Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you give up your surname of you got married?

925 replies

windowt · 18/09/2016 20:27

I'm so undecided Sad

OP posts:
BoxofSnails · 19/09/2016 08:02

I sat on the fence. Maiden name at work, his name in my personal life.
It's ok - I certainly wouldn't have changed entirely to his name and it's not as complicated as people think.

Creativemode · 19/09/2016 08:02

I don't know why any woman would argue that this isn't an outdated and sexist tradition.

You want to take your husbands name that's fine. But no one has ever been able to give a good reason why 50% of the married male population don't change theirs.

It's male privilege

Topseyt · 19/09/2016 08:02

Bollocks creative. It is your name for as long as you choose.

I know people who have been divorced for years and still use their married name. Get your facts straight. There is no legal obligation to change names either on marriage or divorce.

Creativemode · 19/09/2016 08:04

I've answered that point twice now topsey

coffeemachine · 19/09/2016 08:04

I went double barreled and kept my maiden name. the DC have have DH surname (which is the second part of my surname). I wanted us to be some kind of unit name wise but didn't want double barreled names for the DC.

Creativemode · 19/09/2016 08:06

You might despise your first husband. You might remarry the love of your life. Then what? You might even have more children with him.

Only women potentially for multiple name changes.

Blu · 19/09/2016 08:06

"I also know lots of people who use both surnames - doctors who use their original surname at work as they had been known that way before marrying, and their family surname for everything else."

Do these 'people' include men?

Topseyt · 19/09/2016 08:09

A d I am not apologising for making it again, creative!

Creativemode · 19/09/2016 08:10

No I've made that point twice.

Read!

Cinnamon12345 · 19/09/2016 08:11

I use both names. Depends on my mood and what I'm doing..

mollie123 · 19/09/2016 08:12

just wondered - with the propensity for people to double-barrel names on marriage rather than each keeping their own, one taking the others surname,
what happens to double-barrelled surname meeting and marrying another double-barrelled person - which name gets precedence?
Also on a lightest of light notes - why do women (or men) who keep their own name think that it is part of 'them' when in fact it is probably their fathers name.
How will family tree investigations fare when surnames change amongst familes?

Helmetbymidnight · 19/09/2016 08:19

People can work out the double barrelled thing for themselves, can't they? Or do they need a rule saying this is what you have to do?

My first name was given to me by my parents, it still is MY name to keep or change as I wish isn't it?

My surname has been mine for years and years- if it's my fathers why would I want to swap my fathers name for my father in laws name? That would be most odd.

HapShawl · 19/09/2016 08:20

Mollie, other than your family tree comment, that has all been covered in this thread as in numerous others

Wrt the family tree, it is already more difficult to trace the female line in our culture. Perhaps you are only interested in the male line?

Creativemode · 19/09/2016 08:20

Mollie people have answered that point several times.

My surname is as much my surname as my brother is his. I don't own my surname any less because of my anatomy. How strange that you would think that.

If children have double barrelled names then they can choose which one they keep based on which they like rather than the genitalia of the parent.

As for family trees, women get lost due to name changing.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 19/09/2016 08:20

If a man is keen for all his family to have the same surname it is likely that his wife will be the one changing hers to meet this need.

If a woman is keen for all her family to have the same surname it is likely that it will be her that changes name to meet this need.

The default of children being named after their father is hardly going to change when so many women remove that option by changing to their husband's surname.

Also it is generally women who end up with all the extra paperwork to change their name, sometimes several times, deal with "is that Miss or Mrs?" when they give their name out, get asked what their maiden name was, asked why they didn't change it etc. Whereas most men just sail on through life as Mr Surname, even though in theory it's only their father's surname so they might as well change it when they get married.

nightandthelight · 19/09/2016 08:21

For me mollie it was because it was the name I had had my whole life and thus mine. When naming me my parents picked names that went with my birth surname so it flowed nicely.

We are all double barreled and if DS marries one day it is up to him and his partner what surname they have. He may keep his. He may take theirs. He might keep one half of his and combine with theirs. They might pick a whole new surname. T'is none of my business :)

Creativemode · 19/09/2016 08:22

I've never seen anyone on these threads give a single reason why men shouldn't change their name.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeG0es · 19/09/2016 08:25

Also, if you use the argument that a surname isn't really yours it's your father's, well it isn't really his either, it's his father's and so on. So by that logic no one owns a name. Which makes me think it's nonsense. Your name is given at birth, given, which means it's yours. Change it if you like, you can get rid of things you are given, but that doesn't mean they weren't yours in the first place.

Bambambini · 19/09/2016 08:29

My arsey side felt angry that women change snd men just carry on unthinkingly. Then my other side realised i liked my husbsnds last name more than my own. I could have kept my iwn name on principle though. I realise as well it would probably have everyone at home tutting and rolling their eyes if i had krpt my name - that might have been fun though.

It is totally male privilege though and unfair and should be challenged.

Creativemode · 19/09/2016 08:29

Exactly, it's bollox.

The name my parents chose to give me is my name.

People that have their mothers maiden name blows that argument away.

EllaHen · 19/09/2016 08:32

No I didn't.

Even as a child growing up in the 80s, I didn't like the disparity between expectations placed on men and women with regards to name changing.

I have never read about any women who has regretted not changing her name. Countless tales of those who have regretted changing.

If in doubt, don't make a decision whilst being caught up in the romance of getting married. Make a cold, hard decision after a year.

Bambambini · 19/09/2016 08:34

I know somoeone who took her husbands sort of silly sounding name. I asked her if she liked it more than her own and she said no, but he wouldn't marry her unless she did.

RachelRagged · 19/09/2016 08:36

Yes I did , and was for the same reason I have already seen posted here . I preferred it to my original surname . Also, in my circle, it was just the done thing back in the day , last century Grin

EllaHen · 19/09/2016 08:36

Oh, and my dd has my name so if/when she comes to getting married she will not be faced with the obtuse 'one man or another's name' argument.

stitchglitched · 19/09/2016 08:40

Same with my daughter EllaHen, although I imagine some would try to argue that it's actually only her grandfather's name since it seems women's names can't be their own.