To get annoyed when people say I had an easy labour?

[g1nthemystery]

AIBU that every time someone hears that my labour lasted 3 and 1/2 hours it really annoys me that they always say something like "oh a nice/easy one/lucky you/I'm jealous" you get the idea.

Does anyone else have this? My labour was pretty horrific - I went straight from no labour to suddenly established labour. It was agony, I had no time for drugs, and it happened so quickly that there were multiple complications right at the end.

The whole episode left me and DP pretty traumatised - DP went from wanting 3 kids to just the one simply because he never wanted me to go through it again!

Usually I reply along the lines of: "not really."

I get every labour is different and difficult in their own ways, guess I'm just irked that people assume I got off lightly and am somehow lucky because it happened in less time.

I had 4 one hour long labours and one 12 hour labour (from established labour but 36 hours as I had a long latent phase I think it is called)

From nothing to birth it felt like, barely made it in on time. My body did go into shock afterwards and mentally it was a bit of a mind fuck to think that I was sitting at home pregnant just an hour before. I got up straight after birth and went home after 4 hours feeling great.

So compared to many people's they were easy. The pain was very intense but it didn't last that long. It fucking hurt but an hour of that pain was manageable.

My first was a ventouse delivery and an epidural which meant I couldn't feel anything and pushed for two hours before they gave up. I would take my other 4 1 hour labours with gas and air over that any day.

However, your birth was clearly traumatic for you so the quickness of the birth means nothing when it comes to the ease.

It's the exact same amount of work smushed into a few hours

This! Another very fast labourer here. I was traumatised after my first 4.5 hour water birth. The midwifes described it as "lovely", I still had nightmares months later. It doesn't really annoy me though. Midwifes must see some truly horrific birth experiences where baby or mother are in danger. That wasn't the case for me, so yes, I do count myself lucky.

If it's any consolation OP, my second labour was even faster (less than an hour) but not at all traumatic. I guess I knew what was coming and it wasn't as bad as u remembered? Perhaps the second time around hurts less?

My quickest labour as in first contractions to fully dilated was the only one to end in an emergency c section. The pain up until being taken to theatre was the worst pain ever I'd have actually chose death at that point

People like to make sure you know their labour experience was worse than yours (i find anyway) so just nod and agree. If they need that to feel good, whatevs!!

I too was told I wasn't a real mum for having ac-section so I never make assumptions based on length or types of delivery. Smile at' 'em through gritted teeth & just let it pass you by (not rtht BTW so sorry if repeating PP)

I had 2,horrendous labours , they are mine to remember and deal with . Everyone has their own birth experience X Don't let other people upset you X

Also, I remember an old colleague of DM had v fast labours. She had to get in the car at the very first twinge & head for the hospital. 1st she made it to the labour ward (40 mi drive, book in, up the stairs), 2nd to thee corridor and 3rd just through the hospital doors. Being an insensitive teen I stupidly said 'oh that must have been nice: I was groqlwed ayt and she offered to remove a few teeth for me without any pain relief, asked if I thought that might hurt then told !w to imagine that, 100 times worse, while pooping out a watermelon. Which might, possibly, come to about half the pain level. Never said anything so daft ever again

YABU. There are far more important things to get annoyed about. Giving birth isn't a competition to see who had the hardest or easiest.

YANBU as only you yourself are in a position to know how traumatic your own labour was. However I fear I have been guilty of thinking this. With my first labour I had a back to back baby with massive further complications and it was agony. I went from zero contractions to instantly powerful ones with no gaps between (so just like yours I guess) but then due to complications this went on for 25 hours. And ended in theatre, but not c-section, with horrific pain, very bad damage to both myself and my baby, blood transfusions, weeks in hospital, still haemorrhaging 2 weeks later etc.
so i think I have been guilty of wishing that mine had been the same pain and trauma but over less time than 25 hours.
I did go on to have more kids, but we waited a while. I think DH was also too traumatised.
I hope you don't hear this too much though, to your face, as this is annoying to be told that!

YANBU. I've probably been guilty of saying /thinking that before (I had a five day back to back labour ending in EMCS, so would have preferred a bit of speed in mind) but I imagine that is really scary actually and sorry you found it so traumatic.

People say the most crass things OP.

I had a very premature baby and distinctly remember someone saying 'lucky you that you didn't have to get really big in the heat of the summer' , , .

