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AIBU?

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Original poster

Would you give up your surname of you got married?

925 replies

windowt · 18/09/2016 20:27

I'm so undecided Sad

OP posts:
OftenWondering · 19/09/2016 16:59

If you're really lucky a combination can work well eg some friends took names similar to East and Wood to make the whole family similar to Eastwood.

This is similar to what we did, except used parts of both names to make a new one. I don't know why more people don't do it.

Lostin3dspace · 19/09/2016 16:59

I did, but I wouldn't do it next time. I also had a child before marriage and was bullied into giving the child the mans surname. I was so upset.

JeanLouise123 · 19/09/2016 17:02

Same as Morris. Three different surnames, no problems travelling.

Out of curiosity, those who passed their name onto children as a 'middle' name, why didn't you add as an additional surname? It all sounds/ looks the same when spoken/ written, doesn't it?

Creativemode · 19/09/2016 17:05

Very sad that some women deep down want to give their own dc their surname but are being shouted down.

dorisdog · 19/09/2016 17:07

No, I didn't. I didn't think that would be weird these days, but a couple of (female) family members gave some real flack for it :-/ Totally bizarre - was like being transported back to an 18 century time zone! I can't believe I had to actually point out that weren't giving my husband flack for NOT thinking of taking my name and what a double standard that was.

Then, when we were about to get divorced, my Dad asked me "do you think it's because you didn't change you're name?" For real. I replied, lightly, "No, I think it's because he's a cheating shitbag" ;-)

NiteFlights · 19/09/2016 17:16

No. I have a very unusual surname which I have never wanted to change. DH would have changed to mine but I didn't want him to. I would hate to be called Mrs and that's what would have happened. We have a silly portmanteau name that we use when describing ourselves as a 'team'.

My mother remarried so I have a different name to her, my stepdad and one of my siblings. It's never caused any problems! As for my name being my dad's, he's had it since he was born, I've had it since I was born, I fail to see any difference???

JinkxMonsoon · 19/09/2016 17:18

Out of curiosity, those who passed their name onto children as a 'middle' name, why didn't you add as an additional surname?

Purely because I wanted the DC to have one surname and not two, because both together would be a bit of a mouthful (just a personal preference - I didn't want to double barrel for the same reasons).

Having my surname as a middle name might look the same as a double barrelled name written down, but in day to day life I wanted them to go by FirstName Surname and not FirstName Surname1 Surname2. I like brevity Smile

GingerbreadCake · 19/09/2016 17:22

I did it means a lot to my DH would feel I was insulting him if I didn't. I keep my own name for work though.

motherinferior · 19/09/2016 17:26

Ain't no brevity in the Inferiority Complex. Poor buggers have two unspellable forrin surnames which go on for ever. Interestingly they tend to hyphenate them even though that's not on the official documentation.

They are stoic about it though perhaps they'll get married and change themselves to SmithGrin

JeanLouise123 · 19/09/2016 17:32

Thanks Jinkx, makes sense. For brevity's sake you could always have picked only one of the two surnames to use day to day, which is what I did growing up (and still do now sometimes, alternatingly!). But I appreciate that that is just my preferrence. I guess it could be annoying to have a redundant surname.

RavioliOnToast · 19/09/2016 17:33

I have. Hated my maiden name though.

BertrandRussell · 19/09/2016 17:33

"did it means a lot to my DH would feel I was insulting him if I didn't"

Don't you see anything wrong with that at all? Did it feel like a free choice?

bananapuddles · 19/09/2016 17:34

I did, because my surname was double barrelled and shite. My new name is awesome!

NataliaOsipova · 19/09/2016 17:35

I did - and I wanted to. My DH thought it was up to me (but did say afterwards he would have felt a little upset if I hadn't). I love being Mrs DH (aside from the fact that I hated my maiden name!) and I like the fact that we, as a family unit, all have the same name. Hate double barrelled as well!

Shutupanddance1 · 19/09/2016 17:37

I did, tbh, I've been married a year and it rarely comes up. We've had our first child and its lovely to all have same name and be 'X family'...

Don't think I'm any less a feminist taking my husbands name..

NewPotatoes · 19/09/2016 17:37

I did it means a lot to my DH would feel I was insulting him if I didn't.

I genuinely find it difficult to sympathise with someone who feels strongly enough invested in someone else taking their surname to the extent that they would feel 'insulted' if the person decided not to.

NewPotatoes · 19/09/2016 17:40

Hated my maiden name though.

Strange how remarkably few men mentioned on these threads share the visceral dislike of their birth surnames that so many women seem to suffer from. Perhaps if men were socialised to consider their birth surnames their 'maiden' names, to be discarded in adulthood when forming a committed legal relationship with someone else, it might be different? Hmm

buckingfrolicks · 19/09/2016 17:43

Damn me no way in hell would I do that.

We have two little frolicks, after me; his name is his name. All cool.

His mum was a bit Hmm about it but wtf, you don't get the chance to give patriarchy the middle finger every day.

BertrandRussell · 19/09/2016 17:44

It's perfectly possible to be a feminist and decide to make an anti feminist decision. We do it all the time. I am a bit disconcerted that some people don't seem to see this as a feminist issue, though.......

GingerbreadCake · 19/09/2016 17:45

I'm not keen on double barrelled names either. What's the next generation going to do when so many of this generation have double barrelled their surnames? It used to be synonymous with the upper classes but now it is a sign of an unmarried couple.

Terrifiedandregretful · 19/09/2016 17:48

Spanish speaking countries manage just fine gingerbread the kids get one name from each parent. Everyone has two names. It is traditionally the grandfather's name which is passed on to the child, but there's no reason why it couldn't be the grandmother's

NewPotatoes · 19/09/2016 17:49

It's not the sign of an unmarried couple, it's the sign of a couple who aren't slaves to a reactionary tradition and who decided, perfectly reasonably, to give their children both their surnames.

What's the next generation going to do when so many of this generation have double barrelled their surnames?

Where's my bingo card? This comes up with the same air of 'Oooh, I've finally thought of a brilliant reason to have changed my name on marriage!' on every single thread. Hmm

Whatsername17 · 19/09/2016 17:51

I double barrelled mine. I can't explain why I didn't want to lose my surname completely. I just didn't. My passport is in my married name because there weren't enough boxes to fit my full double barrelled name. My kids have my husbands surname. I was happy with that. Never felt like I wanted to give them both names. Dh would have liked me to change my name but left it up to me. He didn't get mad or upset. He didn't want to change his name either so it was an easy compromise

MitzyLeFrouf · 19/09/2016 17:53

'What's the next generation going to do when so many of this generation have double barrelled their surnames?'

I know, it's worrying isn't it? They have so few options..............

TheHobbitMum · 19/09/2016 17:58

Yes I gave up my surname, our kids were double barrelled and we all wanted 1 "normal" surname for us all.

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