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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

racial discrimination or AIBU???

281 replies

hollowsorrow · 21/09/2016 21:30

Hello everyone, so dh is white, i am brown and we have a 7 month old ds who looks completely white too, blonde hair, green eyes. So when i am out and about with him people(all women so far) start talking to me about my ds and then ask me if i am his nanny/caregiver. The first time i was asked i was taken aback till that time i had never actually thought about the colour difference between my ds and I. I am actually very offended and hurt when people ask me this question and I keep wondering is it just because of the skin colour or are there any other signs. Have other people had this experience and what happens if the colours reversed white women and coloured child? Anyways AIBU or are people just being racist???

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/09/2016 22:21

If you were blonde with a dark baby I would think you're his nanny.

Which would be a bit racist, surely?

You do know that mixed race couples are not infertile, right?

Chikara · 21/09/2016 22:23

And as I have said twice - I have also been asked it. And still am!!! And the DC father is always asked as he is, and looks, older. No-one assumes he is the dad.

YeOldMa · 21/09/2016 22:23

Presumably if people questioning whether you are Mum, they are not assuming they can't be yours because you have different skin colour therefore they aren't being racist. People aren't usually looking to offend so you'd probably be a lot happier not to look for offence.

SoftFluffyTowel · 21/09/2016 22:23

The racist aspect here is that they assume you are a nanny. If the situation was reversed they would probably assume that you had adopted the child. Ie people would assume that a white person has paid a non-white person to look after their child but not vice versa. (Not saying that everyone will think this, just that this is more likely to happen.) I think this is more a case of subconscious bias, than direct discrimination, so I don't think it is worth getting too annoyed at the people asking the questions. But we can hope for a better world by the time our children are grown up!

beardedladydragon · 21/09/2016 22:24

I don't think is racist at all. I would never comment on such a thing but would have probably wondered. This is purely ignorance based on my knowledge (or lack of) of genes. I had always assumed that skin colour and hair colour acted in the same way as eye colour I.e. the dark colour is the dominant one. Having just googled this I have realised this is not the case at all.

Original poster
hollowsorrow · 21/09/2016 22:24

ThreeSheetsToTheWind we live in London, thats why i am quite shocked, it is very multicultural where we live and thats why i was not expecting such questions. If i was in a smaller town/village elsewhere i would expect people to ask such questions because its probably not as common as here.

OP posts:
citybushisland · 21/09/2016 22:25

Try being separated from your children at immigration, including your b/f baby. To be interrogated, despite all passports being in order, all with the same name, however husband NOT travelling with you, thankfully I had all our birth certificates and my marriage one, plus baby scans etc (we were moving back to UK from overseas, I'm not weird). They basically thought I had abducted my kids, children were distraught at being kept from me. No apology though, and yes it was racist.

mnpeasantry · 21/09/2016 22:25

YANBU. I think it's usually safer to assume that the person with the child is the parent/s.

For me I would never ask an older person if the child in their care is their grandchild rather than their child and would do the same if I saw a parent / child not seeming to be of the same ethnicity.

RebelRogue · 21/09/2016 22:26

Chikara were you or the dad ever specifically asked if you are the nanny/caregiver?

Original poster
hollowsorrow · 21/09/2016 22:27

SoftFluffyTowel i realise that it might not be direct discrimination, in the beginning i just ignored it but i think it just got to the point where its happening everyday now and its just beginning to really bother me.

OP posts:
RebelRogue · 21/09/2016 22:28

Peasantry i assume op means nanny as a child carer rather than grandmother

Lorelei76 · 21/09/2016 22:29

OP we are asked in London too. I swear things have gone backwards recently.

LittleWing, yes it is just like that thread and that was an annoying thread too, why should I be treated as an object of curiosity etc etc. I'm hoping those of us who were pissed off on that thread will find this one too as I am surprised again by the responses.

Original poster
hollowsorrow · 21/09/2016 22:29

citybushisland that sounds awful, i just think i need to be prepared for this in the future.

OP posts:
VforVienetta · 21/09/2016 22:29

But LRD they aren't necessarily assuming the OP can't have a blond child, they're most likely weighing it up whether it's probable.

We all make assumptions every day, about almost everything, if we fully researched and fact checked every thought or action we'd never get anything done/said!

