Page 17 | Would you give up your surname of you got married?

RattieOfCatan · 19/09/2016 12:07

I didn't take my husbands name as I didn't want to lose mine entirely and I wasn't sure about double-barrelling at the time either (and no combination of merging our names worked either). Now we're expecting our first child and they'll be double-barrelled and both DH and I intend to double-barrel ours soon, we made the decision at a funny time so it's been put off since June and likely will be until after Christmas when we can be bothered to faff around with contacting everybody!

We had a few comments about it but nothing too bad, though DHs Mum pissed me off as her family were 'curious' interrogating me about why I wasn't taking DHs name and I ended the conversation by jokingly saying "I won't change mine unless you change yours!" when DH made a cheeky comment to another family member, not long after he got a phone call from his Mum, asking to speak to him "in private" and then asked if he was really okay with changing his name Because it's just expected for me to bloody do it

FuzzyCustard · 19/09/2016 12:07

No, kept mine, despite some opposition and lack of understanding. It was very important to me to keep it.

DryIce · 19/09/2016 12:09

That's how I feel Funny. The thing I find sad is that some people can't accept someone else's decision. Choosing to change my name doesn't mean I'm any less of a person than someone who doesn't.

Recognising that some decisions are beset by social pressures that makes them less of a free choice than others isn't the same as thinking someone is less of a person.

But then I also don't subscribe to the theory that feminism came about to absolve all decisions made by a woman of any critical thinking

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 19/09/2016 12:10

Personally I didn't feel pressured by anyone. If DH had tried to influence me I wouldn't have done it.

In our case DH wouldn't have been able to change his name as he's self employed and his name is the company name. I know that doesn't apply to most people, just explaining the reason for us.

OvO · 19/09/2016 12:11

I already posted that I changed my penis name. No way was I passing that on to my DC.

Just wanted to add to comments about how wanting the same name as your DH and DC isn't a good enough reason. I had kept my name until after my DS2 was born (and even though I didn't like my penis name I wasn't bothered about changing) but my DS2 died and his headstone had DH's surname - it just hurt not having the same name as my DS2. I don't know why, but it did. So I changed it.

So people can get stuffed with their judging and sneering and telling people that their reasons aren't good enough.

BertrandRussell · 19/09/2016 12:12

It's not a free choice, though is it. It's driven by society. And often by individual men- there have already been several women on this thread alone who changed their names because their husbands wouldn't countenance anything else. There has even been one man who "went mental" at the idea. And that's in 400 posts.........

WhateverWillBe · 19/09/2016 12:15

Honestly answer why men don't change their names?

It's traditional for women to change their names and goes back over generations. It's just ingrained in people as 'the norm' or default for the woman to change.

Only on mn do I see such a huge amount of women against changing their name and querying the unfair patriarchal nature of it. In RL, pretty much all of the women I know/see getting married are changing their names - at least 90% i'd say.

walkingtheplank · 19/09/2016 12:16

I kept my own lovely maiden name. I have the sort of surname that people comment on for being a nice name. My husband doesn't - so that combined with really not being arsed with having to go through the paperwork meant I didn't change. About a year after we married my passport was due to be renewed and I prevaricated one day in front of my MIL who told me that she didn't expect me to change my name and DH wasn't remotely fussed - and would never have considered changing his name. So I've kept my fab name.

It just wouldn't be the case that I would be marrying a man who would insist that I change my name.

DCs have DH's name. DD hates it and wishes she could have mine . I never find it difficult having a different name to my DCs but when they were very young I felt the need to explain that I was married to their father, especially as I am a 'Ms'. Where we live, double-barrel children tend to come from families where the parents are not married. I can only think of one child in my DCs school who has a double-barrel and has married parents (and the mum kept her own name).

WhateverWillBe · 19/09/2016 12:17

There has even been one man who "went mental" at the idea

I can't find the post now - but the 'he went mental' comment was about her suggestion of double barrelling the dc's names I believe, when she'd already said the double barrelled name was long and a complete mouthful. I read the comment as 'he went mental as to why i'd want to inflict a double barrelled 102 character long surname on the dc' way tbh.

