Would you give up your surname of you got married?

[windowt]

I'm so undecided

What specific damage was done to other women when I chose to change my name?

Dione, you are perpetuating the remnants of an archaic patriarchal assumption that the woman is legally subsumed into her husband's legal and financial identity on marriage, as symbolised by her taking his name.

I wouldn't worry about Dione its only mumsnet feminists who get het up about it. In real life nobody gives a shit what anyone else does and rightly so.

Ratley what rubbish. I am a real life person. People don't tend to speak about these things in rl mumsnet just gives people a platform.

Anything which perpetuates the patriarchy is indirectly-or directly- damaging to women.

Bertrand I love this as a soundbite - but the problem with this sort of statement is that it can be used to mean anything the writer wants! What exactly do you define as "the patriarchy"? It seems like a very broad, overarching concept to me. What is it and how exactly does one perpetuate it?

A PP wrote a list of things which can be considered to be anti feminist; on that basis, doing any of those things is "damaging to women". You could go full circle and argue that extreme feminist rhetoric is damaging to women as it causes many of them to reject any sort of feminist agenda as not for them and therefore helps to perpetuate the patriarchy.....

I know a Hiscock and a Mycock...

I made a choice that was beneficial to me. In making that choice I did not cause any woman to be subsumed into anything. I have not damaged mine, or any other woman's rights, health or prospects by making the choice I did.

It doesn't matter though. The fact I chose to take my husband's name doesn't effect you, the fact you chose to keep your surname doesn't effect me.
It's actually, in my opinion, anti-feminist to push your viewpoint that my choice damages other women because if changing surnames was suddenly banned that would be taking a choice away from women.
Feminism should be about the freedom to choose not a purely anti "patriarchy" movement that assumes anyone who makes a traditional choice in any aspect of their lives is somehow damaging other women.

I guess for every person who does it because they are happy with it, a child sees that as being the 'norm' and status quo is maintained. Writing as someone who (right now anyway) has my DHs name.

I live on a scabby council estate and have had this conversation in RL btw (initiated by someone else fwiw), it's not just MN feminists

But loads of those things are damaging to women! I think that is the point.

Perhaps the problem here is people feel individually pointed out and judged. It is the overall message that name changing being a completely feminine issue that concerns me. The millions of women changing their name perpetuates that, it is obviously not the fault of the individual.

But I, and I am sure all feminists, make non feminist decisions all the time. The fact that I compromise and make them doesn't mean they don't contribute to an overall damaging message.

And I'm aware that I am compromising and contributing to this damaging message. Even though there are probably loads of specific reason for me making that decision. For lots of people, that will be name changing. I don't think anyone is saying you're a bad person if that's your compromise.

I was delighted to get rid of my bloody awful maiden name and my dh has a particularly good surname.

Had I had the good name and he the bad one, we would've taken mine. It was important to us that we shared a name and our children had that name - and can't be doing with any made up double barrelled stuff.

No I didn't give up my surname when i got married. When it came to it, I just couldn't do it. So after almost thirteen years of marriage i still have my surname and the kids have DH's surname. Only problem is that when I am travelling by myself with the kids, I always need to take a copy of the kids births certificates as I have been challenged about the different surname at airports.

Hmm, love how random pipers post is after natalias.

I actually think most of the things on diones list are not feminist.

Pretty much anything that a woman is expected to do that a man isn't. Apart from the things that are biologically impossible. Anything that might be a pain in the arse but men are excused from doing, women 'might' be criticised for not doing.

It doesn't mean that I don't do some of those things but it also doesn't mean that sexism isn't all around and all these things contribute to it.

Ratley, that is my experience too, in RL no one actually asks because no one gives a shit. And I would be suspicious of anyone who did ask me in RL.

And exactly what drylice said.

Ratley I don't fully agree with that - just because we don't live in a vacuum. Individual choices at the micro level combine to make what are seen as societal norms...which in turn, can put pressure on the individual as to how she should behave/live her life etc. So - if you support an extreme feminist agenda, your/my decision to take our husbands' names on marriage is akin to someone voting Tory to someone who supports a Jeremy Corbyn style socialist view of the world.

That said - I would not define myself as a feminist and am perfectly happy with my own choice to be Mrs DH!

It's not the name changing itself that I think is damaging, it's the concept of this fairly significant decision being only considered by women.

I'm not championing a new world order where men are treated like women have traditionally been, just equality.

No gardengeek it's only damaging because only women are expected to do it.

If it was 50\50 it wouldn't matter.

Exactly, it's not like anyone wants to take the vote off men in revenge.

I just want the same expectations to be placed on males and females alike.

What is so hard about that to understand?

It's damaging to women BECAUSE only women are expected to do it.

Someone help me out here fgs

12 years post-marriage I still have people (family members etc) who think I didn't really mean it when I said I was keeping my name. Why? Because the societal expectation is that a woman's name is disposable.

Until it's no longer an automatic assumption by random strangers that I share a surname with my DH, this is a conversation I'll keep having (here and in RL).