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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you give up your surname of you got married?

925 replies

windowt · 18/09/2016 20:27

I'm so undecided Sad

OP posts:
WhateverWillBe · 19/09/2016 12:34

"It's traditional for women to change their names and goes back over generations. It's just ingrained in people as 'the norm' or default for the woman to change

why should an outdated an sexist tradition be continued?

Er...you asked for an honest answer on why men don't generally change their names. That was my response.

Personally I couldn't care less either way and think if you want to fight against sexism there are a lot more useful ways you could do it instead of agonising over a name.

CitizenBloom · 19/09/2016 12:34

Didn't want double barrelled as I see far too much of that at work.......not in a great way.

What do you mean, Zan?

I would to have the same name as a family for the kids and school and travel

Well, that doesn't require you to change your name to your husband's. He could change his to yours, you could both use both names, you could both use a third name, or you could both keep your original names, and give them both to your children. Our son has both our surnames and it's never been an issue with school or travel.

nightandthelight · 19/09/2016 12:35

I am sad so just went through the married women on my fb. 25 of them were married before I knew them and have the same name as their husband so I don't know whether they took their husband's name or vice versa although I suspect the former.

30 have taken their husband's name.

10 have kept their birth name (one has a husband who changed his to her name).

2 (including me) have mutually changed their name (so both partners double barrelled).

3 have double barrelled but their husbands haven't.

So out of the 70, probably 55 have taken their husband's name so it is pretty ingrained.

Shawser78 · 19/09/2016 12:35

I changed mine. Didn't even think about it I just did. It's not a big deal it's only a name. I changed my surname when I was 12 anyway when my (step) dad adopted me.

biggles50 · 19/09/2016 12:36

I did even though I loved my old name and to this day don't like my husband's surname. It's a name that people snigger at. My daughters can't wait to change it. However for the sake of convenience and because my husband expected it I changed it. Wish I hadn't!

Pinkheart5915 · 19/09/2016 12:37

I did, and I am very happy with my decision

Eatthecake · 19/09/2016 12:38

I took DH name and I am very happy with my decision to do so

BertrandRussell · 19/09/2016 12:38

I can understand why people would change their names without really thinking about it- we all follow societal norms and traditions. What I can't understand is coming on a thread like this and still not thinking about it!

Lovelyideas · 19/09/2016 12:39

What are the aesthetics, OP?

Is your current name nice? How does it sound with your first name?
What about his?
What about the double-barrel?

If the double-barrel sounds lovely like "Hamilton-Jones" so the kids could be "Martha Hamilton-Jones" (easy to say when you answer the phone!) I'd go for that.

If on the other hand it's going to make you sound like a solicitors' firm, it may be time to rethink!

MitzyLeFrouf · 19/09/2016 12:41

'if you want to fight against sexism there are a lot more useful ways you could do it instead of agonising over a name.'

I don't think anyone is agonising, I think people are sad that this sexist practise is still so ingrained in our society. Women's identities are seen as a transient thing.

GeorgiePeachie · 19/09/2016 12:41

Depends on the last name and situation of my intended.

user1467976192 · 19/09/2016 12:42

Yeah I would it's the only reason I would get married get rid of my awful last name

MitzyLeFrouf · 19/09/2016 12:42

You can get rid of an awful name. without getting hitched.

nightandthelight · 19/09/2016 12:43

Deed poll user146?

BertrandRussell · 19/09/2016 12:43

You can get rid of your awful last name today if you want to. You don't have to wait to get married!

MsMapleD · 19/09/2016 12:44

I didn't. Just felt wrong to. Yes, it's a pain in the arse sometimes, but mostly for other people ;-)

I mulled over this point a couple of years ago:
medium.com/@em.kuntze/get-mrs-carter-the-post-marital-name-debate-continues-c3909bf6f40e#.p4temfknj

Purplebluebird · 19/09/2016 12:44

No way, my surname is very unusual and it's only my family that use it. We have double barrelled surnames for our son, and would do that if we get married too.

kilmuir · 19/09/2016 12:44

Yes

BlueStockingUK · 19/09/2016 12:45

I was delighted to take my husband's name and he was delighted for me to have it.

My name isn't me?? I am me ! my name doesn't define anything, except my name..LoL

It does not matter on whit what anybody else does.

You choose Wink

JeanLouise123 · 19/09/2016 12:45

Yeah I would it's the only reason I would get married get rid of my awful last name

Can't you just change your name now if you hate your current one?

meganorks · 19/09/2016 12:45

I did. I wanted his surname as we had kids that had his surname and I wanted us all to have the same names. In fact until we had kids I wasn't really bothered about getting married.
I don't like double-barrelling and out names would sound particularly stupid like that anyway. If his name was awful or I was particularly attached to it then I probably wouldn't. But I had already felt very welcomed into his family and wanted his name.
Do what you want. But do it because you want to, not because of other peoples opinions either way.

horseygeorgie1 · 19/09/2016 12:45

I did for my first marriage and I would again. It is my decision and choice to make, for whatever reasons I like.

CuriosityDoor · 19/09/2016 12:51

After a lot of thinking, I took my husbands name.

I had a lot of back and forth on this as didn't really want to change my name, but in the end I decided that I wanted to have the same name as our children and neither of us wanted to double barrel it. Plus it meant a lot to my husband. Now that I've done it, it doesn't seem like such a big deal after all. I'm still me at the end of the day. Only now I get called a mixture of nicknames and sometimes forget my signature!

Do whatever feels best for you and your family (if you are wanting children)

MargaretCavendish · 19/09/2016 12:51

Agreed, Bertrand, but surely the third and most inexplicable layer: not thinking about it, coming on a thread like this and then seemingly getting cross that other people have thought about it and telling them that they're getting upset over something silly.

Creativemode · 19/09/2016 12:53

Pinksparkly in the beginning you didn't say that you liked the tradition.

Personally I think it's a horrible tradition that stinks of male privilege.

I do respect other people's decisions but this is an online debate.

It might seem like no big deal however I think it goes hand in hand with lots of other sexist behaviours that we are just conditioned to accept day in day out.