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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you give up your surname of you got married?

925 replies

windowt · 18/09/2016 20:27

I'm so undecided Sad

OP posts:
Creativemode · 19/09/2016 11:03

Doesn't seem much of a choice there does it?

I wonder in all this choice how many women would have upset their husband and in laws if they'd said "actually I'm not changing my name and we will double barrel dc name".

There's no true choice where there's social pressure to conform.

DryIce · 19/09/2016 11:04

I never considered it, I find it doesn't sit quite well with me when I think about it.

Name changing is a controversial topic, and I recognise there is a lot of external pressure on making the decision. Though I didn't make this particular one, I make non-feminist compromises all the time in going about my day to day life.

I am constantly amazed on these threads though about how coincidentally few men seem to have much-hated family names they can't wait to cast off, difficult to spell surnames causing them issues or absolutely no investment in their names 'just a name' and thus taking their wife's name is no big deal.

Lindt70Percent · 19/09/2016 11:05

I did but wish I hadn't even though I'm quite happily married.

I've thought about changing it back but think that people might got the wrong idea and think we're on the brink of divorce.

MargaretCavendish · 19/09/2016 11:08

Morris a (male) friend of mine who got married around the same time as me told me that his wife was changing her name 'because it's so much easier if you do'. He was genuinely astonished when I pointed out that this was nonsense and that keeping my own name was absolutely zero effort.

MargaretCavendish · 19/09/2016 11:10

Creativemode I suspect my PiL think it's slightly odd that I kept my name, but have never said anything about it. When I told my husband's uncle, then, he said 'So you aren't actually going to be part of the family at all?'. I still regret that I didn't think quickly enough to say that I'd be part of husband's family to exactly the extent that he's part of mine.

WhateverWillBe · 19/09/2016 11:12

Are there many offensive surnames about then?

I wouldn't be bothered by 'Rawbottom' tbh, I think it's OK.

I spoke to a Mrs Sithole in work a few weeks back. And i've encountered a Mr Cockmouth. Now those are names that really would bother me!

Idliketobeabutterfly · 19/09/2016 11:13

I did and TBH I never thought about keeping my premarried name (but then again I wasn't keen on my old name.

BertrandRussell · 19/09/2016 11:13

He "went mental"? Blimey. And you are still with this arsehole exactly why?

WhateverWillBe · 19/09/2016 11:14

Oh and Cockburn is another i've heared before...although the man was instant it was pronounced Co-burn. Yeah right. It's Cock mate. Cock.

WhateverWillBe · 19/09/2016 11:14

*insistent

JeanLouise123 · 19/09/2016 11:15

I did not change my (already double barrelled) name on marriage, I like it too much and is who I am. Incidentally, neither did my partner who also already has a double barrelled name (though no one really asked him!). It wasn't an issue.

Our child has one each of our surnames, so actually neither of us has the same surname, but we are very much one family. Husband passed on his 'fathers' name, and I passed on my 'mothers'. Not specifically to be like that, it's just what we liked the most. But yes Katharina, fun coming up with all the combinations :-)

I'm with Bertrand in that I secretly find it sad when a woman changes her name for such reasons as having the same name as their children (give them yours then!) or 'being one family' (you are anyway!). Though I know it is a very personal choice, and what was right for me isn't necessarily for the next person.

Does my head in when people roll out the 'but it's your father's name anyway' argument though. Erm, not it's not it's mine, and I happen to share it with both parents.

TheProblemOfSusan · 19/09/2016 11:16

I think ultimately it's personal choice but that you really should think about it, properly, and not just change because that's what people do.

For me, no way. A) it's my name. B) no one is expecting men to do any name changing, so why the fuck should I do all the hard paperwork and emotional labour of getting Jeff to a new name? C) I have professional reputation bound in my name. D) no one is expecting my husband to change his, and he wouldn't even contemplate it, so no chance I'm doing it.