Creativemode · 19/09/2016 12:18

You're not getting it pink your husband might not have personally 'went mental' at you. Although we've already seen that some do.

There's direct pressure and indirect pressure. It's pressure because it's tradition, it's the done thing, it's the norm, it's what most people do.

We grow up with it without questioning it.

Of course your husband could have changed his name. Plenty of women use their maiden name for their professional life but legally change their name.

I think if you were honest business or no business he wouldn't have considered changing his name and you wouldn't have considered that he might.

BertrandRussell · 19/09/2016 12:20

"It's traditional for women to change their names and goes back over generations. It's just ingrained in people as 'the norm' or default for the woman to change"

Is that a good reason for doing something?

Incidentally, in the real world there are plenty of women who think and talk about stuff like this. The problem is that in our real world lives, we only tend to spend time with people like us. Mumsnet is an opportunity to meet women who think differently. In my real life world I don't actually have many friends who have changed their names......

Zanashar · 19/09/2016 12:20

I changed it to his and have kept mine as a middle name 🙂 (Having not had a middle
name ever)
Didn't want double barrelled as I see far too much of that at work.......not in a great way.
Did not see the big deal. It's just a name. Doesn't change the essence of me does it?

Creativemode · 19/09/2016 12:21

Whateverwillbe why should an outdated an sexist tradition be continued?

Zanashar · 19/09/2016 12:21

Oh and I've still kept mine for work ( purely because I can't be bothered with the faff of changing it )

sexyfish · 19/09/2016 12:23

I didn't and am very happy with my decision.

SpookyPotato · 19/09/2016 12:23

No I wouldn't, I love my name and feel it is me. It also makes me feel closer to my dear old dad having his name and since he died that sealed it for me. I'm not married but when I've mentioned it in convo to my inlaws they've been surprised, it's just the done thing in both our families to take the mans name. People say you'll have different names to your kids but what does it matter these days?

PageStillNotFound404 · 19/09/2016 12:24

I kept my name but I had no plans to have children so the issue of different members of the family having different names didn't arise. My DH didn't have a problem with that at all; my identity, my choice. I use his surname for certain informal things - mainly social media - because it's a much more common and therefore less easily identifiable name than my quite rare and distinctive maiden name.

SpookyPotato · 19/09/2016 12:25

Forgot to add.. I do feel mn is the only place I can talk about this because everyone I know and know of does change their name to their husbands.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 19/09/2016 12:26

I am getting it, I just don't agree with you Creative. Maybe I chose to change my name because of tradition (I actually like some traditions), that's my choice and, to be honest, I don't really care what anyone else thinks.

I am being honest, I know more expected him to change his name than he expected me to change mine.

Please respect my decision the same way I respect yours, it's no more or less valid.

LottieL · 19/09/2016 12:27

I got married at the start of this month and couldn't have given up my old surname quick enough!!

ragdoll700 · 19/09/2016 12:27

I would to have the same name as a family for the kids and school and travel

neekeem · 19/09/2016 12:29

The fact that you say you'd be 'giving up' your name speaks volumes.

I've been married twice, and changed to my husband's name both times. Works for me!

AlphaBites · 19/09/2016 12:30

If I got married again (ha ha ha - no thanks) then no I wouldn't as my dc have the same name as me and I wouldn't want to have a different name to the dc.

But if I were getting married now and had no children then I would keep my maiden name and just use his socially.

FluffyPersian · 19/09/2016 12:33

I got down on one knee and proposed to my partner with a ring, which he wears as an engagement ring (as he knew I had always been the one who wanted to propose)

I will not be changing my surname or title on marriage and he doesn't expect me to.

Despite already having a double barreled name, if we have any children, it will be his name and half of my surname.

No biggie, no going mental and no issues.......

JeanLouise123 · 19/09/2016 12:34

In my circle I've seen a few women double barrelling on marriage but their husbands don't. Funny 'cause you're changing your name but not becoming that 'one family unit' which is often sited as a key reason for it.