Would you give up your surname of you got married?

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I'm so undecided

I haven't changed my surname, because it's my professional name and what I'm identified through, on paper. Also, we are both Drs and so Dr Bounty and Dr Bounty in one household is one too many.

I don't have the same surname as my children, so I just write (mum to X) on letters I write to the school. It hasn't ever caused any confusion, although now when travelling, I would have to carry a letter to state my husband gives me permission to travel as we do get questioned more about who is whose parent at passport control.

No. But if your surname is Hoare-Cox and you're marrying a man called Cooper or something normal then all the rules go out the window

Hoare-Cox... or Skidmark-Browning

My mum claims she turned down a nice man because his sur name was Boggs. He later changed it to Browne as it happens. With an e but without the skidmark!

It's not just symbolic. It's part of a mindset.

" I would have to carry a letter to state my husband gives me permission to travel as we do get questioned more about who is whose parent at passport control."

oh yes my SIL had that problem once when we were coming into the UK. Luckily her babyfather was also in the queue....but it was quite serious, mother and son to have different names on the passport.

It's not just symbolic. It's part of a mindset.

Ok. I'll buy that. But - to revert to my previous analogy, so is the reinstatement of clause 4. Or the re nationalisation of the railways. But you're a Labour voter, trying to garner support for that isn't tactical and it won't help you win. Same with this if you're a feminist. Didn't someone share the statistic that 80% of married women change their name? So it's not popular - at least, not at the moment. In your shoes, I'd ditch the battle and look for the issue that will help you win the war.

In other words 'pipe down'.

It is illegal to take a child out of the UK without permission of the other parent who has PR. In practice, though, they only tend to bother asking you if the names aren't the same, or the parent traveling is male, my husband has been pulled to one side with the children when I wasn't there, even though they all share the same name. We just carry letters stating that we give each other permission to travel, although the letters are just on ordinary paper and I guess could easily be forged. There's been a lot of tightening up around abduction.

I did not even know that when I used to swan about with the kids, and was never asked. Their dad did not give a toss anyway.

I have a different surname to my dc. When I travel with them, I carry a standard form which says that dh gives consent for us to travel. No-one has ever asked to see it. The closest I got was the passport control asking ds2, "is this lady your mum?" to which he said, "yes". I said, "I have birth certificates and a letter from their dad", but she just said, "that's OK. You have two young people here who are much more reliable at identifying you".

I choose not to take my dh's name. Other people choose to do so. Either way is fine. What I don't like is people who assume that I am Mrs. DHname without asking (in any case, we're both Dr., so it would be Dr. DHname and Dr. DHname, like Bounty and that would get very confusing!).

Never, ever, had a single problem at passports with children with different names. And I used to travel masses as a single parent.

Never ever had a single problem at school with children with different names.

Natalya- can I ask why you're not a feminist?

" Never, ever, had a single problem at passports with children with different names. And I used to travel masses as a single parent. "

That could depend where and how you are travelling. The scenario I referred to was coming in overland from Central Europe (or Eastern Europe as people like to call it).

In my family we are all Creativesmodes, I have brothers and sisters, my sisters didn't change their name, her boys are also Creativemodes and one has passed that to his child, my boys are Creativemode-Hisname. My brothers children are all Creativemodes too.

People have taken great pleasure in telling me that only my brother is a real Creativemode anyway and how it was only my fathers name so never mine.

It confuses the hell out of them when I ask whether my sisters sons are real Creativemodes given it was their mothers maiden name. They have no answer for that one.

Bertrand because, like you, I agree with what you call the "heavy lifting" definition of the term. And my own life choices are so radically different from that - or from what that would imply. Does that make sense? (It's a bit the same as a chap I knew who was a gay evangelical Christian. I have absolutely no problem with anyone's sexual orientation or religious belief - but I struggled to understand how he could feel that he belonged (or wanted to belong) to a group whose beliefs would label him a sinner.). I suspect that you would look at me in a similar light (in the nicest possible way!) if I claimed to be a feminist.....

I know you weren't asking me but I'd have to disagree with that.

We all make choices. I wear make up, my so has asked me why I'm painting my face with that stuff, he's asked why men don't wear make up.

It doesn't mean you shouldn't believe in equality and try to make a difference where you can.

I do believe in equality - but I also believe that men and women are different and that a failure to recognise that (in some situations) is counterproductive. I don't accept the notion of overarching patriarchal hegemony; I think change (in legislation and in attitudes) has come about because of evolving economic circumstances. I would like to see further change (and I think there is a good economic argument for it), but if I am oppressed in any way it's by those economic circumstances rather than by "men". But I'm rambling a bit now...

Love the idea of someone solemnly saying "it's very important that we all have the same name just in case we ever travel overland from Central Europe......."

I did have problems travelling when newly married and hadn't changed my passport. The problem being that DH didn't have a woman with him when he took DS (same surname) through. They were fine once they saw me, even though my passport was still in my maiden name

I just chose the prettiest of the two surnames. Mine was a clunker. His is delightful.

Married him for the name really.

(not really.)

(...really.)

Those saying they didn't have problems in the past at passport control, yes, they've recently tightened up on the Hague convention in response to this, so if it was ten years ago, good for you, but if you go through now, you may well be stopped so you need to be able to prove parental responsibility and permission. I was stopped just last week with my family (luckily dad with same name was there). I really think others could benefit from knowing this!

That's all fine regarding problems travelling.

It still doesn't answer the question why men don't change their names more often.

If your husband takes your name and the children take your name then problem solved right?

In over 700 posts the only person that has been able to answer that question said its because it's "haha" that men should change their names and that women that don't change theirs have their heads up their arses.

Oh certainly I have been asked in the past, 'who is this?' - and the DC have said either Mum. if with me, or Step-dad.

I wouldn't have classed this as a great problem though. Although I have admittedly, not gone overland through Central Europe with them.

I flew twice with the kids this summer (without DH) and no one was asked anything/anywhere.

"I just chose the prettiest of the two surnames. Mine was a clunker. His is delightful"

It's amazing how often that happens.............