I actually said - 'Did you listen to what you just said? My baby has spent three bloody months in intensive care' ..... there was no recovery.

It's the whole "competitive pain/illness" thing, but people can't just be happy with saying "mine is harder" - they have to say "yours wasn't hard". God knows the motive behind it. All labour is hard, that's why it's called labour, and the way someone's body deals with it says nothing about them as people.

The midwives said I made giving birth look easy - DD was out in three pushes, 9 minutes (in fairness I'd been at 10cm for approx two hours by this point and physically trying to hold DD in because I thought she was a poo, sorry DD ), after going from 4-10cm very quickly.

I think they'd conveniently forgotten that getting me to 4cm had taken a few days in a long, drawn-out early induction at 37 weeks.

I have great memories of the birth and really do look back on it with happy memories (I've said I'd rather do birth every day for 40 weeks than have a pregnancy like my first one!) but when talking about the birth with my friends, they often take that to mean that it wasn't difficult/I had an easy time of it. If it wasn't difficult, they wouldn't call it labour.

And as for c-sections "not being real births" or "being the easy way out", I have a non-cesarean scar on my stomach that is 22 years old. It has been with me since I was 4 months old and I still have trouble with it; it still gets painful and uncomfortable. Recovery from surgery can be a lifelong process, and c-section ladies just get on with it. Metal as fuck.

YABU. There are far more important things to get annoyed about. Giving birth isn't a competition to see who had the hardest or easiest.

For a lot of women, giving birth leaves them utterly traumatised physically and mentally. They're not "annoyed". We should be allowed to talk about it and say "me too".

So much of the rhetoric around birth (well, vaginal births with minimal drugs) is that it's beautiful and empowering and you feel on cloud nine afterwards.

Not my experience. I had a largely textbook labour: not too long, not too fast, water birth, gas and air. In some circles that would be a dream birth. Not for me. I suffered a third degree tear and thought I would go out of my mind with the pain of the contractions. My waters didn't break until just before delivery and I felt like I might tear in half as I pushed (it was actually the experience of pushing out a full bag of waters plus baby - felt like a rucksack rather than a bowling ball).

Second time around I begged for a c section because, third degree tear aside, I didn't want to experience another contraction.

I was traumatised after my first 4.5 hour water birth. The midwifes described it as "lovely", I still had nightmares months later.

I had a very quick drug free water birth too. Every midwife who read my notes afterwards said "oh so you had a lovely water birth"...

It doesn't help that there are various videos doing the rounds of perfect, serene, scream-free water births. Mine was more shark-attack like

Just to add I ended up having a spinal anaesthetic afterwards to stitch me back up. Where was this when I was begging for an epidural during labour!?

I love labour stories

yanbu. I get this all the time too. All three of my labours were quick. First and third were fine though (4 hours and 2.5 hours). My second was less than an hour and was by far the worst! My body went into shock. The whole experience made me very anxious about the birth of dc3 but luckily she wasn't in such a hurry to get out!

It's even happening here, though. People saying "oh I had a 20 hour labour and I'd swap for yours in a heartbeat". Even though the OP has said she's upset by it.

It's not a fucking competition. This is why people end up feeling shit about how they give birth.

I had a 37 hour labour, EMCS which ended in GA and DD and I both very ill. It was so so traumatic. I feel terrible about it still, even five years later, even after counselling. My friend gave birth last weekend and I wept the whole weekend as I was so freaked out by the thought of someone I loved in labour.

So those of you saying you had a bad time and you'd swap in a moment - there are people here saying they had short labours and were really traumatised. Have a bit of empathy. Don't treat it like a competition. Some people have a terrible time giving birth. Don't be the cunt who makes it worse.

Well said everybody!

I totally understand where you are coming from. My first 2 labours were 6 hours of gradually stronger contractions and so I felt I could stay on top of the pain & breathe through it & then had G&S when it got harder to cope.
No 3 was 2h start to finish. I went from no contractions to one after the other with no break to catch some breath. There was no gradual build up & no chance for my natural endorphins to kick in. I had planned a home birth with her & the mw only just made it, so no pain relief. I completely lost control and screamed the place down. I would much much prefer a 6h labour again.
No4 was 3hours, but I was sort of prepared and called the mw quicker + I did have a build up, albeit a fairly quick one, so I managed to cope much better.
Shorter most definitely does not necessarily equal better!

