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Original poster

Would you give up your surname of you got married?

925 replies

windowt · 18/09/2016 20:27

I'm so undecided Sad

OP posts:
Sameoldiggi · 19/09/2016 00:17

Feminism isn't about choice, unless it's a free choice, and choices aren't free in a patriarchal society. No engaged woman approaches the issue of what name to use from the same perspective that an engaged man does.

DotForShort · 19/09/2016 00:22

Nope. I never considered changing my name. It's my name, I've had it all my life. Why would I change it? Just to follow some outdated patriarchal tradition? No, thanks. Needless to say, my husband didn't change his name either.

WetsTheFinger · 19/09/2016 00:26

No. It's so old fashioned. I am my own person, not his property.

ShowMe · 19/09/2016 00:41

I did but my maiden name was a bit crap. I don't much like my married name but as we got married in a rush we didn't give t much thought. Retrospectively I would have liked a new family name. Could have come up with an original and unique name. I like us all having the same name.

Neaders · 19/09/2016 00:49

My husband and I had the same surname before we were married lol!!! Lucky me, didnt need to make the choice lol! Although im old fashioned, i would have taken his name had it been different!!!

AdaLovelacesCat · 19/09/2016 00:51

it is not about being old fashioned it is about being brainwashed by the patriarchy...

Neaders · 19/09/2016 00:54

meh... im not brainwashed, i'm my own woman! Very modern, working mum, career, main breadwinner etc... but for me there is an element of loyalty and pride in taking your husband's name.
Maybe its easier for me to say since I didn't have to make the decision....

SpareASquare · 19/09/2016 00:55

No, I didn't.
My fiance also did not ask my father if he could marry me, he asked me instead. Consequently, there was no passing of the property at the alter.

I do have a different name to my children though, fall down there a little.lol. And it has never caused a moments grief. So not a big deal.

C4Envelope · 19/09/2016 01:01

I took my husbands surname, personally i like the idea of tradition and the connotations of taking on the man's family name. Im proud to don it. Each to their own though I can see why women chose to keep their own names - proud to don them too!

AdaLovelacesCat · 19/09/2016 01:03

" Very modern..."
"old fashioned"

well make your mind up. I am afraid that many of us do not even realise we have been brainwashed.

TotallyOuting · 19/09/2016 01:03

I changed my name, with zero encouragement from DH (in fact he seemed a bit weirded out by the concept, it's not as common to change here). It's because my surname wasn't of a blood relation anyway and I wanted to distance myself from it, and also fit in better here. It's a really common surname here but to me it sounds a bit exotic, so I like it.

Definitely still a Ms though. I corrected multiple people on this - some said 'but you are Mrs now' and took far too fucking long to stop arguing with the person who probably knew more about it (me), and a relative asked 'Why even get married then?'... ... ... Hmm Hmm Hmm

HeldTogetherByGafferTape · 19/09/2016 01:05

No, my husband took my name instead.

TotallyOuting · 19/09/2016 01:09

Oh and I have committed the sin of not RTFT. But I will say that I see why it was a bad choice in various ways, and I tortured myself over it for quite a while before (and after!) coming to the decision. In the end, deciding to stop bothering to think about it at all, and proceed in the idea that I would keep my previous surname unless I suddenly felt the decision was wrong, caused just as much anguish. I didn't want to buy in to patriarchal ideas, but I really, really didn't want that surname. It ended up as a pro/con decision.

awkward91 · 19/09/2016 01:35

I'm married and I didn't want to give up mine. I didn't see why I should be forced to give up my name and take on the name of my DH just due to custom and convention. Not only that but my MIL was a right cow throughout our relationship and it got worse around our wedding and I basically used me not taking DHs name as a sign that I was marrying him only and not the whole family as she liked to think.

A over a year into my marriage I double-barrelled my surname with DHs, to stop him whinging as a compromise.

I've found in my friendship group that the girls who are super eager and desperate to become Mrs so-and-so are the ones who frankly have daddy issues and come from difficult backgrounds. Not saying that's reflective of everyone with that stance, just those in my friendship group.

mummyto2monkeys · 19/09/2016 01:45

I already have......I have a horrendous relationship with mil and fil but I was still proud to take my husband's name. It is our family name now and I love it. Both of our children have my maiden name as a second middle name. If dh had wanted to change his name to mine I would have respected that but he has a Scottish clan name, he is very proud of his heritage and I am proud to share that name and its heritage too.

Tworingsandamicrowave · 19/09/2016 01:50

Never occurred to me not to.

PushingThru · 19/09/2016 02:00

Last name conventions really aren't fit for purpose these days.I guess they'll evolve over the centuries, hopefully in a way that makes female ancestry, i.e. us, important.

DioneTheDiabolist · 19/09/2016 02:20

I lose respect for women who do this.

Some people actively seek reasons to excuse their misogyny/misanthropy.Hmm Scrape not too far below the surface and they have a million and one reasons for "losing respect" for their fellow humans.

Topseyt · 19/09/2016 03:17

I did change to DH's name on marriage.

I don't regret it and I do like that our family unit has its own defined name.

If I could have my time again though I might consider not changing it and stick with my maiden name.

WaitrosePigeon · 19/09/2016 03:36

I did, was very happy to do so Smile

Cisoff · 19/09/2016 03:46

No, I didn't. It was my name. I was 35 and I'd had it for my entire life. Perhaps I would have at 25? I don't know. My husband genuinely could not understand why anyone would change their name. Not that he'd have objected if I change mine, but he never requested it. It was never really much of a conversation.

I hope my girls don't. I hope my son's future wife doesn't. But if they do, it's up to them. But I really really hope my girls don't end up with a husband who wants them to, or thinks they should.

Bonywasawarriorwayayix · 19/09/2016 06:16

I did and was comfortable with it at the time. I regret it now. DH's double-barrelled surname is more of a mouthful than my double-barrelled surname was.

Bambambini · 19/09/2016 06:45

It annoyed me, the expectation that women don't matter and men have to do nothing and probably don't even think about it, how a big deal it is or can be.

I just wanted my husband to think about it and acknowledge it - not just expect it.

I prefer my new name anyway. It was common as muck, a total giveaway to my background and didn't actually roll of the tongue well. Never got on with my father and his family were all strange and a bit known for it. I also moved to a different place just before martiage, so was like a new beginning, no one knew me as my old name anyway.

MargaretCavendish · 19/09/2016 06:55

I find the argument "ooh no, I'd never take a man's name" bizarre. The vast majority of us are given our fathher's surname at birth so you are already branded with a man's name. It's just a question of choosing which man you want to use the name of - your father or your husband. Neither is a particularly feminist option....

And I find this argument both bizarre and ignorant. Shrug.

I didn't change mine, husband and I will flip a coin for children's names if any come (yes, literally). Other people can do what they want but I wish they would just say 'I changed my name because I liked the tradition' - I refuse to believe that women so often just happen to dislike their surnames, but almost all men like theirs.

cinnamonbun24 · 19/09/2016 06:57

I'm not giving up my surname. My fiancé will be taking mine instead. He asked to use my name when he proposed.

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