Would you give up your surname of you got married?

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I'm so undecided

I have taken my husband's surname both times I married. It was entirely my choice and I felt it was the right thing to do regardless of whether we had children.

My DH is totally alpha male but offered to take my surname in car on the way to the reception after our marriage service. We hadn't discussed it before. I then pointed out that it was actually, technically, my ex husband's surname but that I'd never got round to reverting back to my maiden name. Didn't bother him though!

We are settled on his surname now (took me years to update my previous married name to my current married name).

Btw, I am an ultra feminist and also the breadwinner, with my husband the SAHD, but see no issue in using his surname.

Just do whatever you want and don't worry about posturing or what anyone else thinks.

I wouldn't say any choice is a feminist choice, or that women cannot be unfeminist because they absolutely can. I would say that a choice made in full possession of the facts and background by a woman who isn't being forced, coerced, threatened or pressurised certainly can be, even if the choice she eventually makes is one which aligns with tradition.

Are there women on this thread who were being forced, coerced, threatened or pressurised to change their name? Yes. So I wouldn't say their choice was a feminist one. Neither were those who changed their name because they thought you just had to. But there are other women who weren't pressurised at all regarding name changing and who feel they made an active choice and if that is the case then I think that is a feminist choice.

Yes for the millionth time, if it doesn't matter, why don't men do it?

I know a chap who changed his name to his wife's grandmother's name (family unit type decision). He said he was viewed with the utmost suspicion by work (financial services) and his bank, both of whom seemed to think he was involved in some sort of money laundering! (As an irrelevant aside, the bank cocked up my name change to DH's (sort of half did it), which meant I had to carry my passport and marriage certificate around for 6 months, but at least people took my explanation at face value!). At the moment - because it isn't widely done - it can be difficult. Hence maybe some men are put off the idea? Not sure if this is true based on a sample of 1, obviously!!

I know I am late to the party, but I did.

Not because I fell into the traditional wife role, but because I am estranged from my family and have been since I moved out on my own at 17, and have no emotional connection to the name.

Plus, my DH has a really cool surname (it is the name of a famous pirate, but not Blackbeard )

"Any choice a women chooses is more feminist than un-feminist.
A women cant really be un-feminist."

Bollocks.

As to why men do not do it - in of the provinces here in Canada (Quebec) either spouse has the option of taking the other's surname, so it isn't just the woman changing her name.

I guess it all depends where you are.

Changing your name on marriage.
Wearing make-up.
Being a SAHM.
Having sexual relationships with men.
Removing body hair.
Wearing high heels.
Breast feeding.
Employing a cleaner or nanny.
Not voting.
Not voting the right way.
Getting married.

All of these have been described as "unfeminist" choices by various feminists, yet most of us have done one or many of them. Of course it's ok to discuss these things.

But to judge women for making a different "unfeminist" choice to the ones you make is IMHO a deeply unfeminist choice.

"As to why men do not do it - in of the provinces here in Canada (Quebec) either spouse has the option of taking the other's surname, so it isn't just the woman changing her name"

People have that choice everywhere. How man men change their names in Quebec, out of interest?

"But to judge women for making a different "unfeminist" choice to the ones you make is IMHO a deeply unfeminist choice."

The difficulty here is that it appears to be impossible to say that you think somebody is wrong without being accused of "judging". Accusing somebody of "judging" is a mumsnet shorthand for "shut up and get back in your box" Classic silencing technique,

Natalia that's interesting. I still think that many men would see it unmasculine (even a word?) that take their wives name.

Dione I question some things on your list, even if I do some of them. Breastfeeding though wtf? Nothing wrong with challenging the status quo.

I try not to judge others. I do think it gets silly when there are multiple name changes like Cheryl 3 surnames.

Actually I do think breastfeeding is a feminist issue.

Women don't get enough support and are expecting to return to normal, gets in the way of breastfeeding.

Creative I agree with you, actually - suspect most men wouldn't want to...but it was interesting to hear just how practically difficult it was! Maybe it is something that will become easier in time - male name changing may gather momentum as more women feel they don't want to change their name and the "double barrelled" children start to get married... Even 10 years ago, a SAHD was an incredible rarity and, while not the norm, it is far more accepted than it was. Maybe the same will happen with names?

Bert, posters on this thread have said that they judge women for name changing. Did you miss those posts?

Creative On breastfeeding - interesting point. I've always seen it the other way round, actually - there is a huge expectation that women should breastfeed which (practically) stops them going straight back to work.

See I'm thinking sexualisation of breasts, expectation for women to be up and about and keeping the house tidy, hinders breastfeeding when she could be feeding and resting.

Would make for an interesting discussion but I can just imagine how that one would go on mumsnet.

Natalia yes in England a man has to change by deedpoll whereas a woman can simply send off her marriage certificate afaik.

Creative Can you imagine?!

....and I didn't know that about the deed poll. Interesting!

I kept my name for work and changed it for home. Works for me.

I find breastfeeding to be a massively empowering function personally. It never tied me to my children. Luckily my job worked around it.
I notice those who object to it in my own extended family and in my cultures societal vox pops are usually chauvinistic males. I interpret that as them being intimidated or undermined by the exclusively feminine live-giving function which they will never have.
They attempt to portray it as disgusting or belittle it in an effort to downplay this uniquely feminine skill.

No. It's my name. Why would I change it?

I don't really understand why people do.

BertrandRussell

Choices are not made in a vacuum
Wake up and smell the patriarchy, ladies

Sorry
"choices"

Could you be any more condescending?

I don't think anyone has said that they sat down and thought about it and came to a reasoned decision- although I am sure many do.

I'm pretty sure I did.

Choices are not made in a vacuum
Wake up and smell the patriarchy, ladies

I've already said I dislike that my decision appears to (or does) buy in to patriarchal ideas. I wrote to my friend asking whether I would be a terrible feminist etc. etc. etc. But the decision to change my name was a long time coming for me and one I am happy with overall. I do wish it had been made outside the context of the patriarchy though.