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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Would you give up your surname of you got married?

925 replies

windowt · 18/09/2016 20:27

I'm so undecided Sad

OP posts:
waitingforsomething · 19/09/2016 06:58

I did, but I'm not particularly attached to my maiden name or my dad. I think in this day and age it doesn't really matter - I don't really consider it an issue whatever people choose to do.

DeliveredByKiki · 19/09/2016 06:58

I did and weighed up the reasons at the time. But I was a mere 23 and if I was getting married now (aged 33) I probably wouldn't

WreckTangled · 19/09/2016 07:00

I kept mine and have it as dc's second middle name.

DeliveredByKiki · 19/09/2016 07:01

but should add my DC, myself and DH all have my maiden as a second middle name, if it makes any difference.

If I hadn't changed my name I would have wanted something to happen for us to have the same name or I would have wanted my children to have my name. I think it's a bit odd that you wouldn't take your husband's name on grounds of patriarchal construct but you'd happily give your children over to his name

HyacinthFuckit · 19/09/2016 07:12

I just thought it was a nice little old tradition but there is no power struggle in my relationship so I don't feel the need to make a point by either changing it or not changing it.

Imagine thinking about keeping your own name in those strange terms. How very sad to be identifying name choices in terms of point making.

I find the argument "ooh no, I'd never take a man's name" bizarre. The vast majority of us are given our fathher's surname at birth so you are already branded with a man's name. It's just a question of choosing which man you want to use the name of - your father or your husband.

You mean your father's or your father in law's. If the name a person is given at birth isn't their own because it was their father's first, that is also true of the man you're marrying. If your husband's name is his, yours is your own too. Can't have it both ways. It is probably because you don't understand that it isn't a choice between your father and husband that you find the argument bizarre.

I note that in later posts you amended your stance to say it's a choice between some male ancestor vs another male ancestor, but this actually is also wrong. Some surnames are female derived.

And even if they weren't, keeping the name you were given is intensely more feminist than taking your husband's. One is choosing to follow patriarchal tradition and one is not, because keeping your own name when you get married is the absolute opposite of patriarchal tradition. That is not to say that one cannot be a feminist whilst also taking one's FILs name, and indeed there are many women who did just that who have also done more for feminism than any of us ever will. However, it is not feminist in itself. Do what you want, but kid yourself not.

MyBreadIsEggy · 19/09/2016 07:22

Having read the rest of the thread, another poster has made a good point.
My maiden name is also very clearly foreign, difficult to pronounce for most British people, and has waaaay too many consonants in it Hmm Taking DH's name gave me one of the simplest surnames ever! No more correcting people or saying my name veerrrrry sloooowwllly Grin

MrsSnow · 19/09/2016 07:29

I didn't but wanted to show we were married. I also wanted to share future dc last name.

So went with : oldlastname newlastname

A pain on forms but people do understand that I am dc's mother and that I am married to dh, in regards to work and qualifications every one understands the link

WreckTangled · 19/09/2016 07:29

The only reason I kept my surname is because I like it and I don't like dh's Grin

GreatFuckability · 19/09/2016 07:31

I've never been married. My children have their dads name and mine as a middle name . I love the idea of creating a new surname on marriage though!

SoupDragon · 19/09/2016 07:34

Yes because the one I had was a pain.

skippy67 · 19/09/2016 07:35

I couldn't wait to get rid of my surname. My bio "dad" left my mum when she was pregnant with me. She changed my name to his via deed poll when I was 4 so I'd have the same name as my brother when I started school. Never met my "dad" , don't speak to my brother,so yeah, was glad to see the back of it!

nightandthelight · 19/09/2016 07:42

Changed on marriage but couldn't get used to it so six months later both DH and I double barrelled. Is increasingly common amongst our friends.

LunaLoveg00d · 19/09/2016 07:44

I did - although I didn't look at is as "giving up" my old surname, just getting a new one.

We then went on to have children, and we all have the same name. Two of them have my maiden surname as a middle name.

I also know lots of people who use both surnames - doctors who use their original surname at work as they had been known that way before marrying, and their family surname for everything else.

Creativemode · 19/09/2016 07:44

I didn't.

The day I'd consider changing my name is the day that men and women change their name equally on marriage.

I don't buy the argument that it was my fathers name. My name is the name I was oven at birth and is as much my own as my brothers is his own. What you're really saying is as a woman I have no identity until I find a man to take over where my father left off.

I don't believe that women have a true choice about changing their name. There's huge social pressure for women to change their name and to give their dc the fathers name.

Your new name is only your name as long as your husband chooses I be your husband.

You only have to look at Cheryl Tweedy/Cole/Fernandes Versini/soon to be Payne to see this.

As for double barrelling the Spanish system seems to work just fine.

SoupDragon · 19/09/2016 07:48

I don't believe that women have a true choice about changing their name

You're right. I'm just a silly sheep doing something with thinking. Hmm

I have the smug arsed comments like this that non-changing people come out with.

SoupDragon · 19/09/2016 07:48

Hate.

SoupDragon · 19/09/2016 07:49

Your new name is only your name as long as your husband chooses I be your husband

Complete and utter nonsense. It's my name and remains my name even though I am now divorced.

Creativemode · 19/09/2016 07:51

Soup while the large majority of women are expected to change their name as default how can it be a true choice?

We are bought up to accept this tradition.

Lots of women use the argument that they wanted to have the same name as their husband and children.

Fair enough, so why don't men change their name? Really why?

jeaux90 · 19/09/2016 07:53

Would not and did not change my name when I was married.

LunaLoveg00d · 19/09/2016 07:55

The Spanish seem to manage the double barrelled thing quite well

And as a previous poster says, in everyday life you only use your first surname unless you're called something very common like Maria Sanchez - you may then use your second surname to differentiate from everyone else called Maria Sanchez.

Plus the naming convention still ensures the mother's surnames take second place. Your two surnames would be your father's first surname followed by your mother's first surname, so for example Sanchez Rodriguez. You then get married to Miguel Garcia Fernandez, and keep your surname as Spanish women never change. Your kids then take your husband's first surname followed by yours - so Garcia Sanchez. Your mother's surname and that of your MIL dies out.

Plus there is the confusion of mother, father and kids all having different names.

Careforadrink · 19/09/2016 07:55

Newsflash for those who justify changing because it's still originally your own fathers name.....

It's your name as much as it ever was your fathers!

Or do names only ever belong to men?

Creativemode · 19/09/2016 07:55

Complete and utter nonsense. It's my name and remains my name even though I am now divorced.

Ok, but he may also give several other women that name in his lifetime.

What will you do IF you remarry? How inconvenient to keep changing your name. Or does the first husband only get that privilege?

Why should women even have to show they are married by name changing and changing their title? While men remain Mr Smith whatever their marital status.

What could possibly be the purpose of this?

jeaux90 · 19/09/2016 07:55

Nope I didn't when I was married, made divorcing so much easier :). Reason was I have a very distinctive name and in my career it stands out but also I am into equality (not a feminist) so I don't see the point in taking a man's name.

LunaLoveg00d · 19/09/2016 07:57

Your new name is only your name as long as your husband chooses I be your husband.

Well no, you can keep a surname as long as you want. Lots of women who divorce keep their married name, especially if it matches that of their children.

Creativemode · 19/09/2016 08:00

Luna but if you double barrel the child can choose which name they'd like to keep based on which they prefer, not the gender of the parent. Pointing out that the Spanish system is still sexist doesn't mean it can't be applied in a non sexist way.

As I pointed out yes you can keep your husbands name however you may remarry, you may have children with your second husband.

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