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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you give up your surname of you got married?

925 replies

windowt · 18/09/2016 20:27

I'm so undecided Sad

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 19/09/2016 13:54

'It's just not traditional'.

Neither is gay marriage. Neither is sex before marriage.

What's hubster's view on those?

MitzyLeFrouf · 19/09/2016 13:55

Well of course none of the men want to change their names. They couldn't give up their wonderful names! Their sisters can though, the family name doesn't fit her quite as wonderfully you see.

FanFckingTastic · 19/09/2016 13:55

As with most things in life, what works for one does not necessarily work for another. Personally I was happy to take my husband's name. We both agreed that we wanted to share a name and discussed whether it would be better to have my name, his name or a double-barrelled name. His name is easier / sounds nicer so we chose his. Nothing to do with me being his chattel or eradicating my family history or taking away my identity. I subsequently took my maiden name as my middle name and my kids have this as their middle name too, so it's not like it's been 'lost'. There is no right or wrong here, only what works for you as a couple.

Creativemode · 19/09/2016 13:56

Not to mention children before marriage Morris

BabyBrownEyes · 19/09/2016 13:56

JeanLouise123
No not at all... each to their own. I couldnt care less if you all got wed & changed your name to McLoving! I always have and will want to be called my husbands name. Its an old dated tradition agreed. But I'm still fond of the idea. I've never had any desire to keep my maiden name. It implys i belong to man who i have no connection to... perhaps I'd feel differentley if i had my mothers maiden name. I dont know..

mycatsatwat · 19/09/2016 13:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MitzyLeFrouf · 19/09/2016 13:57

All this 'belonging to' chat makes my skin crawl.

Knightridergirl · 19/09/2016 13:57

nightandthelight I'm so glad to see there are other couples who do this, I think it's lovely and romantic! Grin

I too, changed my surname because to me, it was a way for me to start afresh with a new identity. I feel part of a unit and happy to; plus its nice to have the same surname as my children.

I personally didn't double barrel because it would've been too long of a surname for me and I preferred his!

Creativemode · 19/09/2016 13:58

Baby does that logic apply to your brothers if the have any?

As presumably they are carrying the name of a man they have no connection to...

In which case no problem taking their wife's name

stitchglitched · 19/09/2016 13:58

Sexist traditions should be challenged. My DP wants to change his name when we marry so he matches me and our kids. I'm sure his dick won't drop off.

BrightOranges · 19/09/2016 13:59

It's also tradition for the little woman to stay home and keep house. And to know her place.

But we're in 2016 and times change.

Creativemode · 19/09/2016 14:00

Mycatsatwat you said that the men didn't want to change their names because it's not traditional.

Presumably they don't have sex before marriage either then? As that's not traditional.

Or do they only follow traditions that benefit them?

mycatsatwat · 19/09/2016 14:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Careforadrink · 19/09/2016 14:01

I think it's an outdated and sexist tradition

It screams male privilege.

If it was a tradition that all black people for example to change their names to that of white people for whatever reason there would be no one on here justifying it. But because it's only women ......

MitzyLeFrouf · 19/09/2016 14:02

mycat what year is it where you live?

mycatsatwat · 19/09/2016 14:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Creativemode · 19/09/2016 14:02

I know, bloody feminists, wanting equality for women and all.

mycatsatwat · 19/09/2016 14:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MorrisZapp · 19/09/2016 14:03

I think your cat may have found the perfect home.

BrightOranges · 19/09/2016 14:03

I can picture some of the women on here saying I'm proud to take his name and I want us all to have the same name folding their arms, tilting their head to one side and finishing with a smug smile.

Creativemode · 19/09/2016 14:04

Exactly catsatwat they follow the traditions that benefit them.

MitzyLeFrouf · 19/09/2016 14:04
Grin

Hmmmmm, your lack of satisfactory answer leads me to conclude that you are communicating with us from 1972.

mycatsatwat · 19/09/2016 14:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BabyBrownEyes · 19/09/2016 14:07

MitzyLeFrouf.
Perhaps i should have elaborated.
Yes my daughter is A B Surname,
shes the only female to have carried this tradition in his family. Its generally just the men, they pass it down to their first born son.
My daughter having the same initials as her brother is a tradition in my family. See it does work both ways.
eg, I am Micheala Rae, My brother is Micheal Ryan. His Son is Issac & his daughter is Isabelle. My son is Aaron & my daughter is Ariel

TheProblemOfSusan · 19/09/2016 14:07

Should have said - I've also always used Ms since I was quite young - still at uni, definitely. This was partly because I like the fact that it hides your marital status and partly because it caused flashbacks to teachers telling me off using "What do you think you're doing Miss Problem Of?"

Ultimately it's your own choice, and there are sensible thought out reasons to change - but I find it sad that a lot of people do it reflexively, and that it's almost always done by women changing, and men changing is never considered.

I hear and salute those people who thought 'this is battle I can't be bothered to fight, it doesn't mean that much to me and I don't want to direct my energy towards it'. I think it is a sensible feminist position to not change, but equally those who chose not to do it are probably directing their energy elsewhere in their patriarchy-smashing pursuits.

Ultimately we're all going with or kicking against the same rubbish patriarchal agenda. Finding a truly equal way of navigating it is nigh impossible - we make the compromises we have to.

Unless you're one of the cool kids who both picked a new name. changes entire family's name to Wollenstonecraft going back 20 generations