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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be sick to death of being treated like dirt by my teen.

33 replies

fc301 · 13/09/2016 18:35

1st time OP so go gentle.
Eldest DC is 14. She is almost always aggressive and selfish. This has been going on for about 8 years as she is desperate to be independent of me.
Generally I try to rise above but every now and then (like today) I lose it and assert that I will not be treated like this. DH generally takes her side / keeps the peace.
Just need some reassurance and advice as I am learning on the job here.
Background I've just spent about £500 (which we can't afford) redecorating her room, new bed, duvet cover, blind, printer(!) hence my frustration...

OP posts:
Diamogs · 13/09/2016 18:38

Might be better posting in Teenagers OP rather than risk lots of people ripping your parenting to shreds in AIBU.

No it is not ok for your DC to treat you like dirt.
No it is not ok for your DH to undermine you.

Question is, what are you prepared to do about it?

ImYourMama · 13/09/2016 18:38

Have a family conversation setting out 'respect' boundaries. She will lose privileges such as lifts, phone, tablet and money if she's not reasonable. Explain you understand hormones and being a teenager is hard, but she needs to respect you and your home. Good luck OP, sounds horrible WineWine

Original poster
fc301 · 13/09/2016 18:40

Ok thanks

OP posts:
BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 13/09/2016 18:41

Access code to wifi is your secret weapon

PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 13/09/2016 18:42

^^ this. I love that DP knows how to change the wifi code for when DD hits gobby teen stage

GoldFishFingerz · 13/09/2016 18:45

Have you read any books about teens? Try Amazon

hookiewookie29 · 13/09/2016 18:51

You and DH need to talk first. You need a plan of action that you will both stick to when it comes to discipline and never undermine each other, even if you don't agree with what they're doing. Talk about it after. Pick your battles...and I mean the serious stuff, and the stuff that really pisses you off or gets you down.Let the rest go otherwise you feel as though you are constantly rowing or getting onto her. Put boundaries in place, and stick to them and always carry out your threats. It's shit and it's hard work but you've got to be consistent so she gets the message.

Original poster
fc301 · 13/09/2016 18:52

Thanks all, I'm going insane here.
Basically I am not setting foot back in her room. Not bringing dishes, rubbish, clothes out. Not cleaning or putting clothes away.
If she brings washing down I will do it but not ironing. And I'm going to drop her off further from school.
We have moments of progress but it's very wearing and hurtful as she treats me worse than every one else and we all tiptoe around her 😞

OP posts:
PeppaPigTastesLikeBacon · 13/09/2016 18:55

Do not tiptoe around here. Dsis is 26 and people are still tiptoeing around her. I find her hard work to be with.
Sometimes you have to do tough love which I know is easier said than done

LineyReborn · 13/09/2016 19:00

My older sister is in her 50s and other people are still tiptoeing around her, and I was raised not to provoke her jealousy, anger or upset.

Unbelievable really when you say it like that.

I wish my parents had agreed on dealing with it. Horrible for younger siblings.

YouTheCat · 13/09/2016 19:11

How did you deal with this behaviour when she was 6?

Why can't she get the bus/walk to school?

LineyReborn · 13/09/2016 19:15

My sister started this behaviour when she was very young. It was to get my father's attention as much as my mother's. More so probably. It's very damaging for the whole family.

GreatPointIAgreeWithYouTotally · 13/09/2016 19:22

You say she is aggressive and selfish. Is she violent? Can you give examples of her behaviour and how you handle it, how dp reacts. Are other siblings affected? We might be able to help if we understand more what's happening.

FrancisCrawford · 13/09/2016 19:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hookiewookie29 · 13/09/2016 21:40

She only treats you worse because you let her ( sorry if that sounds harsh, but my daughter is 13 so I know where you're coming from!).
Sometimes, my DD will speak like shit to me. I said to her " Do you speak to your Nan like that? No. Your Grandad?No. Your teacher? No.So you don't speak to me like it.If you want to be treated with respect, then you treat me with respect" Go back to basics. Manners. Respect.Boundaries. It's much the same as when she was 5! There's not a heck of a lot of difference! If the dishes are running low in the kitchen, she's the first to go without one if they're in her room.I banned food in my daughters room a while ago after discovering a small landfill in there. Liquid banana still in it's skin is not nice. Don't forget to praise her too-we're all guilty of telling them off, but not giving enough praise or compliments. I watched my daughter doing her homework the other night, and I thought to myself " You are lovely". So I told her. She was slightly stunned-but very pleased.

