than "that child is white and the woman with him is Asian, she must be an inferior paid servant".

It sounds more like tactless nosiness than racial discrimination, unless of course they go on to treat you differently or make disparaging comments about race once they've established you are Mum.

My ds is image of me. Fair hair golden skin

My dh is white but has dark hair olive skin and green eyes.
I have been asked in public "is he his" and dh has been asked are you sure he's yours!

Not racist just comments on differences. Rude but not racist.