In some areas, a woman of one obvious race with a child of an apparently different race will 9/10 times be a nanny or CM.
In other areas, they will be more likely to be parent and child.
And sometimes, these areas of experience overlap.

People making an 'educated guess' aren't necessarily being racist (tho some might be), it's just one part of looking dissimilar to your family.
My DSis and I look nothing alike and people are always shocked that we're sisters - if we had even more completely different skin tones I would take no more offence than I do now.

My mixed race DC look similar enough to me that people don't ask if they're mine, but instead ask "what else they have in them" - it's just curiosity.

However OP I can imagine that it would feel hurtful to be regularly asked if your DC is yours, I'm sorry it upsets you.

justabigdisco · 21/09/2016 22:31

I think there is a racist undercurrent, yes. I'm white and my DC are mixed race. Yes people casually ask about their dad as they wonder why they look different to me. However not once has anyone asked me whether I am their nanny, and that I think, is the point. White woman with dark children - she must be a mum and their dad is black/Asian. Dark woman with fair child - she must be the paid help.

Lorelei76 · 21/09/2016 22:31

Ps hollow I don't blame you for being annoyed, how do you phrase your reply when people ask this?

MsJamieFraser · 21/09/2016 22:31

Sorry OP I don't think they are being racist.

Maybe I'm behind the times, I always thought you called a black person a black person, not identify the person as brown/coloured?

Longdistance · 21/09/2016 22:31

I agree, not racist.

My dd's are complete polar opposites. One blonde, and pale and pasty, the other dark haired and olive. I get asked am I the childminder Hmm

I'm dark, Dh is pale and blonde, we just have one of each 😜

IhatchedaSnorlax · 21/09/2016 22:32

I don't think it's racist - you don't look like your child ( from the sound of it) so people are asking about your relationship.

FWIW, there's a (white) mum at school who has a ginger-haired DD who looks nothing like her - when we first met, I asked her if she was minding the DC for a friend Blush.

She wasn't offended in the slightest & we laugh about it now (but they honestly look nothing alike that you'd never think they were related, never mind mother / daughter!).

LRDtheFeministDragon · 21/09/2016 22:35

But LRD they aren't necessarily assuming the OP can't have a blond child, they're most likely weighing it up whether it's probable.

Of course - that's the point, isn't it?

Obviously, if you have a child with someone of a different race, you throw off everyone's expectations about what is 'probable'.

The same is true if you adopt.

Yet people still insist on judging without taking race into account - as if people only ever have children with other people of the same race.

To my mind, that expectation - that mixed race marriages never happen - is racist. It can be very innocently understood, of course. I am absolutely not saying it is the same kind of racism that has people blowing up babies or burning down schools. But it is racism.

Original poster
hollowsorrow · 21/09/2016 22:36

Lorelei76 well the first few times i just said that i am his mum, but recently i am so annoyed by this question, i have just asked them why are they asking me this question.

MsJamieFraser i am sorry i dont understand what you mean, i said brown because my skin colour is brown, i am from south asian

OP posts:
Narnia72 · 21/09/2016 22:37

My experience of mixed race children is that they tend to have darker skin than their "white" parent and lighter skin than their "black" parent. I've not seen a mixed race child who is totally white before, especially with the colouring you describe ( light hair and green eyes). So although I wouldn't necessarily assume nanny I would initially think no blood relation, based on colouring. I would hope that wasn't a racist thought, just an obviously erroneous conclusion based on my limited knowledge of genetics.

canary1 · 21/09/2016 22:38

I don't believe it's racism, but it is rather annoying. I get it frequently with my DD, I am white, she is brown, I have been asked many times if I am the nanny/ childminder/ is she mine etc. Hope that's helpful... people are just ignorant about genetics and extremely nosy, wanting to know your 'story'. It sure irritates me...

SleepFreeZone · 21/09/2016 22:38

I honestly think people just blurt things out. If you feel it is racist then I think you have every right to call it racist. The other person would no doubt disagree but it doesn't mean you're not right.

VladmirsPoutine · 21/09/2016 22:38

I find the morbid curiosity rather wearing. I'm mixed race and have faced questions about my ethnicity all my life. I know it's not all racism but the idea of mixed relationships as something novel in this day and age is ridiculous.