Parenting is the most shittest, hardest, relentless job in the world. You can read as many self help books as you want-but the kids haven't read them so they can be a waste of time. It's also massively rewarding when you see those little glimpses of niceness. Keep talking to your DD-steer away from 'explosive' subjects and just talk about everyday stuff. Spend a bit of time together even if it's watching Eastenders. But make sure that you keep the lines of communication open and tell her that if she ever needs to talk to you about anything whatsoever, no matter how small, then she can without the risk of being judged.
And don't be so hard on yourself xx

BombadierFritz · 13/09/2016 21:44

has this really been going on since she was 6 years old? what does she do? what is she like at school?

MatildaTheCat · 13/09/2016 21:51

I had a very tough time with ds2. It got better slowly and now we get on really well most of the time. It really improved most when he moved out of the house.

Also agree about dh supporting you. She's got you all nicely trained at the moment if her dad gives in and you are left being the bad cop. That needs to stop.

Original poster
fc301 · 13/09/2016 22:43

No no not violent no.
Thank you so much all of you for your very good advice.
We have glimmers of the nice person underneath.
My father such a narcissist that I do worry about raising someone who cannot take others feelings into account / take responsibility for their actions, which prob makes me a bit paranoid.
Nearly had a divorce tonight, he did back me up to a certain extent ... Ongoing battle I think.
Thanks again.

OP posts:
Original poster
fc301 · 13/09/2016 22:44

PS she's very good at school, she saves it all for me!

OP posts:
Original poster
fc301 · 13/09/2016 22:52

Yes it did start at 6. She is fiercely independent. Trying to teach her about the effect of her behaviour on others. After 8 years it is very exasperating as she is an intelligent girl.
But she does come to me with her concerns so it's not all bad.

OP posts:
annielouisa · 13/09/2016 22:56

Did her attitude to you have a particular catalyst. What happened when she was 6 that changed her behaviour towards you? Was it a gradual thing or sudden?

hookiewookie29 · 13/09/2016 23:08

So you know that if she's good at school then it's all for your and her dad's benefit.
She's not your father-let that go.
I'm a Childminder and am always asking the children that have done something 'wrong' " How would you feel if someone did that to you?" or "Would you like it if someone did that to you?" And consequences work a lot of the time as it means their behaviour decides what happens. e.g. " If you don't bring the cups out of your room, then you'll lose your phone till you have"

SukiPutTheEarlGreyOn · 13/09/2016 23:59

Our DD's school ran a 'parenting teens' course. If any run in your area I'd highly recommend, Op. Not only helped with strategies but also the comfort of speaking with fellow parents of teens in an environment where we didn't all have to pretend everything was rosy. It also made me identify things in my own attitude/responses which could contribute to conflict and taught tips on how to diffuse. We still have our 'moments' and DD regularly drives me nuts (as I do her) but communication and mutual respect feel much healthier now. I do feel for you - navigating these teen years can be grim and has the potential to make you feel utterly powerless but you're not and it can get better.

jellybeans · 14/09/2016 00:01

I don't agree that they behave this way because you let them, that is too simplistic. Some kids are just harder than others. Some teens give hell. I have 4 teens and a younger child. 1 of my teens was extreme hard work, as described but with agression. She was very angry with us and constantly told us we were shit parents etc. She had the very bad temper etc from a toddler. Behaviour at school etc perfect. Very rarely to grandparents.

The stress it causes and impact on family is horrendous. DD moved out to uni and with friends at 18 and we get on well now with just occasional outburst. But I still feel hurt by it sometimes.

Head over to teenage board there are many similar stories.

BombadierFritz · 14/09/2016 15:16

if this has been ongoing since 6' it is not just a "teenage phase" which makes me wonder if there is more going on. in what ways does she not understand the effect of her actions on others? does she have many friends for example?