Page 26 | Would you give up your surname of you got married?

NataliaOsipova · 19/09/2016 19:26

Creative I take your point - but, equally, when there are children involved, not changing your name can have consequences too. To be honest, I don't feel "defined" by my name (especially my surname, if you see what I mean) - it's more something that is for administrative purposes. So if we got divorced, I'd probably just use "Mrs DH" (or "Ms DH" maybe!). If I remarried, I'd think about changing again in the context of whether that made life hard for the DCs.

FuzzyCustard · 19/09/2016 19:29

I chose my own surname...I changed it to that of my great grandmother. It felt very empowering and was a major factor in not changing my name on marriage.
Love my DH to bits. Love my surname too!

FuzzyCustard · 19/09/2016 19:30

I chose my own surname...I changed it to that of my great grandmother. It felt very empowering and was a major factor in not changing my name on marriage.
Love my DH to bits. Love my surname too!

LittleBeautyBelle · 19/09/2016 19:30

There are threads like this often, looking for controversy where there is none. It seems some people who are defensive about keeping their name (why? nobody cares) are spoiling for a fight and can't stand anybody who wants to change their name and accuses them of not being a feminist. Nobody cares if you don't change your name. Truly. It is old news keeping your name. Enjoy.

The reason to use a husband's name is not kowtowing to a patriarchal tradition. I'd say the reason is for the family to be united under one name (from either one), one team I guess you'd say. That was my reason. I am independent and secure, being a woman is in itself a powerful position, I don't see men as an enemy. Times are different, it's not something to get up in arms about. I like how my name is, with my name plus my dh's. In other words, do what you want and leave other people alone. They're not any less feminist or strong or independent. That's my view anyway!

itsbetterthanabox · 19/09/2016 19:37

Littlebeautybelle
If people want to have one name for the family then fair enough. But why is it almost always the mans surname then if it isn't a patriarchal tradition?

NiteFlights · 19/09/2016 19:37

I think there are threads like this often because women are still negotiating their way through this stuff. It's not 'old news', far from it.

HapShawl · 19/09/2016 19:39

"My question is, when a child receives two last names from their parents, when they grow up, marry someone with two last names, and they have children, what combination of the four last names would one give?"

I have literally never thought of this question before, it has never ever been posed on a thread like this, or even further up this thread. You have opened my eyes to the madness of giving children both parents' names

Maroonie · 19/09/2016 19:39

I always read these threads because I'm getting married next year and I don't know what to do.
Ideally we would join our names to make one new name and we both like this idea-
However the complication is that my partner has DC who took his surname.
we would love It if the DC wanted to use the new shared name as we already live as a family unit but even if they did we would need Legal permission from their absent parent.
I think I will end up with the joined name for me, my partner will keep his to match his DC and any future children will have the joined name.
Existing DC can then choose to change when they are old enough of they want to.
I feel a bit bad as it would all be simple if I was willing to take his name. But I'm not and there no point in pretending otherwise!

keels31 · 19/09/2016 19:41

I did without a second thought!
I was marrying the man I love why would I not.
But I would tell other people they have to it was a very personal choice to me.
And believe me it's not been easy I've spent the last 10 years telling people how it's spelt!

BertrandRussell · 19/09/2016 19:44

"have literally never thought of this question before, it has never ever been posed on a thread like this, or even further up this thread. You have opened my eyes to the madness of giving children both parents' names"

I too am utterly shocked by this revelation. I mustdo something about it immediately - my hyphenated children are 15 and 20. Please tell me it's not too late...............

Creativemode · 19/09/2016 19:45

It does have consequences when you have children, because it's also expected that children will ha ether fathers name. So women will feel double the pressure because they want the same name as their dc.

I'd love to see a society where men and women changed their name equally, and it wasn't laughable that a man might lose his family name, and where women were as proud of their names as men are.

The Royals for many years had a system where the first born boy would be King, regardless of if he had an older sister. There'd only be a Queen of no boys were born.

Even they have done away with such nonsense.

BertrandRussell · 19/09/2016 19:45

"Nobody cares if you don't change your name. Truly. It is old news keeping your name. Enjoy."

Well. A lot of men seem to. Including the ones on this thread who would "feel insulted" and "went mental" at the suggestion...........

fakenamefornow · 19/09/2016 19:54

Ideal solution imo-

Women keep their name on marriage.
Men keep their name on marriage.
Children have both names, double barrelled.

That way it is easily identifiable who a child belongs with. Parents don't need to belong to each other and be identifiable as a couple to schools/doctors etc because they're adults and can speak for themselves.

I parents split, and remarry, everybody still keeps their own name. If more children come along, they double barrel as above. That way everybody shares a name with their blood relatives, including and half siblings.

When the next generation come along and couples marry, both having double-barrel names, then they choose one name each to hand down to their children. Nobody ever has to change their last name, with all the palaver that goes with it, and parents always share a name with their children.

