Would you give up your surname of you got married?

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I'm so undecided

Why is a woman's name her fathers but a man's name is his own?

Regular topic on here.

Personally I didn't, I wouldn't and I've never had any problems with it. (Kids have my surname as a second middle name and share DH's surname.)

I did but wish I hadn't (we are still happily married) - wish I'd taken the time & thought it through whereas I changed everything as soon as we got back from honeymoon in a fug of happiness. Ideally, I'd have kept my surname & double-barrelled the children's surname but I was too excited at the time.

I always thought I would keep my surname as I like it and don't see why I should change it. However, I feel that I will have to change my name as a male member of my family (not my DH to be) use the fact we have the same surname to control me and 'own' me. Hence, I am now considering changing my name to my DH to be as he has never tried to control or own me in any way!

Oh fennella, what a load of cobblers. My name is my name, not because it originated from my dad but because it's what I've called myself all my life. To change it in adulthood seems random and bizarre to me.

How odd to think that people like you think that my brothers name belongs to him (and any woman he may give it to) but mine is merely borrowed.

I don't think feminist means what you think it means.

I think it is such an individual choice.
I remember my brother getting really angry and scathing about our stepmother not changing her name back in the 70s when it was quite 'out there' and then more so when I kept my name on marriage in the 90s. He actually told me 'I did not have the right' to use our surname for my children!
Then funnily enough his wife to be confided in me that she did not want to change her name so I pointed out she really didnt have to..and she actually listened to me!

ha ! one in the eye for big bro!

but apparently her mother and brother were really disapproving. She has one of those names that everyone would recognise at once as coming from a certain family.

I used to think that if I were called eg Smellie or Pigg then I would have been delighted to change. But what happens to men with those names?

The Spanish seem to manage the double barrelled thing quite well...

But in practice only use the one IME. Juan Pages Lopez called himself Juan Pages and likewise Gabriel Soller Sanchez called himself Gabriel Soller.

They didn't inflict mouthfuls like Johnson-Thompson on the world! She'd probably be Caterina Johnson there.

My husband took my name, he didn't have a relationship with his father & his mother has remairried so he wasn't fussed. I was happy to keep my name as I love it

Where did I say that boy's names belong to them? My point was that surnames are by default one you are named for someone else, so it makes no odds to change it if you wish to.

Proud and delighted to.

When you said 'It's just a question of choosing which man you want to use the name of - your father or your husband.'.

Women have their father's name, man have their own name.

No. My surname is my surname, for life.

It makes lots of odds, because it's your identity. If it was no biggy to change your name then all the Mr Piggs and Mr Smellies would happily become Smith and Jones upon marriage, but they don't. And nobody expects them to. There is literally zero expectation.

If a woman is merely named for her father then so is a man.

I kept my maiden name for work and for family matters used DHs surname. I gave up work and am temporarily a SAHM and so for convenience use his. I always find it odd that people on their second marriage change their name when the odds are they will be changing it back

I didn't "give up my surname", but I actively decided that I wanted my family together with dh to have one surname for all our family. We took on his name because I always disliked my maiden name and he had (now we have) a perfectly ordinary surname that everyone can spell, pronounce, and doesn't instigate any jokes when you tell it to people.

Nowhere in the phrase you've just quoted back, or in the entire post did I say men have their own names. He has his fathers name in turn. If you wish to be a massive pedant, then fine - it's a question of choosing which man you want to use the name of - your paternal great great great great and so on grandfather, or your husband's. Better?

My point is the same - your name is given to you by a man, whether you change it or not.

Of course you did. Otherwise you would have said people have a choice between their father's name or their father in law's name. But you didn't. And that's not me being pedantic. They're your words.

None of us have any control over the name we're given at birth but we can control the name we go through life with. Some people are given their mother's name but of course that might originally have been her father's name so would you consider that to just be a man's name too? At what point exactly is a woman's name her own rather than a reflection of a male relative?

After all, the name you were born with is your father's name. You're still keeping the name of a man
Not so, my(married) mother kept her name upon marriage and gave her DCs her name (unheard of back then- late 70s/80s and one baby born in the 90s while she was in menopause).
I've kept my name in marriage. DCs (currently pregnant with first) will have my name.
Beebee don't be so fucking daft. I have feminist reasons for keeping my name (as well as greatest admiration for what my mother did) but don't put down women for making a choice different to yours. Feminism is about having a CHOICE, to work, to not to work and still be valued, to take his name or not, give DC's his name or not and still be an equal. If for you you don't feel you can do x and still be a feminist then that is absolutely fine. But don't shit on those who make a different choice to you. Totally uncalled for and daft.

" At what point exactly is a woman's name her own rather than a reflection of a male relative? "

interesting question. Perhaps we should all call ourselves 'Mrs X'.

Wow, bunty you really are choosing to be obtuse. I DID NOT SAY THAT. You seem determined to read what you want from it, so let me make it very clear: We all carry someone else's name. Mother's,father's, great-great whatever. I don't like the implication that choosing to change your name is somehow anti-feminist when your surname is one you carry based on someone else, usually a man's in the first place.

Does that make it abundantly clear for you?

Oh Fenella no need to lose your temper. Maybe just express yourself more clearly next time.

And I fully refute your claim that there's nothing feminist about keeping your birth name.

I expressed myself perfectly clearly, I am very sorry you were unable to understand it the first time.

basicmadeira - are you implying that people on their second marriage will probably end up divorced? If so then I think that is an ill thought out remark and very judgey.

Fenella have a re-read of your posts when you've calmed down.