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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to move to a flat, so I can pay for DD2's school fees?

54 replies

DarcyMaisy · 18/09/2016 16:23

I have 2 DDs. They're almost 12 and 3.

DD1 went to a prep school - we were very comfortable (with money) I was part-time, but DH had a great, good paying job. She received a scholarship, which covered 90% of fees - we pay 10% (which isn't a lot - £3,000 a year)...

DH had a bad accident, he had to leave his job, he does get some benefits, but not much at all. I have had to go back to full-time work and we can only just about afford childcare. DD2 is at the nursery which DD1 went to, she is entitled to her 15 hours very soon, it's the same price as any other nursery. We won't be able to pay the mortgage (which is quite high!) if we sent her to the same school... We would need to move to a 2 bed flat. The girls would have to share, which isn't ideal, due to their age gaps.

I just don't want DD2 thinking I don't love her as much. I read on a different thread about resentment. I also want her to have the same opportunities.

I just don't know

OP posts:

DerekSprechenZeDick · 18/09/2016 16:26

Don't do it. She won't have the same opportunities as she will have to share with her sister which her sister didn't have to do

It won't be fair on either of them to do that.

NapQueen · 18/09/2016 16:27

Don't do it.

They we be much happier in their own rooms and dd2 at state school.

LoveYouSweetheart · 18/09/2016 16:27

To be honest if I were in your situation I wouldn't move home.

Why not just try and find a good state school?

Soubriquet · 18/09/2016 16:27

Don't do it

School is small portion of their life

Their home matters more and a public school can be just as good

Original poster

DarcyMaisy · 18/09/2016 16:28

We have a good state school, which I'm happy to send her to. I just read on a thread a little while ago about how unreasonable they were to send one DC, but not the other so it made me feel awful

OP posts:

DerekSprechenZeDick · 18/09/2016 16:28

Don't take what you read on here as gospel. Everyone is different

LoveYouSweetheart · 18/09/2016 16:29

You are over thinking too much... It will be fine

Soubriquet · 18/09/2016 16:30

What Derek says

Mn is like an alternate reality sometimes

I don't believe any of it.

andintothefire · 18/09/2016 16:31

It is a big age gap so there certainly won't be any resentment for a long time. Your circumstances have changed and DD2's fees will cost a huge amount more than DD1's. It is fantastic that DD1 has the opportunity that she has, but it sounds as though the changes to your lifestyle will just be too much for you to do the same for DD2 at this stage.

Personally I would send DD2 to nursery and to state primary school at the moment (assuming those are not terrible options where you live). Things may have changed a great deal by the time you are thinking about secondary schools for DD2. Apart from anything else, by the time she is 9 or 10 her elder sister will be at university. Then you can think seriously about moving her at that stage.

I don't think prep school really makes a difference for the first few years. You can always review the situation if you think that DD2 would benefit in a couple of years.

I also think that sharing a bedroom as a teenager is a bit unfair on DD1. Even if she is at boarding school, she will still need her own space in the holidays.

albertcampionscat · 18/09/2016 16:31

Don't.

It would be a different matter if your circumstances were the same and you'd chosen to spend less on DD2. That could seem unfair. But as things are? Definitely don't.

Nothing wrong with state schools.

Artandco · 18/09/2016 16:32

I would just send her to state school. There's such a big gap it's not like they would ever be in the same school anyway. Just start her in a regular state, and you can do work at home with her if you feel it isn't as high standard.

AndNowItsSeven · 18/09/2016 16:33

Definitely not, prep is no better than a good state , especially if you aren't sending them to a private secondary.

Sparklesilverglitter · 18/09/2016 16:33

If you could afford it, yes it would me a bit off to not treat them the same BUT you are not in the same postion you were when dd1 went to the prep school are you?

There must be 1 school near you that is good?

It is silly to me, to move to a place where your girls will have to share a room just to pay for a prep school. I think they'd be much Happier in there own room in the Home they've lived in all this time.

So for me I wouldn't move!

pinkdelight · 18/09/2016 16:34

Of course she won't think it's because you loved her less. There's an obvious and incontrovertible reason why your circumstances changed. That's why she can't go to the same school. But she'll still go to a good school and have a loving home, her own room, and a big sister (which get big sister never had the benefit of). Don't guilt-trip yourself. It'll be fine.

parrots · 18/09/2016 16:34

Ignore the other thread, it's awful, judgemental and ridiculous. People choose their children's schools for all sorts of reasons - It's completely inappropriate for strangers to make sweeping judgements about other families decisions. Your own situation offers a perfect illustration of how one child may end up in private and another state.

Original poster

DarcyMaisy · 18/09/2016 16:35

Well DD1 is at a private secondary, that's where she got the scholarship to.

Thanks all I feel much better about it. I actually think our village state is Outstanding. I know most of the children from her private nursery will be moving up, but I don't think that matters when you're 3/4.

Thanks very much!

OP posts:

AppleJac · 18/09/2016 16:36

Dont move.

If i was the child i would much rather have my own room than go to a private primary school.

In life circumstances change and that means that life isnt always fair.

You cant always give each child the same

KanyesVest · 18/09/2016 16:38

My sister and I went to the same private school. We shouldn't have. She (at 40) resents that she didn't go to a good local comp. They don't have to have exactly the same to have an equal upbringing.

Eatthecake · 18/09/2016 16:40

As parents we all hope we can give all our DC the same start in life, and in an ideal world we would but you just don't ever know what's around the corner.

Bottom line is you can not afford for her to go to prep school. The girls will be happier in the family home they know not sharing a room.

If you DD2 questions why she didn't go to prep school like older DD1 when she's older ( which I think is unlikely) you tell her the truth that her father had a bad accident and as much as you wanted too you just could not afford it.

Also an outstanding state school in your village is a fantastic choice

Original poster

DarcyMaisy · 18/09/2016 16:44

Thank you all so much, I really didn't know who to ask about it, as I thought my family would be a bit about my treating them different, so I'm very glad I asked as was seriously considering a move!

OP posts:

Bearbehind · 18/09/2016 16:45

Don't do it.

I strongly believe you should only pay for private education if your lifestyle supports it.

Being the kid a posh school who's sharing a room with their sister in a little flat because their parents have pretty much bankrupted themselves to send them to school is not a good situation.

Original poster

DarcyMaisy · 18/09/2016 16:48

That's the thing, we are still happy with our lifestyle, we have a nice 3 bedroom detached house, with no debts, we do have a high mortgage, but can get by with me working full time.

OP posts:

pontificationcentral · 18/09/2016 16:49

OH good grief no. Total waste of money you don't have.
Send her to state and over the next few years you can consider (as your circumstances change) whether you want / can afford to send her private instead of state secondary. With a 9 year age gap and totally different family circumstances, the 'same treatment' rule really doesn't apply. And later on, if she gets a 90% scholarship, so be it.

LBOCS2 · 18/09/2016 16:50

My DSIS went to private school. I didn't. It was for different reasons but has had no impact on our relationship with each other or our parents. And I've got a better degree than her (but she earns more than me now). Makes no difference in the grand scheme of things.

Also, it will help that DD2 is so much younger than DD1 - they will never both be at secondary school at the same time so the discrepancy won't be as obvious either.

Stay where you are. I think that continuity is more important and your DC will appreciate it more.

ImperialBlether · 18/09/2016 16:54

When you think about it, you're protecting her inheritance by staying put. If you've got the chance of an outstanding school, you should jump at the chance.

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