There, all sorted.

Blu · 19/09/2016 19:56

"The reason to use a husband's name is not kowtowing to a patriarchal tradition. I'd say the reason is for the family to be united under one name (from either one), one team "

If the husband's name is automatically used then of course it is kowtowing, or at least continuing, a patriarchal tradition. That might not be the reason you do it, but then why not say
"The reason to use one of the couples names is for the family to be united under one name (from either one), one team " and to use women's names as often as men's.

But somehow with all the emphasis placed on the 'one team' aspect, men don't often feel strongly enough about it to change their own names.

In this context, women's names are viewed as less valuable / more disposable in the cause than men's.

Creativemode · 19/09/2016 19:59

No one will answer that blu they just keep saying that it doesn't matter, or that they hated their name anyway.

No one can answer why it matters enough for men to insist on keeping their names, or why men never hate their names enough to change it.

HyacinthFuckit · 19/09/2016 20:01

There are threads like this often, looking for controversy where there is none. It seems some people who are defensive about keeping their name (why? nobody cares) are spoiling for a fight and can't stand anybody who wants to change their name and accuses them of not being a feminist.

Yes. It's all the fault of the Lucy Stoners. Nobody who's changed their name has been remotely defensive, or insulting, and all the anecdotes about DHs who wouldn't countenance anything else, and the bloke who said he wouldn't marry a woman who didn't take his name, are all foul lies. And you yourself are so very unbothered by the whole thing that you felt the need to tell us about it. Entirely convincing.

itsbetterthanabox · 19/09/2016 20:04

If person with 2 surnames marries person with 2 surname then they take one of each to give to children. So child has one name from one parent and one name from other.
Simple.

Scroobius · 19/09/2016 20:05

The double barrel idea is good unless you've both got short surnames starting with the same letter which sound ridiculous together.
I had no problem reconciling my feminist views with changing the name that was
given to me by a man I don't like very much to a name given to me by a man I love. However if I had more of a connection to my maiden name (if it was my mum's maiden name for example) then it might have been more of an issue.

StatisticallyChallenged · 19/09/2016 20:08

some people seem overly bent on convincing us all that they alone made their choice in a complete social vacuum without an iota of any external pressure!

I think that's probably because so many people are hell bent on ignoring those women who said that they considered the options and made a definite choice. It's perfectly possible that, even though name changing is the patriarchal default, some women have thought it through and even knowing that still feel that changing their name is the right choice for them. But every time there's a thread like this then there will be posters declaring that those who changed their name didn't make the decision freely/didn't understand the connotations/were pressurised by society/are slaves/are now their husband property.

It's quite frankly bloody patronising. Just because an individuals choice aligns with the patriarchy's preference doesn't mean it wasn't a choice or the right choice. I think it's shit like this that actually puts a lot of women off feminism, because they are told their choices are a: wrong and b: not choices at all.

FindoGask · 19/09/2016 20:17

I changed mine to my husband's eventually, when we had children. Before that I kept my own name when we married. My surname was already double-barrelled, thus precluding joining our names together or anything like that. But having a child made me think it would just be neater if we all had the same name. Also I like my husband's surname more than mine; I like the way it sounds with my first name, it was a bit like having a makeover. And my birth surname wasn't really mine anyway, it's my dad's - and carries its own baggage of his own stuffy family traditions,

BertrandRussell · 19/09/2016 20:17

But loads of people on this thread alone have said they didn't give it a thought, they just did it because that's what you do. And loads of otHers have said that they were pressured into it and some wish they hadn't. I don't think anyone has said that they sat down and thought about it and came to a reasoned decision- although I am sure many do.

And the problem is that it is an un feminist thing to do. It doesn't mean that if you change your name you're not a feminist. It just means that on this occasion you have made an unfeminist choice. As many of us do about all sorts of things,

And as for being put off feminism by threads like this- does that mean that we shouldn't discuss the topic? In case someone is so outraged at being expected to look at their motivations that they decide to cast aside feminism and embrace the patriarchy?

DioneTheDiabolist · 19/09/2016 20:18

I don't ask women if they changed their name in RL, I call them by the name that they give me without thinking "ooh, can I judge them?" They could be giving me their birth name, a name they acquired on marriage or one they totally chose for themselves.

Does anyone here really ask women if they changed their name upon marriage in RL? If so, why?

Ilovenannyplum · 19/09/2016 20:19

I'm getting married in 100 days time not that im counting and I will be changing my name.
We share a DS so looking forward to us all having the same name.

tracyjane41 · 19/09/2016 20:20

I double barrelled mine with ex husband and daughter is combining the first part of her double barrelled surname with her fiances name to create a new double barrelled when they marry next year. She feels the same as I did, that we didn't want to give up our name.

motherinferior · 19/09/2016 20:22

I ask. And secretly I judge. And then I go home to my inconveniently-monikered Inferiorettes.