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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you give up your surname of you got married?

925 replies

windowt · 18/09/2016 20:27

I'm so undecided Sad

OP posts:
Thefishewife · 21/09/2016 12:28

Yes if you a boots and all feminist why are you getting married in the first place

And in general children don't like members of there family haveing Diffrent names

Creativemode · 21/09/2016 12:35

Wtf is a boots and all feminist?

I asked my husband if he'd like to change his name for the sake of our children, he was more worried his mates would laugh and his dad would be cross.

NewPotatoes · 21/09/2016 12:42

Yes if you a boots and all feminist why are you getting married in the first place

Peering through what little sense I can make from this (boots?), I would suggest that many women recognise that marriage (or drawing up a legal document approximating as far as possible the legal rights and entitlements of marriage) is an important legal protection for women, especially those who are left economically and professionally vulnerable by becoming a SAHM with a financially controlling or abusive partner, or should a partner to whom they are not married die without making proper provision.

NoBetterName · 21/09/2016 12:45

Last time I went through passport control on my own with the ds's (aged 11 and 8) was in August. We got the Eurostar to Belgium and back. Even though I had all my papers (and signed letter from dh etc) with me, passport control only asked ds2 who I am. They seem to more often question dh (same surname, different nationality than the dc) than me (different surname, same nationality). Hopefully the dc will soon have dual nationality though anyway.

BeyondASpecialSnowflake · 21/09/2016 12:46

I asked DH if he would change his name. He said no, he likes his name and wouldn't want to change it or hyphenate, as he often hyphenates his middle name (which he does really do - think southern "Jim-bob" kind of thing)

He says he would not be bothered by what other men or his dad thought (though I'd understand if he did - he was brought up by a single dad), and places no expectation (allegedly..) on women to change their name either.

DioneTheDiabolist · 21/09/2016 14:33

My ExH would have been delighted to take my name. He thought it was "cool". I told him that me and any DCs we would have would have his name. As for symbolism, fuck that, my rather common married name has granted me very real liberation.

DioneTheDiabolist · 21/09/2016 15:14

What do you mean by "heavy lifting" Bert?Confused

BeyondASpecialSnowflake · 21/09/2016 15:18

Perhaps the way forward is swapping names?

Then flip a coin for each child?

staceysadz · 21/09/2016 15:21

My brother and I have different surnames, both different from our mum. Pretty sure we're still family.

I kept my surname when I got married, kids will have his surname. Each to their own, but imo double-barrelling is ridiculous, esp 2/3 generations down the line. Two if my friends tried to combine their surnames into one, they weren't allowed for whatever reason, but I liked that idea, very practical.

elvesareneverhappy · 21/09/2016 16:22

When I got married, I made my maiden name my middle name and changed my surname to DH's because for complicated reasons, he can't change his. What made it an easier choice was that his name is actually his mother's. His father changed his name when they married in the 70s because his mother couldn't change hers.

Helmetbymidnight · 21/09/2016 16:56

Where can I get these boots?

WittyPutDown · 21/09/2016 17:34

Betrand
"I just chose the prettiest of the two surnames. Mine was a clunker. His is delightful"

It's amazing how often that happens.............

😂 I really wish I could tell you my maiden name. I'm 99% sure that you would understand why I was happy to change to DHs distinguished sounding surname.

BeyondASpecialSnowflake · 21/09/2016 18:09

Helmet, I think they're just DMs!! Grin

Canyouforgiveher · 21/09/2016 18:28

😂 I really wish I could tell you my maiden name. I'm 99% sure that you would understand why I was happy to change to DHs distinguished sounding surname.

I've known names like that :) but I guess the point is it didn't occur to your father to change his awful name to your mother's name.

NataliaOsipova · 21/09/2016 19:31

Aah - the boots! That's another reason for my list Bertrand - I'm a high heels and lipstick girl all the way. (Germaine Greer would have a field day with me! Smile)

DioneTheDiabolist · 22/09/2016 00:56

I don't think it's that amazing Bert, I think it's a fairly predictable response on threads like these. Women who gave consideration to name changing will come on and give their reasons.

DioneTheDiabolist · 22/09/2016 00:59

Are you unaware of Self Selecting Groups?

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 22/09/2016 01:22

Certainly not no. I'm proud of my name. Why should I give it up

itsbetterthanabox · 22/09/2016 01:44

Thefishwife
No children don't care...
They'd only care if you told them to! They learn this crap from adults.
Also you don't have to take his name to all have the same name. Using both surnames, him taking yours or creating a new name are all options that give you both plus children the same name.

LellyMcKelly · 22/09/2016 06:49

No, he has a horrible surname. I love my name.

HeCantBeSerious · 22/09/2016 07:27

My kids love that they have both DH and my names in there (mine's a middle name rather than a surname). Having grown them I don't need to share a surname with them to feel bonded to them or for that matter to DH. Never any issues with school or travelling etc.

fakenamefornow · 22/09/2016 09:18

Heard on the radio yesterday that 94% of women still change their name when marrying. I don't know if that includes those who hyphenate or just ones that take husbands name. 94% give their child the dads name.

AdaLovelacesCat · 22/09/2016 09:19

really fakename? Interesting. It would seem that that 6 per cent are all on this forum!
I simply could not understand my SIL giving her kids his name, when he had not even made the commitment of marriage.

Creativemode · 22/09/2016 09:49

I'm not sure that 96% is correct fakename I've read that 1/3 of women keep their maiden name.

I suspect that the figure is lower because the UK is quite multicultural and is isn't always custom for women to name change.

I don't know if there is any official data.

fakenamefornow · 22/09/2016 09:58

Radio 4 yesterday (maybe the day before) they had a whole programme about names. I didn't catch all of it, just bits in the car, but they said that was the latest figures they had.

Actually one bit I did get wrong was that 94% of children are given dads' last name, it was 96%.