to move to a flat, so I can pay for DD2's school fees?

[DarcyMaisy]

I have 2 DDs. They're almost 12 and 3.

DD1 went to a prep school - we were very comfortable (with money) I was part-time, but DH had a great, good paying job. She received a scholarship, which covered 90% of fees - we pay 10% (which isn't a lot - £3,000 a year)...

DH had a bad accident, he had to leave his job, he does get some benefits, but not much at all. I have had to go back to full-time work and we can only just about afford childcare. DD2 is at the nursery which DD1 went to, she is entitled to her 15 hours very soon, it's the same price as any other nursery. We won't be able to pay the mortgage (which is quite high!) if we sent her to the same school... We would need to move to a 2 bed flat. The girls would have to share, which isn't ideal, due to their age gaps.

I just don't want DD2 thinking I don't love her as much. I read on a different thread about resentment. I also want her to have the same opportunities.

I just don't know

Glad you've received reassurance on here.

Doing our best for each of our children depends on our circumstances at the time.

If you'd commited to a route for child and they were settled then downsizing might be a workable option for some people. But for a toddler who isn't anywhere yet? Rarely a good idea.

There is a massive difference between sending one and choosing not to send the other when you can afford it. But you can't afford it, things have changed.

And if she asks why then you can say that after Daddy's accident you didnt have the money but you would have sent her if you could.

Does DD1 still attend an independent?

Yes, we paid for prep fees and she got the scholarship to a private secondary. Sorry, that was unclear in my post

You can always spend more on tutors at secondary school, if you want/need to, which would be a lot cheaper than school fees

I think the impact of living in a small flat over many years will be more negative for their relationship than going to different schools.

I also think the move to a smaller home will be stressful for all.

We do for our kids what we can afford to do and what we believe to be best. Best circumstances or finances change we need to adapt.

It's really something I personally would not consider, plus when you finally retire you will be in a much weaker position if you only own a 2 bed flat.

I have friends, who are contemplating sending one of their dcs to a private secondary because it would be a good fit for them but not the other two (one is grown up and they couldn't afford it then anyway). Children are individuals. Don't feel guilty. They will have a much better quality of life in your nice house and neighbourhood. And perhaps dd1 may be able to coach Dd2 at some stage

I think the key thing is to be honest, you will have to explain in later years why there was a difference (and yes, they may notice there was)- just explain that since Dad was disabled, you didn't have as much money and so off to the Outstanding state school it was (so not a real hardship!)

Children often go to different schools for a variety of reasons and this is entirely justified.

Don't go private.
Go state and use any spare cash enriching the experience - trips, music, art , DofE, you name it
and be HONEST with your kids about why they had different options
then they will both be stronger people from it

You'd probably cause more resentment if they were forced to share a room just to send dd2 to prep.

It doesn't matter what your circumstances are - what you read on MN can make us all feel bad at points! I will have 3 children in a small 2 bed flat and some of the comments on this thread regarding home size and room sharing have STUNG but I know deep down that we're doing our best.

I think in your circumstances the differences in their education is completely understandable and explainable. I wish you all the best for the future.

I'm amazed at a 90% scholarship in a prep school. Seriously?

No, that's for her secondary school she is no longer at prep, she finished at 11

You sound like you've had a rough time and moving to a cramped flat whee a nearly teenager will probably have to share a room with a little one will not help the stress, for anyone, especially if it can be avoided.

Darcy
I went to private school
my sis went to a world famous boarding school
my kids have gone to state comps
my niece and nephew went to world famous boarding
another niece has shuffled between state and private

in the long run, its how much they know you value them and their capabilities that matters
broaden their horizons
make them realise that the sky is the limit

the school is not the limit, your support of them is far more important
go state
and enjoy a comfortable life

I feel as though I have gone back to the early 1980's. All children deserve the best education. All teachers are trained in the public sector. I would love to see the private sector taxed to pay back the costs of the teachers' education

I would love to see the private sector taxed to pay back the costs of the teachers' education
que ?
the teachers pay for their own education now through the graduate tax that is student loans

That's been the case for years re taxes. Ultimately the public sector,ie taxpayers, fund teachers and gp etc education. The majority are entitled to receive the best care/education. Something has gone very wrong when we assume that those with money are somehow entitled to better than those,without

Something has gone very wrong when we assume that those with money are somehow entitled to better than those,without
History is clearly not your strong point

read up on "redistributative taxation policies"

over 80% of the population do not pay enough tax to cover the services they receive ...

My 20yo DS went to state schools, 3 yo DD will be going to a private school when she starts next year. My financial circumstances are very different now and DS totally understands that I have treated them both exactly the same in that I will be sending them both to the best possible school that I can under current circumstances

Sending one DC to a private school but not the other, is only unfair if your circumstances haven't changed. Yours have changed significantly, so stay in you own home and don't worry about it.

You're not treating them differently. The situation is different and requires a different approach.

What about tutoring in the last couple of years of primary to see if she can get the same scholarship? In 6 years, hopefully things will have improved so you can afford it.

Is DH going be able to go back to work at any point?

We are unsure how DH's back will plan out, currently he is paralysed from below the waist. However, fingers crossed for that to change but I think that's just me being hopeful.

Thanks everyone

I would never pay for private primary.

I know LOADS of people who send one kid to private school and another to state school. Loads. In fact the majority of people I know in the private school world have another child in public/state school. Often the state school kid has done better.

Don't change the way you live just to even things up with your children. If, down the line, you realise you need to spend more money on your dd2's education and possibly make sacrifices, then make that decision then. But don't do it in advance. State school is fine for many people.

Good luck to your dh. Hope he gets better.