For the record, I wanted everyone, DH included, to have both our names, but he just wouldn't, said he couldn't be bothered, so I'm keeping just mine. Our children will either have my name or be double barrelled.

Double barrelled is most likely but if not then they'll just have mine, it's up to DH - the double barrelling is a nice compromise and if he only wants them to have one name they'll have mine.

I can't stand unfairness and it's unfair to expect women to always be the ones to flex on this.

Creativemode · 19/09/2016 11:18

My pil just ignore the fact that I've kept my name and just address things as Mrs Hisinitial Husname.

I do like to wind them up occasionally though that you'll ever get rid of the CreativeModes. For a variety of reasons single parents, women keeping their names and lots of boys every child in our family is a CreativeMode.

TheProblemOfSusan · 19/09/2016 11:18

Er. "getting Jeff" should have read "changing to". I don't actually know anyone called Jeff. DH does have similar hair to Jeff from Community though.

StatisticallyChallenged · 19/09/2016 11:18

Cockburn is pronounced Coburn, at least up here it is.

somekindofmother · 19/09/2016 11:32

I was absolutely keeping my maiden name. until my dad did something incredibly stupid in the profession he was in and was moving into. then I decided to take OHs name and start with my own reputation in tact. as it turns out the industry wasn't for me, and I do miss my maiden name, mainly as its a bit unusual, but more than that I love us all having the same surname and being 'team blah blah'
I also like being Mrs , it's so grown up! (I recently got IDd for nurofen!)

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 19/09/2016 11:33

Cockburn is pronounced Coburn.

MitzyLeFrouf · 19/09/2016 11:40

'I spoke to a Mrs Sithole in work a few weeks back. And i've encountered a Mr Cockmouth'

Some surnames really deserve to die out. Why put up with being a Sithole or a Cockmouth when you could change your name to Dangerfield or Fury!

Careforadrink · 19/09/2016 11:40

In this day and age with the divorce rate so high I think it is much more sensible for women to keep their name and for the children to take hers also as 99 times out of a hundred no doubt the kids will stay with her.

Far more practical.

FfionFlorist · 19/09/2016 11:44

I got married at 49 for the fist time and felt I was too old to change my name. Our dc have dh name. I have my name although I think my dh is a little sad that I didn't take his name he would never ever say anything.

A bit off topic but I hear a lot ( on here only never in rl) that it's difficult having different names to your dc - utter rot. Managed absolutely fine for 20 years.

EnterFunnyNameHere · 19/09/2016 11:54

I'm going to (in three weeks!).

I don't think or feel any less of women who don't though, it's just a personal choice - isn't that the point of feminism? That we get to choose what we want, not do what others want us to do?

For me, I just don't feel that attached to my maiden name since my mum passed away and my dad re-married. We get on ok, but I don't really feel connected to them or that "unit", whereas my STB-DH (!), as far as I'm concerned, IS my family. So I want to be connected by name to him

I know women who have kept their name, or kept it for professional reasons but changed at home IYSWIM, and I think that's also great. Live and let live!

KaosReigns · 19/09/2016 11:55

Yes, and it's a dreadful name too. I'm just a bit old fashioned and like the idea of us all having the same name.

Kr1stina · 19/09/2016 11:59

You can all have the same name without changing yours. Your husband can change to your name and you can give the children the same name. It's quite simple .

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 19/09/2016 12:03

I don't think or feel any less of women who don't though, it's just a personal choice - isn't that the point of feminism? That we get to choose what we want, not do what others want us to do?

That's how I feel Funny. The thing I find sad is that some people can't accept someone else's decision. Choosing to change my name doesn't mean I'm any less of a person than someone who doesn't.

Creativemode · 19/09/2016 12:06

Pinksparkly it's not about you or personal to anyone. But honestly how can there be a true and open choice when there is social pressure to conform?

Honestly answer why men don't change their names? Seen as it's no big deal, why don't they do it?