People need to stop believing the (NHS lead) bull shit idea that the facts and figures of a labour are important in determining the impact on the mother.

Being tortured for 5 mins could shatter a persons mental health.

The duration isn't important, the list of interventions isn't important, the environment isn't important, even planned CS versus emergency doesn't make that much difference.

What matters is the actual real effect of the process on the mothers physical and mental health - and you cannot guess that from the facts and figures.

People need to not ask how the labour went in the first place. Then, if they are for some reason listening to a mother recount their experience, they should bear in mind that they can't assume or guess the mother's response to the experience from the facts and figures. People should also bear in mind that many mothers feel compelled to talk about their births precisely because it is a trauma they are attempting to process.

People should listen sympathetically and be supportive regardless of how it might compare to their own or others experiences.

I think, as with many things, there is a bit of a culture of "childbirth one-upmanship" amongst mums these days. Whether it's the longest, fastest, most painful or life threatening, everyone always seems to have a story that is more "something" than the last. Yes, women should be allowed to discuss and get support from one another in regards to their labour but all too often it seems to have become yet another stick to beat ourselves and others with, another thing to compare and be judged by, and that is just ridiculous.

I won't talk about my birth story as I think it was pretty average in most respects and comments I've had about it range from "well that was easy!" (midwife who delivered dd) to "oh dear you had a bad time of it didn't you?" (lovely gp when I asked for more painkillers at my 6 week check). At the end of the day, the only person who really knows how hard or easy my labour was is me. I wouldn't say I was traumatised and obviously the end result was amazing, but I found it absolutely terrifying, exhausting and it fucking hurt more than anything that's ever happened to me before. For completely unrelated reasons dh and I have decided to stop at only one child, but I have to say that not having to live with the prospect of giving birth again is a definite upside!

So no, OP, YANBU, and the only one qualified to say that your labour was easy or otherwise, is you.

My daughter is in her forties, she was my first child. I can't tell how many hours I was in Labour, cms dilated would have been a mystery, in fact I knew little of what was happening apart from being on my own, in horrific pain whilst also being sick.

Eventually I was given an epidural. Id no idea what it was, in 1970 they werent commonplace. My daughter was born with forceps, but I was out of it by then. Didnt know about the numerous stitches till the next day. Kept in for a week, and a blood transfusion to replace what id lost. It was my gp who gave me some info, the baby had arrested in transverse position but they hadn't spotted the problem until things got complicated. She said we were lucky that we were both ok. I found it upsetting, but as we were just expected to get on with things back then, i suppose i did. Fortunately the birth of my second child wasn't such a horrific experience, after the first I didn't think a few stitches were too bad! Everyone is affected differently, I would just say at least be aware that
information is more readily shared now.

Labour is shit however it goes. Quite frankly if I'm reincarnated as a female creature I hope I lay eggs.

I feel for you. Mine was 1.5 hours.

Waters went at 33w, three night admission, steroid injections, scans, antibiotics and charts to fill out.
Induced at 34w. Pessary didn't work so put on a drip which was turned up too fast. Labour started at 9pm. Drip disconnected, too late. No contractions, just constant pain. Given paracetemol (??!!). Not enough time for epidural. Lost babies heart beat on wired monitors, machine not recording contractions. Had no pushing sensation, just horrific constant pain. Clip on babies head, offered gas and air (think they forgot it was there), call out on intercom for Drs, epesiotomy and vontouse. Baby born 10.27pm. Anesthetic didn't reach outer layer of skin, felt every stitch and unable to have a top up.

NICU for DS for 5 days, wheelchair for me for two days, I was discharged after three, readmitted the next day, discharged same day, readmitted via blue light the next day - BP 200/110, then had to stay in and had DS with me on the ward until he was well enough to go home 8 days later - all tubes removed and feeding on his own.

A total of 17 nights in hospital for me and 14 for DS.

Short labour = YES
Easy = HELL NO!

Plus the bonding and healing issues for you and baby after traumatic birth/prem/NICU no one can warn you about

every time someone hears that my labour lasted 3 and 1/2 hours

Every time? How often does this come up? Was your birth very recent? You don't need to give out this information in order to make friends with other new mothers. Don't engage with people who ask about the birth. It's none of their business.